"Twist and spike, twist and spike. There."
Daniel Jones examined his hair which Darren just styled.
"Thanks, Darren."
"Your hair's a much better length for this
sort of thing. Mine's getting too long." Darren tousled his
half inch long hair in front of the mirror.
"Didn't you just cut off 6 inches?"
"Yeah, but..."
"And didn't you say you wanted to grow it
out again?"
"One does need trims, you know."
"I understand, but with a weed wacker?"
"That's not funny, Daniel. Are you ready
to go yet?"
Darren and Daniel slid into Darren's new Volvo
and drove off to Costco to pick up wholesale products. While walking
down the hair aisle, Darren stumbled upon a huge vat of hair gel.
"Daniel, how long do you think this one'll
last me?"
"All of a week, tops. I'm gonna go get
some chocolate." Daniel headed for the other side of the warehouse.
Darren gathered two vats of the gel and put
them in his cart. Some woman gave him a weird look, so he flipped
his hair back and did a strut down the aisle. Then he saw it: the
BuzzMaster 2000. The tool designed to shave 5 settings of beards;
5 being the longest, 1 being the shortest. Darren eyed it suspiciously,
looking both ways to make sure nobody was watching, and greedily grabbed
the box. His eyes opened wide as they read the box of the BuzzMaster
2000. His eyes then darted in every direction. He flung the
BuzzMaster 2000 into his cart, and sped towards the checkout.
After he paid, Darren stuffed the BuzzMaster
2000 in his trunk, but put the gel in the back seat. Hoping his absence
wouldn't be noticed, Darren sprinted back to Costco, nearly colliding with
Daniel.
"Darren where have you been? I've been
looking all over for you."
Trying to catch his breath, Darren said, "I
just wanted to drop my stuff off in the car."
Still thinking the whole situation was odd,
Daniel shrugged it off. They started walking toward the car together.
"So, Darren, what'd you get?"
"Gel! I only got some gel!"
"Oh, ok. Well, let me put my blocks
of chocolate in the trunk--"
"No! I mean, there's no room because
I have, uh, sand in there."
"Sand?"
"You know, to weigh the car down so you don'
slip on the ice."
"Darren, it's 85 degrees out."
Darren thought. "Well, you know these
non-el nino years. The weather's all wacky."
"Oh. Ok."
The two got inside of the Volvo and Daniel
put Pop in the CD player. On Darren's making a right-hand turn out
of the parking lot, the BuzzMaster 2000 slid to the left side of the trunk.
"Darren, what was that?", Daniel asked.
"What was what?"
A left-hand turn.
"There it goes again!"
"Man, that sand is whacked out."
"What do you really have in there, a dead
body?"
"I told you: sand."
The car stopped in front of Daniel's house,
and the two just looked at each other.
"Good-bye, Daniel."
"Good-bye." Daniel gathered his blocks
of chocolate and went into his house.
When Darren got to his house, he opened the
door cautiously, holding the BuzzMaster 2000 behind his back. He
found a note on the fridge: "Darren- Went out for some ice cream.
Love, Colby." Darren put on vat of gel on the vanity in the master
bath, and the other underneath the sink. He quickly removed the BuzzMaster
2000 from its box and stuffed the box in the trash compactor, sparing the
instructions.
He washed his hair, and shut all of the blinds
in the house. Darren flicked the switch on, and it made a humming
sound. "Ooh!" Darren shut it off and on until he got used to the
noise and vibrations of the BuzzMaster 2000.
He set the dial to 5, the longest-haired setting,
and squeezed his eyes tight....
Colby came home a half an hour later with a
half-eaten boat of a banana split. At this time, Darren was disposing
of his hair trimmings.
"Darren? Where are you?"
"Uh, I'm in the bedroom." Darren tried
to hide the BuzzMaster 2000 from his wife.
"There you are. What'd you get from
Costco?"
"I got some gel and Buzzie."
"Buzzie?"
"This hair trimmer. See?" Darren
showed off his hair. "It's a BuzzMaster 2000."
"Your hair looks so cute! I thought
you said you wanted to grow it out."
"It needed a trim."
"Well, ok. If you say so."
The next affie, Darren met up with the Daniel
at the Beatnik Cafe.
"Darren! You got a haircut!"
"I did it myself. You like?"
"Pretty good, but your 'twist and spike's
are a little short, don't you think?"
"Not at all. I like it a lot."
Darren ordered hazelnut coffee, and Daniel
ordered regular.
"So, Darren, what'd you cut your hair with?"
"Buzzie."
"Uh huh. I see. You cut your hair
with a bumble bee."
