|
|
Temple of the Sacred Spiral
Member AvatarSearch OccultLink Exchange
You just read this cool book about a religion where there's a Goddess and a God, and they meet outside in nature, instead of some scary old building. They think sex is good not evil, and you want to know where to sign up.
Distinguishing Signs: Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think a moment about which is deosil and which is widdershins. Has a shiny new athame (rhymes with "A-frame".)
Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one.) Will tell you about the time they dropped acid with Kerry Wendell Thornley - or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson. Anyway, it was somebody with three names. Or was it three people with one name?
Distinguishing Signs: Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently, knows dish about people you've only read about.
Most prized possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree spikes. Simultaneously believes in universal love for humanity AND returning the planet to a pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes and fondle the shrubbery at a moment's notice. Can discuss compost in great detail.
Distinguishing Signs: No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no plastic, no smoke, no drugs, no eco-exploitive products, no animal tested cosmetics, no TV, no car, but very tolerant.
Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is studying Greek, Latin and Hebrew all at once. Does "workings" instead of "rituals". All twenty volumes of their magical diaries are all in Enochian.
Distinguishing Signs: Won't go anywhere without a book. Is constantly aware of which direction is east. Dresses according to planetary conditions, or whatever was on sale at Wal-Mart.
A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three weeks purifying it. She'll have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys allowed in her full-moon club. Can hold forth for hours on the magical properties of menstrual blood.
Distinguishing Signs: Tiny axes or curved knives, just right for amputating a penis, are a favored symbol and often hang conveniently from her body parts. When a man approaches she rolls her eyes and stops talking.
Oh, they're so nice! All that warm, round, sex-positive flesh -- and you can actually carry on a conversation with them between orgasms... pant, drool...
Distinguishing Signs: Cute. Horny. Displays prominent cleavage. Will recite love poetry to you under a full moon. Likes to do it outdoors. Often destitute. All too few of them.
"Hey, boss -- I'd like to take February 2nd as a personal day..." Has an entire chapter of their Book Of Shadows concerned with spells for purifying the workplace. Doesn't mind working on Christmas, especially if there's overtime involved. Quit being overtly Pagan at work since being canned by that born-again boss, but still refuses to say "Merry Christmas."
Distinguishing Signs: Can assume a properly smiley work persona at the drop of a hat. Constantly glances around the room anxiously looking for co-workers and their spies. Non-distinctive style of dress, no conspicuous tattoos.
Can name seventeen industrial goth bands without pausing to think. Knows what a Prince Albert is. Personally feels that if no panicky headlines appear the day after you do a ritual, you screwed up. Painted on their jacket, engraved in their flesh and/or boldly displayed as jewelry is an emblem which resembles a combination of corporate logo and arcane symbol. If you don't know what it means, they'll think you're a dweeb.
Distinguishing Signs: Easy to picture as an alternative musician or bike messenger, difficult to visualize as a school teacher or research assistant, impossible to imagine as a TV news anchor or bank officer. Always wears black leather, even when sleeping.
At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that requires a special key for elevator access. Lurks around knots of conversation eavesdropping in order to see if their name is being mentioned. Arrives in helicopter especially for rituals. Starts every sentence with "I". If you ask them how it's going, they hand you a press release.
Distinguishing Signs: Always has plenty of books to autograph and will personally sell them to you at a slight discount from cover price. Never seen unaccompanied by beefy amazonian bodyguards and doe-eyed hangers-on. Seems vaguely afraid of anyone they don't already know.
Would never be caught dead skyclad. Rarely smiles, except in a snide, knowing way which insinuates you are an ignorant peasant worthy of conquest. Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh and read The Bell Curve with smug satisfaction. Fascinated with Nazis. Probably has never hurt a fly, but they want you to think they're capable of vast destruction.
Distinguishing Signs: Lots of black and red. Men like goatees, women favor heavy black eyeliner. At least one inverted pentagram somewhere on their person. If you see several of them getting tanked in a bar, it would be wise to stay far away.
Every magical gathering has at least one of these, along with several variants along the lines of Gerald Gardner, Tituba, Morgan LeFey, or somebody who was Atlantean royalty. Many of them were abducted by aliens recently, and have disturbing dreams rich with arcane symbolism that they will tell you all about, in great detail.
Distinguishing Signs: Look for the intense gleam in the eyes, the backpack rattling with various psychiatric medications, and the garments that were clearly designed and tailored on another planet.
Young and psychedelic. Can dance non-stop all night. Refuses to do boring Eurocentric rituals and prefers deities from sunny climes with lots of interesting local plants. Can say "Ayahuasca" ten times real fast and deliver long quotes from Terrence McKenna.
