The feelings deep inside of me....

Life is such a confusing mass of happenings. There is happiness, sadness, sorrow, shame, all rolled up into one. There are times in my life where confusion, depression and anxiety get the better of me. It makes me not know where I can possibly turn. I want to cry out, but there is no one there to listen to me, I think of death, but, why risk hell. I plead my prayers up to God, but there never seems to be an answer. I look for someone to be my companion for the rest of my life, but there is none.

I have nightmares of a childhood that took me from hell and back, I long for the loving touch of someone who really cares for me, but they are no where to be found. My health has been suffering by this, the pain, the loneliness. I think of a girl, a wonderful girl, but, she is out of my reach. I look sometimes as I peer from my apartment, and I can almost imagine her coming up to my door...

But, it's all a dream, wishful thinking.

No, this is not your usual web page. It is a page of a person saddened. It is a page that many people do not understand.

I try to offer my all in my neighborhood, helping as many people as I can help, be a friend to people others no longer trust, opening my doors when others shut theirs. All in order to be able to express the love that lies inside. Only to be taken advantage of, ignored, and hurt once again.

And my question is why? Why when a person is willing to give others so much, does it all go for nothing. I live by the saying that my Lord Jesus said;

"Greater Love has no man than this, than a man give his life for his friends....

and you are ALL my friends."

But, I find that life here in Philadelphia hasn't offered me the friendship, it has offered me the pain of people talking behind one another back, looking to hurt and demean others whenever they can, to butt into your life and try to run you. That, to me is no real life. The only solace I have are the children of the neighborhood, those who are impressionable enough to be able to be taught not to hate, or backstab, or to try to deliberately hurt one another.

The doctors wonder why my depression grows worse. What is there here that would make my life feel better? My children live over 200 miles away, all with their own lives, their own interests, much too busy to take the time to even make a telephone call unless I initiate it. My son is soon to leave to Australia with no idea when I will see him again, if ever.

With a childhood of physical and sexual abuse behind me, I always prayed that my life would get better, but, it never did.

I am just looking for love.....

And pray someday It will find me. Before I give up looking, or caring anymore.

Al