"No! Buzzie is my new BuzzMaster 2000."
"Ah ha." Daniel raised one eyebrow and
sipped his coffee.
After awhile, Darren decided he ought to be
getting home.
As he was walking into his house, Colby informed
him that she'd be out for a few hours eating ice cream.
Darren walked past the master bath to put
his boots in his closet, and he heard it calling him from the medicine
cabinet.
"What's that, Buzzie?" Darren's wide
eyes stared at the BuzzMaster 2000 in his hands, "Yes..." He turned
the setting to 4, and gave his hair another trim.
Darren didn't have another self-hair trimming
episode for a week. He was in Toby's Pub enjoying some bottled mineral
water when he heard it calling him.
"Daniel, I have to go. It's, uh, getting
late."
"Darren, it's 7:30."
"Oh my! 7:30! Colby's gonna kill
me!" Darren grabbed his keys and the remainder of his bottled mineral
water and walked out of Toby's Pub.
"Colby, is my hair too long?" Darren
examined his hair in the mirror before him.
"No! I like it like this."
"Maybe just a little trim..."
"What is with you and cutting your hair
so often?" Colby was starting to get worried.
"What are you talking about? I'm
perfectly fine; I LIKE SHORT HAIR."
Darren flipped the dial to 3, turned Buzzie
on, walked into the bathroom and shut the door.
Colby tried to hold back tears. Why
was Darren acting like this? She decided to go pick up some ice cream,
slamming the front door behind her.
She came home later that night to find Darren,
in bed, reading an Anne Rice novel.
"Colby," Darren put the book face down
on his lap, "I'm sorry I snapped before. Forgive me?"
"I'm sorry I didn't respect your decision
to cut your hair again."
They hugged.
"Colby, if you don't mind my asking, have
you gained a little weight lately?" Darren asked honestly.
Colby pushed him away. "You couldn't
let everything be good! You had to go and spoil it!"
"I'm sorry...I don't know what came over me..."
"Don't try to blame it on the shirt!
You're always trying to blame it on the shirt!" Colby thrashed her
arms every which way.
"Colby, I'd like to..." Darren
tried to recapture his wife in his arms.
"Don't try it!" Colby took the car keys
off the key rack in the kitchen and left the house.
"What's making me do this?" Darren sat
on the bed, his face buried in his hands.
Then he heard it calling him. Buzzzz.
Darren lifted his head.
Buzzzz. Buzzzz.
Darren picked up Buzzie. "It's all your
fault! You made me fight with Colby!" He shook the BuzzMaster
2000 in his hands. "What am I saying? I'm blaming my troubles
on a beard trimmer!"
Buzzzz.
Setting 2.
The door of Toby's Pub opened and Colby entered.
"Daniel, I need to talk to you." Colby's
eyes were red and face tear-streaked.
"Colby, what's the matter?"
"It's Darren...I'm really worried."
"What's the matter? Did he cheat on
you? Kill your mum?"
"Worse--he cut his hair!"
"Again?!"
"Yes!"
"Dear Lord, how come you didn't tell me it
was so serious?"
"What should I do?" Colby sat on a barstool.
"What setting was the BuzzMaster 2000 on?"
Daniel asked, putting his hand on Colby's.
"When I left, it was 3, but it may be lower
now."
"We must move quickly." Daniel stood
up, "Toby, put it on my tab."
The two left for the Hayes household.
"The lowest setting for the most macho
hair possible..." Darren sat, his eyes red.
He turned Buzzie on.
Buzzzz.
Darren lifted Buzzie up with his right hand
as the bathroom door burst open.
"Darren, don't do it!" Colby was there
with Daniel standing beside her.
"Colby! Don't take another step, or
I'll do it!" Darren held Buzzie as if it were a knife.
& nbsp; Colby put her hands up to show she was unarmed,
and the wallet which she had been holding fell to the floor, opening to
a picture of Darren with spider hair.
Darren dropped to his knees at the sight
of this. "My hair! My hair!"
Buzzie fell to the floor and in Darren's hand
was the wallet of pictures.
"Help me, Colby? Daniel?"
"The first step to recovery is admitting you
have a problem." Daniel said.
"What's the second?" Darren was becoming
happier because he was progressing so rapidly.
"I don't know; I haven't gotten there
yet."
"Oh." Darren's head fell.
"Good-bye? To Buzzie?"
"Yes."
Darren stood up, and decided to be rid of
Buzzie forever. PLOP! Buzzie fell in the toilet, and Darren
flushed. As the water whirled around in a clockwise direction, tears
fell from Darren's eyes.
"Daniel, it's stuck."
"Damn. Where's the plunger?"
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