Distinguishing Signs: Dresses in color combinations that hurt the eyes unless you've taken ecstasy. Bloodshot eyes, blissful smile, never goes anywhere without
ritual drum.
Is he a she? Is she a he? Are they a couple, or are those two a
couple or are all four of them a quadruple? If getting answers to these
questions could disturb you, best stay away. If, on the other hand, these
kind of questions seem overly judgmental, you might have a real good
time ...
Distinguishing Signs: When you look at this person, does every sex act you've ever experienced in your life seem hopelessly vanilla? If so, congratulations -- you've found a Fairie!
Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a stage manager, an orchestra with chorus and last at least three hours? It's a High Episcopagan! They can memorize pages and pages of Olde Englishe, have more ritual garbs than most people have socks, and consider their main pagan influences to be Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland and Busby Berkeley.
Distinguishing Signs: Book of Shadows exceeds five volumes. Knows every note of "Carmina Burana" Don't ask them about that 18th century seed pearl trim on their ritual hat unless you've got an hour to spare.
If it's in a book, it must be true. If it's in an old book, it must really be true. If it's in an old book that was handed down from an oral tradition of people who couldn't read, then it must really be way true. Gnashes their teeth if anyone shows up at a circle wearing a watch, glasses, or other mechanical assistance. Believes that anyone who lives in a city, eats meat or has a regular job dare not call themselves a pagan.
Distinguishing Signs: Has hissy fits when somebody brings up the old "Crowley ghosted Gardner's books" argument. Goes around correcting everyone's gaelic/old norse/latin/babylonian.
Uses animal symbolism to express nearly all opinions and feelings. Charter member of PETA. Thinks meat eaters should be publicly executed. Has many, many, many pets. Has a spirit animal. Personally owns 927 models, pictures, and other depictions of their spirit animal.
Distinguishing Signs: Not counting the pagan his/herself, how many animals can you see when looking at them? If the count surpasses five (including critters found on tattoos, jewelry, garments and undies), you've found a worshipper of beasties.
Analyzes everything they read or hear for sexist-racist-homophobic- imperialist-Eurocentric content without paying attention to what is actually being said. Believes in personal liberty -- everyone has the right to be overbearing, dogmatic and holier-than-thou, not just the Xtian Right. Incredibly boring yet annoyingly self-righteous all at the same time.
Distinguishing Signs: Beady hyper-alert little eyes are constantly in motion, waiting for someone to do or say something bad. Has loud and attention attracting hissy fits when confronted with everyday things such as advertising or corporate franchises. Rudimentary sense of humor is rarely activated.
Is constantly persecuted. You're probably persecuting her right now, you just don't realize it. Became a Pagan because she decided it was that most persecuted religion of all. Can't enjoy anything because it would be selfish to have any fun when so many are suffering.
Distinguishing Signs: Tales of woe. Even less of a sense of humor than Priest/ess of Political Correctness. Bristles when anyone says the words "masochist" or "whining".
Knows at least three filks about Cthulhu and at least forty Star Trek jokes. Has found a clever way to create simple furniture from stacks of science fiction paperbacks. Can name ninety different kinds of space ship.
Distinguishing Signs: Two fisted drinking style. Probably still lives with parents. Many cryptic buttons, badges, patches and other insignia. Too smart for their own good.
Insist that they aren't homophobic; they just believe that Paganism is about a goddess and a god and they do it and what could be more obvious than that? It just doesn't "work right" if you try any other way! Are secretly afraid that gays and/or lesbians are dying to jump their tender hetro bones.
Distinguishing Signs: Living spaces abound with depictions of satyrs with enormous genitals and huge-breasted, doe-eyed goddesses. Long manicured nails and wreaths of flowers (on females only -- men have big, bushy beards instead).
Heroic and vikingly, these pagans often get into trouble with festival organizers and park rangers due to their fondness for running around with a huge battle-ax in one hand and a full mead horn in the other. They throw the best parties, but if you're a wimp, you're expressly not invited.
Distinguishing Signs: Look for the large, foreboding, biker-like persons wearing runes, with many pounds of amber dangling from their necks.
Pagans have disposable income too, right? So how come they aren't buying my hand forged Venus of Willendorf necklaces -- they come in silver and gold, and each one has a genuine cubic zirconium belly button. Would you like a reading? Will that be Visa or MasterCard?
Distinguishing Signs: Has business cards featuring little embossed pentagrams. You've never seen so much Egyptian god/dess jewelry on a human being in your whole life.
Can build own house, kill own food, school own children, and brew own hootch. Owns guns. Anointing oil is 30 weight. Scrying mirror says "objects are closer than they appear".
Distinguishing Signs: Athame is a Gerber with a compass and waterproof secret compartment. Eats meat with visible twitches of pleasure. Ritual robes made from cammo fabric.
