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The Way I Feel
By: Lady Jaya
Written: 1/28/00
The Room was quiet and neither of us move we just sit there in the
silence that surrounds us in the dark room. There is a fire in the
fire
place at first it crackles loudly and burns bright. Then slowly began
to die down neither of us notice either that or neither of us care.
We
just sit there staring anywhere but at each other. Neither of us
wondered where the others have disappeared to, they will be gone for
the rest of the weekend and I know both of us wish that they were back
but we can't bring our selves to say it. Yet as I watch him sitting
there I know that in a sense I'm glad that they are gone. That I can
have this time to just sit here and study him out of the corner of
my
eye, even if I don't dare look right at him. He doesn't know how I
feel
and I wonder what he would say if he knew. Would he feel the same or
would he just laugh and tell me to forget it. Thinking all the time
that I'm some kind of messed up freak? I don't know if I could take
that coming from him and yet I'm not sure I can stand to not know for
much longer. Every time I see him I feel my heart start to beat faster
inside my body, it's a wonder he hasn't heard it yet. Still every time
he sees me watching him all he does is give me that strange smile of
his. The one that always makes me stop breathing for a minute before
he
turns and leaves. Though some times he comes over and sits down next
to
me... When that happens, I just feel stupid and yet totally elated
at
the same time by his nearness. Always trying to find something to say
and yet having nothing at all, but he never seems to mind. I don't
know
if it's just the sight of him that gets me the most of if it's his
smell. He has a unique smell all his own. It's a strange mixture of
things I can't always name. At times I think it's mainly sandalwood
and
then at others I could swear it's more jasmine or something else.
Perhaps it's that special herbal shampoo he uses and then again...
I
sigh and he shifts his relaxed position on the couch. I turn to look
at
him only to find him watching me and when he speaks his voice his soft.
"Touma-chan?"he asks his golden hair like waves of shimmering
grain
or spun sunlight. His light skin golden in the light that still spills
out from the fire a half smile plays across his lips, and I find I
can
only nod in reply...
... ~*~ ...
Don't you know
That when you touch me baby
That it's touch up...
Brush up against me,
I get chills all down my spine...
.. ~*~ ...
I feel his hand rest on mine where it lays on the arm of the chair I'm
reclining in and I shiver at his touch. His hand feels warm and soft
and mine rough and calloused against his soft touch. Shivers race
through my body and I look up in surprise to see that smile on his
face
the smile that drives me nuts. His flashing ice blue-violet eyes meet
my clear blue ones and I see the mirth in they're clear depth something
I'm not used to seeing there. It is a look I cherish when I do see
it
and I know an involuntary smile spreads across my own face. I open
my
mouth to say something, but find I have not the words to say what is
I
feel in my heart what I've longed to tell him for so long and so I
remain silent for a little longer...
.. ~*~ ...
When you talk to me
It's painful
You don't know what you do
To this heart of mine...
.. ~*~ ...
I blinked in surprise as I feel the warmth of his palm leave the back
of my hand. I watch him swinging his legs over the side of the couch
never taking his eyes off mine when he does so. When he speaks I don't
know what to say I don't know what to do. My heart beats faster just
as
the sound of his voice it's raises and falls in it's soft sing song
sort of tone that I love so much. It falls on my ears sweater then
any
of the music I have heard in my too long and yet at the same time too
short life.
"So?" His soft question brings me back from my revere
and back again
to him. I want to scream it out to the world to anyone who will hear
me
what I feel inside but I can't find the words. My heart aches as you
continue to speak still past the pounding of my heart I can hear not
a
word you say...
.. ~*~ ...
Try'n to make this one intellectual
The way I feel is sexual
The way I feel is sexual
Can't is just be intellectual
The way I feel is sexual
The way I feel is sexual
.. ~*~ ...
Hai, I know they same I am smart. I'm supposed to be the intellectual
one yet how in the hell can they call me that when I can't think
straight whenever he's near. My mind becomes like a wall of fog and
I
can see nothing but him can be seen in it. Every time I try to figure
out the logic behind it all, I keep coming back to is you, and you,
and
you again. I hate to admit it but I know in the deep dark depths of
my
soul, a place I hate to go and yet I fear I must for that is the place
where you reside. For when it comes to you, I know that I love you
and
yet I know that this thing this dark thing I feel it's not just love.
It know the name for it and I'm scared to say it. Lust. The way I feel
for you is also not just simple lust though it goes deeper though how
much deeper I am scared to find out. I'm not sure I want to know and
yet I fear I must or I will go mad but what does it matter. Then again
I'm already mad in a sense...
