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No One Knows My Heart
Sequel To: The Way I Feel
By: Lady Jaya
Started: 2/10/00

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Song: No One Knows My Heart
By: Susan Austin
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 I sighed as I slowly walked up the stairs, pausing on the lands for a
second before heading towards my room, closing the door quietly behind
him. Closing it against the darkness and the silence that seemed to hang
over the whole place as of late. The others were still gone and wouldn't
be back for a while. So it was only me and Touma left for a little while
longer. Which was fine with me it was nice to have a little quiet time
without the others around all the time. Don't get me wrong we're all
friends, and really close, closer then most people are in face, but that
doesn't mean we don't get tried of each other now and then. Everyone need
their own space some times, though I seem to need it more then the
others... I contemplate this for a while as I pull off my shirt and put
it in the hamper in the corner before glancing around the dark room.
Finally I spotted the cup of water that stood on top of the dresser next
to the bottle of pills, dumping two into my hand I quickly took them and
set the cup back down...

 * ~_~ * ~_~ *

Standing at my window
Hidden by the night
Harboring the private wounds
Safe and out of sight
There's an agony in living
But there's a comfort in the truth
That no one knows my heart
Better then you

 * ~_~ * ~_~ *

 Slowly I turn away and walk over to the window throwing it open, letting
the cool crisp air of the night slide over my warm body. It was colder
then I would have thought out side and yet right then I didn't mind it
felt good. I don't know why but right then I wished the others would come
back, so that I wouldn't have to be here all alone with him for another
day. I wasn't sure how much more of this I could take. I see the way he
looks at me and the fear in his eyes when I catch him watching me. But
what he doesn't understand is that I know how he feels for I know I feel
the same and that scares me. So I stand here hidden by the wings of the
night in the window the window of my life looking back on what I am and
looking out at what I could be not sure what to do to say or to take that
lept to become something different. I know what I fear I keep it locked
away deep inside my heart in a place I rarely dare to go and yet as of
late I find myself longing to go into that dark place more and more. It's
a wound of a sorts a wound of the heart and soul not of the body.
Something that I want and yet I know I can never let myself have never
let myself go for if I do there will be no turning back. But there is
another part of me who wants to forget it all to let it go and not look
back that it doesn't matter just as long as... I can not do that, no one
knows and that is good, that is the way it should be. We are all close
that is true but we all have our secrets that we tell no one things that
we keep hidden in our heart of hearts. But the truth is I am tired of
this life tired of hiding in the shadows, tired of keeping this dreadful
and yet wonderful secret locked away. I want to go to you to place myself
at you're mercy, to tell you everything. I want you to know my heart
better then anyone else, I want you to know how I feel how I think. I
want you to know everything there is about me, everything I keep hidden.
I've never wanted anything so bad before in my life as I want you to know
me now, always I have been alone in this words always on my own and now I
don't want that any more. I want you to know I want you to understand, I
want to hear you're soft words of comfort when I need them when there is
no one else around. But I know that it is not possible that there is
nothing in that avenue of venter and it hurts me to know that. The truth
is I'm scared, I'm scared that what I see in you're eyes when you look at
me isn't true that I will only end up getting hurt and so I say nothing
and go on day to day alone always alone...

 * ~_~ * ~_~ *

I can face a lot of people
With this sanguine act of mine
Guarded by the eloquence
I sometimes hide behind
But it's a veil of false pretenses
That you can see right through
Cause no one knows my heart
Better then you

 * ~_~ * ~_~ *

 Slowly I move from the window closing it quietly with a sigh moving over
to the bed. I'm tired I know I am but somehow sleep doesn't come, it
never does when I wish it would the most. Like tonight sleep eludes me
like the sly fox eludes the hounds when they chase him, but tonight I
would rather be caught then to escape. My heart aches and I stand up
again too restless to lay here and think. I don't want to think it only
takes me lower and lower but there is nothing to do. So I get up and head
towards the door perhaps a snack will help to settle my stomach that
suddenly feels like it's full of butter flies. I glance down the hall
towards his door but will no let myself go there no anywhere but to that
door and into that room. If I ever dare to that there will be no
returning for sure that I know. I turn away and head down the stairs
towards the kitchen not needing the lights to find my way in this place I
know as well as the back of my head.  By the time I hear the door knob
turn its to late to retreat into the relative safety of my room as he
steps out into the hall way above me.
   "Seiji?" His voice his soft and I dare not turn to look at him though
I know he's watching me with those alluring blue eyes half hidden by
uneven locks of blue hair most likely leaning on the banister with a half
smile on his face.
   "What?" My voice sounds strange in the silence of the large nearly
empty house, and he gives a low laugh.
   "I thought you'd gone to bed,"he says and I can hear him moving
towards me. I force myself to calm down though I know my heart is in my
throat, and it is good that he can't see how flushed and hot my cheeks
are in the dark.
   "I'm getting a late night snack," I say putting up my facade of grace
and easy, with much more difficulty then usual. Why is it that I can face
a room full of people without a problem and yet when I'm near you I have
to fight for every ounce of control...
   "Mind if I join ya?" He falls into step with me, and I have no reason
to say yes.
   "No." I'm glad for once that my voice does as I wish it to glad that I
have my control to hide behind even though it seems so transparent when
you're standing next to me and it's harder and harder to keep in place as
the time goes on... And I wonder if you can see straight through me? It
would not surprise me if you could, that if you already know my heart
better then I care to think. But if that is true then you would say
something for you are not one to stay silent unless... I will not think
of that as you move ahead of me into the kitchen and I pray that you do
no turn the lights on, for the darkness helps to hide my discomfort, and
inability to keep control of my emotions no matter how hard I try...