Often found discussing the best method of removing hot wax from keyboards. Seems unaccustomed to sunlight. Have had coven-mates for years whom they have never seen face to face, much less know which continent they live on.
Distinguishing Signs: Casts circle with #5 torx driver. Chalice contains Jolt. BoS is writtin in Perl. Refers to eclectic ritual as "cross-platforming." Thinks "naked in your rites" means a non-GUI environment.
#In the beginning was the computer. And God said
:Let there be light!
#You have not signed on
:God.
#Enter user password.
:Omniscient.
#Password Incorrect. Try again!
:Omnipotent.
#Password Incorrect. Try again!
:Technocrat.
#And God signed on 12:01 a.m., Sunday, March 1.
:Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again!
:Create light.
#Done.
:Run heaven and earth.
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:02 a.m., Sunday, March 1.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Monday, March 2.
:Let there be firmament in the midst of the water and
#Unrecognizable command! Try again!
:Create firmament.
#Done.
:Run firmament.
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Monday, March 2.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.
:Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in string specification! Try again.
:Create dryland.
#Done!
:Run dryland.
#And God created Earth and Seas. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.
:Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night.
#Unspecified type. Try again!
:Create sunmoonstars.
#And God created Sun, Moon, Stars. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Thursday, March 5.
:Create fish.
#Done.
:Create fowl.
#Done.
:Run fish'nfowl.
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind.
#0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Thursday, March 5.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Friday, March 6.
:Create cattle.
#Done.
:Create creepy things.
#Done.
:Now let us make man in our image.
#Unspecified type! Try again.
:Create man.
#Done.
:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over of the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth.
#Too many command operands! Try again.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
:Insert breath.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
:Move man to Garden of Eden.
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
:Create Gard.En.
#Done.
:Move man to Gard.En.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
:Copy woman from man.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
:Insert woman into man.
#Illegal parameters. Try again!
:Insert man into woman.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
:Create desire.
#Done.
:Run multiplication.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create freewill.
#Done.
:Run freewill.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Undo desire.
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
:Destroy freewill.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Help!
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Create Treeofknowledge.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create good'nevil.
#Done.
:Activate evil.
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning: System error in sector E95. Man'nwoman not in Gard.En.
#1 errors.
:Scan Gard.En. for man'nwoman.
#Man'nwoman cannot be located. Try again!
:Search Gard.En. for man'nwoman.
#Search failed.
:Delete shame.
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
:Destroy freewill.
#Freewill an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
:Stop!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Break
:Break
:Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS: SERVER GOING DOWN IN 5 MINS FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST. PLEASE SIGN OFF NOW.
:Create new world.
#You have exceeded your allotted file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.
:Destroy earth.
#Destroy earth. Please confirm.
#SERVER SHUTTING DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME ON SUNDAY MARCH 8
AT 6:00 A.M. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW!
#And God signed off at 11:59 p.m., Friday, March 6.
NO, not Magic: The Gathering. I mean Real magic:
Magick is the Science and Art of causing Change to occur in conformity with Will.- Aleister Crowley
There are several ways of describing finer nuances in the Code system. The following are lifted from the Geek Code, illustrated using a fictional category X:
There is also a way to write the Code more compactly. If you have identical ratings, say +++, in several categories, say X and Y, and none of the categories involved have slash ("/") modifiers, you can write "X/Y+++" instead of "X+++ Y+++".
The Geek Code specifies that a person's Code shall start with the letter "G" for Geek, followed by some letters which broadly describe what field of Geek s/he is. The Magic Code is similar, except of course we use the letter M.
Choose the letter or letters following the M which most suit you. A Neopagan who thought Qabalah was really useful would write MPA/QU. And so on. (Don't put down everything you do in this, because that's what the other categories are for!)
A "Secret Order", for our purposes, is one which requires secrecy about anything except membership of other people. (An Order which forbids you to reveal that So-and-So other than yourself is a member, isn't being unduly secret.)
You get an additional plus rating if any Order you are part of disapproves of your membership in any other Order you are part of. You get two extra pluses if any Order you are part of (but not being removed from) disapproves of your membership in itself.
The Goetia is a part of the Western Hermetic tradition. It involves demonic beings evoked as servitors. Some see this as evil, some as good, and some don't care. Some find the Goetia useful, some not so useful, and others don't think it works at all.>
The correct spelling of this has been much debated. One correspondent expressed the belief that Qabalah was the Hermetic way, Kabballah the Jewish way, and Cabala the Christian way. Whatever. I intend no disrespect, but there really ins't consistency on this subject.