.. ~*~ ...
I encompass the silence
I watch you're mouth move
Baby When you're speaking...
.. ~*~ ...
As you continue to talk I find myself drawn more and more to you're
lips. I watch them move in silent fascination wondering in the back
of
my mind what you are saying. Focused on you're lips they look soft
and
I want to know what it would be like to pull your body against mine
to
feel your lips pressing against mine as we kiss. But I know it is not
to be. Yet even though I try I can not look away from those lips and
you talk on seemingly un-aware of my preoccupation. Then again you
always were good, perhaps too good at keeping what you really felt
inside you and not showing it.
.. ~*~ ...
Study you're body
When you walk out of the room
.. ~*~ ...
Then suddenly your lips stop moving and I look up in surprise to find
your strange and yet alluring eyes watching me with a sort of
thoughtful look.
"Night Touma-chan,"you say as you stand up and start moving
away
from me. Heading slowly towards the door with a tired shake of your
head. You run your hand through your mused blond locks but they only
fall back into place on your brow. I study your body as you move. The
way you moves with the grace of a cat a half smile on you're face a
lazy relaxed look that makes me smile, that involuntary act feels
strange. I can see your muscles under the loose unbuttoned shirt you're
wearing. I want to know what it would be like to feel your hard toned
muscles under my hands, or pressed against my body. I want you more
then I've ever wanted something before in my life. you pause in the
door and my breath catches in my throat for a second I think you're
going to stop that you will come back to me. But you don't... You move
on up the stairs, slowly I let my breath out wondering how your sleek,
slime body can hold the power I know is hidden in the depths of your
soul. However it does not matter, nothing matters I still can't find
the words...
"Seiji..." I whisper you're name. To my surprise you stop
turning
back to look at me with that little smile that is yours and yours alone.
"What is it Touma-chan?" You ask your eyes studying me,
and I shiver
as they move slowly down my body and then back up.
"Nothing,"I turn away looking down at the book that lies
turned up
side down in my lap where I lay it god knows how long ago. My hands
laying on the arm rests clenched so tightly around them that the
knuckles are white but you seem not to notice that, and perhaps you
don't.
"Nothing Seiji-chan." My heart falls into my stomach as
you
hesitated for a mer fraction of a second before turning and heading
towards you're room with a shrug.
.. ~*~ ...
You don't see how much you...
Value my friend ship
But I want you addicted...
To my perfume
.. ~*~ ...
A single tear slip down my cheek, you have no clue how much you mean
to
me. I wonder what you think of me, what does my presence do when you
are around me? What does our friend ship mean to you? Or is it just
that a friend ship? What would you do if I were no longer here? I know
I could not go on without you, but could you go on without me? Yet
still it is just friendship that is all that is between us. But I still
want more, all I want is you, all of you. You're heart body and soul.
If only it was possible...
.. ~*~ ...
Try'n to make this one intellectual
The way I feel is sexual
The way I feel is sexual
Can't it just be intellectual
The way I feel is sexual
The way I feel is sexual
.. ~*~ ...
As I sit after you have left I try again to figure out this dilemma
but
still it makes no sense. They say I have more brains then most but
my
intellect helps me not this night. The way I feel can not be explained
by pure logic, it just is... I slowly stand up biting my lip as I close
my book folding over the corner of the page. I move up the stairs
pausing to glance at the closed door of you're room. Are you asleep
already? Or are you laying in your bed? When you ly in bed awake at
night do you ever think of me? Do your thoughts ever stray to something
beyond our friend ship even if it's just in your fantasies? I sigh,
and
it sounds loud in the silent darkness of the hall. I turn without
another sound. There is no point in dwelling on it longer... I still
have no words with which to tell you how I feel, if only I had the
words to say what I feel. But I don't and so there is no point in
dwelling on what will not be. My logic tells me that. My logic can
not
help me find the words, perhaps some day my heart will help me find
the
words. But I don't know how to use my heart its like a foreign member
of my body. Even the tears on my cheeks are strange things. I have
cried and yet I find the wetness falling from my eyes unsettling. I
close the door to my room and lean back against it I want to scream
in
frustration. If only I had the words to explain to you how I feel,
if
only..... If only.... If only.... If only, I knew how to use my heart
instead of my logic for some times logic can't not explain things no
matter how hard I try to make it work... And the madness of this
feeling is driving me crazy. If only I know what to say to you ...
.. ~*~ ...
The End
Finished: 1/29/00