* ~_~ * ~_~ *

Part of me is reaching
Part of me holds back
But when it comes to you
I am a doorway
You're free to walk into
Cause no one knows my heart
Better then you...

* ~_~ * ~_~ *

  Despight myself I let out a sigh when you do not turn the lights on but
instead move across the room to open the fridge and I watch from the
door, no longer do I remember why I even came down here. I watch the way
you're body moves as you lean back slightly to see what's in the father
reaches of the fridge. The bright light from inside high lights you're
slim muscular body making you're hair look more black then the blue I
know it is. Oh god how I want to slip my arms around you're body to pull
you to me and never let you go. You are the most beautifull piece of work
that I have ever seen, so perfect. What would it be like feel you're skin
against mine, to hold you all night to... A part of me longs to reach out
and my mind is reaching out trying to call you to me though I will not
let the words escape my lips, I bite my tongue till I taste blood to keep
the words from coming out.
   "Seiji?" He speaks breaking the spell that had been cast upon my heart
and soul and I pull back knowing I can not tell him no matter what.
   "Hai?" My voice cracks but you seem not to hear it as he turn from me
to look back into the fridge.
   "What do you want?" He asks the question and it rings in my ears and
upon the drum of my heart. ~you~ my mind screams, yet as always I pull
back. I can not tell you, but oh god how I wish I could, how I wish I was
any place but here right now.
   "I don't know," I say finally managing to find my voice again just in
time as you pull out a plate of left over rice. My stomach lurches and
food doesn't sound so good any more, I think if I eat now it won't stay
down long enough for me to take another bite.
    "Rice,"he waves the plate slightly in my direction,"I'll share we can
use two spoons."  I'm I wrong or is there something almost hopeful in his
voice, and in the way his eyes travel across my half clothed body, I
dismiss it as nothing but my already messed up mind, it is not so.
Sometimes I imagine myself as if I were a door way that everyone walks
through but that no one ever says thank you to. For every day you walk
through millions of doors and yet you never notice them. Oh god how I
wish you would come and knock at the door of my heart and I would gladly
let you in, I would let you know what is inside my heart, I would let you
know the very essence of my being if only... You sit down at the table, I
have to leave before I loose all of my control.
   "Night Touma,"I hear the hesitance in my voice, I don't want to leave
and yet at the same time I want to run, and never stop till I'm so far
away that you will never find me.
   "I thought you wanted something to eat?"I see the puzzled look in
you're eyes, and something else almost a hunger that sets my blood on
fire just as the very sight of you makes my palms sweaty, makes me loose
my control almost all the way.
   "I decided I'd better not,"I whisper and I see a surprised, worried
look flash across your face, have you seen past my defenses?
   "Seiji,"you start to stand,"Are you alright."
   "I'm fine,"quickly I hurry towards the door, I have to get out of her.
I near jump out of my skin as you're hand touches my shoulder making me
shiver at the feel of you.
   "Seiji, please."
   "Really Touma,"I try to make my voice sound calm but I know it
doesn't. I pull away from him with a jerk though it eats at the very
essence of my soul as I feel his hand leave my shoulder as I hurry up the
stairs.
   "Call me if you need anything,"a tear spills down my cheek as I open
the door, and close it quickly behind me locking it with hands that
shake...
 
* ~_~ * ~_~ *

There's an agony in living
But there's a comfort in the truth
That no one knows my heart
Oh, no one knows my heart
Better then you...

* ~_~ * ~_~ *
 
 ~Oh god~ my mind whispers as I slowly slide down the rough surface of
the door ~What am I doing?~ In truth I don't know. ~Surviving~ I suppose
~I'm merely living from day to day trying to survive.~ There is an agony
in every minute I live these days, a longing to tell you and always,
always having to fight that longing the longing on of my heart, mind, and
soul. Why don't I just give in and tell you? I do not know the answer to
that question and I'm not sure that I want to. Oh how I long for you to
know me so much better then you do but I know that it's not possible... I
feel like screaming in frustration, and I pound my fists against the
floor leaning my head back against the door in defeat. There is nothing
in this life to live for besides you and even you I can not have. I can
never have anything, and though my heart cries for you to know it can not
happen unless the mountains fall into the heart of the sea and the heaves
come crashing to earth. Perhaps some day I will understand why I fight
this feeling but right now I am no closer to that understanding then I
was a day ago and as the days go by so does my need for you grow stronger
and I fear that one of these days I will no longer be able to keep it
inside. It will break free like some ravished monster and I fear even
more what will happed that day more then I fear death it's self. I could
face death and laugh out loud but when it comes to you I do now know...
It seems I do know my own mind any more... Slowly I stand up, moving away
from the door trying to control the way my hands are shaking but its no
use, firsts clenched at my side and now my whole body is shaking
uncontrollably quickly I sit down on the bed. Chills wash over me now and
I blink back the strange feeling of tears on my cheeks burying my face in
my pillow, but even in sleep I can not escape you or my hearts need for
you...

The End
Finished: 2/12/00
Lady Jaya