In recognition of the problem, however, I have added letters to the 'Q'. If you include the Qabalah (or whatever!) in your Magic Code, please use the letter 'Q' first to provide consistency (K and C are more likely to be taken by other ratings than Q.) So for example, as an enthusiast of Qabalah from a Hermetic perspective, my Qabalah rating would be: QH+++.
Note: Only count things below which are undertaken
because of your spiritual beliefs and practices. Do not count dietary
restrictions due to doctor's orders. Do not count vegetarianism if it
is because you don't like the taste of meat or you have a moral
objection to the killing/raising of livestock.
Also, only count the highest rating of a given type. If you may not have sex at all, count 3, not 1+2+3=6. If you are a vegetarian, count 2, not 1+2=3.
Finally, because it's possible to have a very high D rating, do not use pluses, but rather digits: e.g. D1, D0, D9.
Add 1 to your D level for each of the following:
How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Materials required: On the altar are brown candles, a Tootsie Roll (the great big one- as the
athame),
a large glass with milk in it (the chalice), a small dish of Nestle's Quick and a spoon, a small dish of
chocolate sprinkles, a plate of cupcakes, and some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet.
CLEANSE THE SACRED SPACE: (take the small bowl of chocolate sprinkles)
Chocolate sprinkles where thou art cast
Nestle's Quick where thou art cast
CAST THE CIRCLE (using a tootsie roll) CALL THE QUARTERS:
Mousse of the East, Fluffy one!
Fondue of the South, Molten one!
Cocoa of the West, Satisfying one!
Rocky Road of the North, Cold one!
MAIN RITUAL HANDMAIDEN (Henceforth known as the Swiss Miss): Listen to the words of the Mother of Chocolate; who was of old called: Godiva, Ethel M., Sara Lee, Nestle, Mrs. See, and by many other names:
HPS: Whenever you have one of those cravings, once in a while and better it be when your checkbook is full,
then shall you assemble in a great public place and bring offerings of money to the spirit of Me, who is Queen
of all Goodies. In the mall shall you assemble, you who have eaten all your chocolate and are hungry for more.
To you I shall bring Good Things for your tongue. And you shall be free from depression. And as a sign that you are truly free, you shall have chocolate smears on your cheeks, and you shall munch, nosh, snack, feast, and make yummy noises all in my presence.
For mine is the ecstacy of phenylalanine, and mine is also the joy on earth, yea, even into high
orbit for my law is "melts in your mouth, not in your hand". Keep clean your fingers, carry Wet Ones always,
let none stop you aside. For mine is the secret that opens your mouth, and mine is the taste that puts a smile on your lips
and comfy padding pounds on your hips.
I am the gracious Goddess who gives the gift of joy onto the tummies of men
and women. Upon earth, I give knowledge of all things delicious, and beyond death... well, I can't do much there.
Sorry about that. I demand only your money in sacrifice, for behold, chocolate is a business, and you have to pay for
those truffles before you eat them.
SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Goodie Goddess, she in the dust of whose feet
are the cheap imitations, whose body graces candy racks and finer stores everywhere:
HPS: I, who am the beauty of chocolate chips, and the satisfying softness of big bars, the mystery of how
they get the filling inside truffles, and fill the hearts of all but Philistines with desire, call unto thy soul to arise
and come unto me. For I am the soul of candy, from me do all confections spring, and unto me all of you shall return,
again.... and again... and again.... and again. Before my smeared face, beloved of women and men,
thine innermost divine self shall be enfolded in the rapture of overdose. Let my taste be within thy mouth that rejoices.
For behold, all acts of yumminess and pleasure are my rituals.
Therefore let there be gooeyness and mess, crispness and crackling, big slabs and bite size pieces, peanut
butter and chocolate covered cherries all within you. And you who think to seek me, know that your
seeking and yearning shall avail you not unless you know the Mystery: "We shall sell no chocolate until
you pay for it" For behold: I have been with you since you were just a baby, and I am that which is
attained at nearly any shop in the land. Messed be.
SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Chocolate God, who was called Ghirardelli, Milton Snavely Hershey, Bosco, Fudgesicle, and by many other names.
HP: I am the strength of the candy rack, and the piece that fell on the floor but
looks like it may not have gotten too dirty, and the deepest bitterness of dark chocolate. No matter how
you try to resist the call of chocolate, I will hunt you out, and I will become your
sacred prey. I am warmth of hot cocoa in the dead of winter, and the call of the road that leads you to that
really expensive Godiva store downtown. I give you my creatures, the fire of love of chocolate, the power
of jaw strength to bite off a piece of that frozen Milky Way bar and the shelter of Haagen Dazs when that
big date didn't work out. You are dear to me, and I instill in you my power of a piece of chocolate that you
had forgotten you had hidden, and the power of vision and magickal sight with which you can spot a candy
counter a mile away. By the powers of the half melted bar in the glorious sun, I charge you, by the darkest
depths of the bottom of the cocoa pot and lingering smell of bittersweet chocolate, I charge you, and by the
beauty of a perfectly swirled vanilla butter cream, I charge you. Follow your heart and your instinct,
wherever they lead you. The wealth in your pocket can buy you treats that a Mayan king would envy.
Take joy in that first bite of lecithin emulsified cocoa, and
in the last satisfying slurp of Yoo-Hoo. Yet you must be wary of deceit. Eat not of that which is called
"baking chocolate", for it is vile and bitter. Lastly, always remember to leave some chocolate behind you.
Be not greedy, but let yourself be known as a conoisseur. Leave a little for someone else. I am with you
always, just over your shoulder, or around the next corner. I am the Lord of Chocolate, and when you have
reached the end of you hoard, I will never be further away from you than that 7-Eleven on the corner. I am
the spirit of the wild child, the inner child who can never get quite enough. If you are a true chocolate
lover, then your soul and mine are intertwined.
(Blessing of the Yoo-Hoo)
HP: Be it known that milk chocolate is not better than dark chocolate
(Blessing of the Cupcakes)
CLOSE CIRCLE
by Don McLeod In the 1980's it was fashionable to be interested in the New Age. This
is now a dreadful faux pas within the alternative scene, and in order
to be accepted in the 1990's metaphysical social set, one must have
an interest in Witchcraft or Paganism. Of course, you don't have to actually
belong to a coven in order to be thought of as a Witch, you can bluff your
way into being accepted as a fully fledged Witch simply by knowing a few
terms and dressing accordingly. This brings us to... Your new girlfriend has just invited you to the spiritual development group
that she attends every week. You agree, but you feel a growing sense of panic when
you realise that you are totally ignorant of spiritual concepts. What will these
people be like? How will you keep up your SNAG act in front of real Sensitive New
Age Guys? Fear not! All you need to know about the New Age is in the following paragraphs.
By remembering a few key phrases, you will be accepted into any spiritual group as
a fellow traveller along Truth's highway.
1.Ask them if they are Satan worshippers. * Never summon Anything you can't banish.
For those of you that are not following the recent controversy
that has to do with Laura Schlessinger, she is a radio personality who dispenses
advice to people who call in to her radio show. Paramount Television Group
is currently producing a "Dr. Laura" television show. Recently she
has become a convert to Judaism, and now she is Ba'al T'shuvah.
Recently, she has made some statements about homosexuals that has
caused the Canadian anti-hate laws to censure her....The following is an
open letter to Dr. Laura which was posted on the internet....ENJOY.
Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's
Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the
homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22
clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the
specific laws and how to best follow them.
a)When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know
it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my
neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
b)I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price
for her?
c)I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in
her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how
do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
d)Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of
mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians, can
you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
e)I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus
35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated
to kill him myself?
f)A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
Abomination (Lev. 1:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I
don't agree, can you please settle this?
g)Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I
have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
h)Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by
Lev.19:27. How should they die?
i)I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig
makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
j)My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments
made of two different kinds of thread, (cotton/polyester blend) He also
tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go
to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them?
(Lev.4:10-16). Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family
affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you
can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.
Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.
Martha
Blessed be and Never Thirst from Kim and Quenten.
Sign Our Guestbook
Click on Menu Item (they are now in alphabetical order, almost!) to navigate through this Web site.
Feel free to pinch this banner to link back to us on your own Web Page - let us know if you do, though :)
Add 2 to your D level for each of the following:
Add 3 to your D level for each of the following:
4: A collection of various pagan lightbulb jokes
Return to top of page
Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that
lightbulbs never burned out before those Christians came along.
1.) Sorry, that's a Third Degree secret.
2.) (in a low ominous tone) "Why do you want to know...initiate?"
1) Dunno - we haven't looked it up in the Gardnerian Book Of Shadows yet.
2) 13. One High Priestess to change the bulb, and 12 to hold her up under all
that jewelry.
13. One to change the bulb, and 12 to mourn the passing of the old bulb.
1.) Candlelight was good enough for our ancestors, it's good enough for us!
2.) Go ask your own grandmother!
THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
1) 93.
2) None - real Thelemites aren't afraid of the dark.
501. One to change the bulb and 500 to align the new stone.
Six. One to change the bulb, one to write a song about how much better the old
bulb was, and four to write conflicting parodies of the second Druid's song.
(plaintively) "There are starving villages in Africa that don't even HAVE light
bulbs..."
bulb?
"Just you! That's right, YOU! And for only $195 we'll send you our complete
"Witches Magic Power of Light Bulb Changing Course" with real knowledge that
you can apply this to ANY light bulb ANYwhere! Listen to the testimony of a
young couple from Wisconsin who..."
"How many have we got?"
Five Tons.
"Refer to my second book, Practical Light Bulb Changing by Raymond
Buckland..."
Two, as long as the lamp is by the bed...
One. They hold it up, and the world revolves around them.
Into what?
(if they actually ask 'how many?', drum your fingers and stare at them as you
wait for them to grasp the obvious)Astrological LightBulb Jokes
•Just the one. You want
to make something of it, eh?
•None. Arians aren't afraid of the dark.
•Only
one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs.(*smash* *pop* *crash*)
How many
Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb?
•One. But only if they can celebrate
afterwards with a ten course meal and some great sex.
•None; Tauruses never want
to change anything.
•One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned out
bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
How many Geminis does it take
to change a lightbulb?
•Two. Plus a portable phone, an internet link, and a copy
of the "Bluffer's Guide to Changing Lightbulbs."
•Two (of course) but
it will take all week, and when they're done the lightbulb will do your homework,
speak French, and shine any color you want it to.
•Two, but they never change
it - they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed
to be done.
How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb?
•Just
one, but it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process.
•Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable diaper, too!
•None: A Cancerian
would worry himself to death with the problem.
How many Leos does it
take to change a lightbulb?
•Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes
their agents get a Virgo in to do it for them while they're out.
•One: He holds
the bulb and the world spins around him.
•None: Leos are so enthusiastic they
carry their own light.
How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb?
•Virgos don't have time to change their own lightbulbs, they're too busy changing
them for everyone else.
•Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
•Let's see, one to spot the bulb, one to record the time the bulb burned out
and the date it was purchased, one to decide who's fault it is that the bulb burned
out and ask why that brand was chosen in the first place, ten to decide to remodel
the house as long as they're changing the bulb....
How many Libras does
it take to change a lightbulb?
•Er, two, or, maybe one. No--on second thought,
make that two. Is that OK with you?
•Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic
in the dark? •
Well gee, I don't know really. I guess it depends on the bulb,
and where it burned out. It might perhaps just take one if it's just an ordinary
bulb, or maybe two if the person doesn't know where to find a new bulb, or....
How
many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb?
•None -- they'd rather sit
in the dark.
•Why do you want to know? Are you a cop?
•That information is
strictly secret and only shared with the inner members of the hierarchical order.
How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
•Look,
ask me when I get back from India, OK?
•The sun is shining, the day is young,
we've got out whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned out lightbulb?
•A whole bunch: You can only keep them in the room long
enough for each of them to give the bulb a quarter turn.
How many Capricorns
does it take to change a lightbulb?
•None. Capricorns can't afford new lightbulbs
-- unless they're a legitimate business expense.
•I don't waste my time with
these childish jokes.
•None. Why should I bother? It's probably just going to
burn out again tomorrow anyway.
How many Aquarians does it take to change
a lightbulb?
•Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so....
•A
hundred, but they'll all be competing to be the one to change the bulb and bring
light into the world.
•Like, why don't you just get out of my face and stop asking
me to do all your work for you? I'm, like, really totally sick and tired of you asking
me questions.
How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb?
•What
lightbulb?
•Huh? The light's out?
•None: They concern themselves with inner
light.
5: The Chocolate Ritual
Ritual by John L. Shepard, copyright August 1993
No calories in thy presence last.
Let no fat adhere to me
And as I will so mote it be!
Turn this milk to chocolate, fast.
Let all good things come to me,
and make my milk all chocolatey!
Great prince of the palace of dessert!
Be present we pray thee,
and guard this circle from all moochers approaching from the East.
Great prince of the palace decadence!
Be present we pray thee,
and guard this circle from all diets approaching from the South.
Great prince of the palace of thirst!
Be present we pray thee,
and guard this circle from all carob approaching from the West.
Great prince of the palace of crunchy!
Be present we pray thee,
and guard this circle from all cheap imitations approaching from the North.
HPS: Nor is dark chocolate better than milk chocolate
HP: For both are better than the falsely named "white chocolate"
HPS: And neither one is carob
HP: As the frosting is to the cupcake
HPS: So the creamy nougat is to the Milky Way bar
BOTH: And when they are eaten, they are yummy in truth, for there is no greater snack in all the world than one made of chocolate.
HP: Frosting is keen
HPS: And frosting is neat
BOTH: Great Goddess! Let's eat!
(Feasting and Drinking)
HPS: Oh, ye mighty goodies of the Realm, we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our
circle, and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms, we say unto you, "N-E-S-T-L-E-S, Nestles
makes the very best"
ALL: "Choooooooc-laaaaate" (After all quarters have been dismissed, give a
final satisfying
belch at the east)
How to Become A Witch
in Nine Easy Lessons
Rule # 1: Image is Everything. After all, what's the good of being
a Witch if nobody knows you are one? You must therefore wear black at all
times. If possible, stay out of the sun until you become really pale, as
this makes the effect even better. For women (and adventurous males) dark
eyeliner and black nail polish can enhance this look. Also wear crystals
and cheap occult paraphernalia at all times, and make sure that these are
as gaudy and bizarre as possible, as this can only help your image. Wearing
a pentacle around your neck is an absolutely necessary accessory - the bigger
the better! Capes and cloaks are optional around town - it depends on how
much of a visual impact you want to make, but either of these are also crucial
apparel at any ritual or gathering that you may attend.
Rule # 2: Name Dropping is Good. Every serious student of The
Craft (and I'm talking here about the term for Witchcraft, not macramé)
knows the name Gerald Gardner. This man revitalised Witchcraft in
the mid 1900's with his book about the true history of The Old Religion
(some have called this book pure fiction, but only those picky few who like
books to be based on facts). Real Witches however, never let historical
accuracy get in the way of their spiritual path, so in conversations with
other Witches, quote his name as often as possible (in tones of awe) and
you will always be rewarded with smiles of acceptance.
Rule # 3: Past Life Name Dropping is Even Better. Tell everyone about
the past life memories that have been surfacing since you began studying
the Black Arts. It is especially useful to remember a past lifetime as a
Witch who was killed during the Inquisition, or at least recall a lifetime
as a famous occultist. My past lives have included Aleister Crowley, Cagliostro,
Mandrake the Magician, and most of the cast of "Bewitched".
Rule # 4: Behave Strangely. Never forget why it was that you wanted
to become a Witch - yes, so that you have an excuse for strange behaviour.
Previously labelled eccentric behaviour patterns can now be accepted by
others if they have a reason to explain it, even if that reason for howling
at full moons while naked is simply, "He/she is a Witch, that's
normal for them evidently." So, don't let your friends down, behave
strangely, you can get away with it now.
Rule # 5: Watch Occult Movies. Make sure that you watch the movie
"Warlock" lots of times to perfect those soft landings after over-indulging
with the flying ointments (read as mead and weed).
Rule # 6: Ready Yourself for Sex, Money and Power. Wasn't this the
other reason you were drawn to Witchcraft? In the past, adepts of the occult
were known to possess charismatic, lusty and powerful personas - when people
find out that you are a Witch, they may automatically assume (and
therefore empower you) with these same qualities. This may sound pretty
good, but unfortunately in today's world, another group of people have become
even more established within the realms of kinky sex sessions and unlimited
power - yes, the politicians! Beware of this elitist group of power-brokers...they
don't want any competition to their manipulative monopoly over the gullible
public - hence the laws against Witchcraft and divination that have remained
unchanged for centuries. So, if calling yourself a High Priest doesn't lead
you to unlimited sex, money and power - or if it does, but you then find
yourself as the target of political and legal harassment - you may have
to put aside your cloak and broomstick and pick up a pin-stripe suit and
a back-bench in Parliament. If you can't beat them, try bribery, then if
that doesn't work...join them!
Rule # 7: Atmosphere is Essential. Your home must reflect your Witchy
nature. Incense must burn continuously. It's important that visitors see
clouds of incense smoke billowing from a spluttering censer in the corner
of your dim, dank and dusty home, so dismantle the smoke detectors and start
collecting strange little bottles of exotic looking ingredients (use your
imagination and label them with names like powdered bat's eyes, or
dried dragon's gonads). And if you don't like housework, you can
explain that the layer of dust that covers your floors and furniture helps
to neutralise the highly charged psychic energy that results from your magical
spells, thereby protecting your home and possessions from electromagnetic
disintegration.
Rule # 8: Be Patronising to Christians. In social discussions don't
forget to make plenty of derogatory remarks about fundamentalist Christians,
but remember to save your most biting comments for other Witches that you
don't get along with.
Rule # 9: Brag About Your Psychic Powers. Any self-respecting Witch
will tell you that after their initiation to Witchcraft, their psychic powers
awakened and their tarot cards (which they always carry with them) are now
much easier to read (they now get something right once in a while). They
will also tell you that they can now sense energy fields (in other words,
they don't bump into things as often as they used to). Follow this example
and brag about the rapid development of your psychic abilities since your
initiation. If asked about your initiation ceremony, simply state that you
were sworn to secrecy about it, then quickly change the subject by mentioning
your newly awakened ability to detect Ley-lines, but try to remember that
a Ley-line is not a queue for the after-ritual orgy!
Now you know how to pass yourself off as a real Witch, so place that broomstick
in a conspicuous corner (one that is not clouded by too much incense smoke);
pull on those black clothes; give everyone that you meet a sinister look
- and your social status will improve overnight. If you do all of this successfully,
you may even find yourself with enough adoring acolytes so that you can
start your own coven! Good luck and Blessed Be!
A Comparative on Religion
ATHEISM: No s--t.
BUDDHISM: If s--t happens, it really isn't s--t
CALVINISM:
S--t happens because you don't work hard enough.
CATHOLICISM: S--t happens because
you are BAD.
CEREMONIAL MAGIC: I can make s--t Happen.
CHAOS THEORIST S--t
happens randomly
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: S--t is only in your mind.
CONFUCIANISM:
Confucius say: "s--t happens.
DRUIDISM: S--t happens to help the trees.
ENOCHIAN
S--t happens in this formation...
EXISTENSIALISM: What is this s--t anyway?
FUNDAMENTALISM:
BIG s--t will happen... SOON!
HARE KRISHNA: S--t happens Rama Rama.
HEDONISM:
There's nothing like good s--t happening...
HINDUISM: This s--t happened before.
ISLAM:
If s--t happens, it is the will of Allah.
JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES:Let us save you
from the s--t.
JUDAISM: Why does s--t always happen to US?
MOONIES: Only happy
s--t really happens.
MORMONISM: If s--t Happens, you have two wives to blame it
on.
NEW AGE: Visualize no s--t happening.
PAGANISM: S--t is a part of the Goddess
too!
PROTESTANTISM: S--t won't happen if I work harder.
QUAKERS: No s--t here,
please.
RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke some s--t.
SANTERIA: S--t Happens to your
goat.
SATANISM: Sneppah T--s.
SCIENTOLOGY: Feces Occurs
STOICISM: S--t is
good for me.
SEVENTH DAY ADVENTISTS:No s--t on Saturdays.
TAOISM: S--t happens.
TELEVANGELISM:
Send money or s--t will happen to you!
WICCANISM: Oh s--t, I got that spell wrong
again."
YAWEHS: S--t Happens to white folks.
ZEN: What is the sound of
s--t happening?
ZOROASTRIANISM: S--t happens half the time
Various World Religions
Taoism:
Hare Krishna:
Confucianism:
Buddhism:
Zen:
7th Day Adventism:
Hinduism:
Protestantism:
Calvinism:
Episcopalianism:
Lutheranism:
Anglicanism:
Catholicism:
Charismatic Catholicism:
Judaism:
Reform Judaism:
Islam:
Nation of Islam:
New Age:
Wicca:
Jehovah's Witnesses:
Secular Humanism:
Darwinism:
Creationism:
Christian Science:
Atheism:
Religion from an Atheist's point of view:
Agnosticism:
Rastafarianism:
Mormonism:
Energizer Bunny:
Baptist:
Southern Baptist:
Iraqi Baathist:
Voodoo:
Televangelism:
Unitarianism:
Orthodox:
Greek Orthodox:
EST:
Fundamentalism:
Twelve Step:
Amish:
Native Americans:
Shintoism:
Moonies:
Stoicism:
Zoroastrianism:
Bahaism:
Mysticism:
Paganism:
Rajhneesh:
Rosicrucianism:
Satanism:
Witchcraft:
Scientology:
Shamanism:
Sikhism:
Moilanenism:
Sureshism:
Branch Davidianism:
Divorcism:
Creation Science:
Discordianism:
Kibology:
Spam:
SubGenius:
Dianetics:
In other various ways
Yuppie Shit:
An Employer:
Environmentalism:
Political Correctness:
Heisenbergism:
Quantum Shittydynamics:
Einsteinism:
Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law:
Washington:
Lincoln:
Nixon:
Reagan:
Quayle:
Clinton:
Bush:
Baker:
Saddam:
Perot:
McCarthyism:
Martin Luther King:
Julius Caesar:
Kennedy:
John Paul Jones:
James Tiberius Kirk:
Shirley MacClaine:
Neil Armstrong:
Shakespeare:
Computer Science:
UNIX:
VAX/VMS:
Macintosh:
IBM/DOS:
Windows:
Cray:
C:
Fortran:
Cobol:
BASIC:
Communism:
Marxism:
Socialism:
Capitalism:
Americanism:
Materialism:
Cannibalism:
Vegetarianism:
Hedonism:
Existentialism:
Realism:
Denialism:
Purism:
Procrastinationism:
Avoidanceism:
Repressionism:
Fatalism:
Surrealism:
Nihilism:
Fetishism:
Masochism:
Sadism:
Dyslexia:
According to the Philospohers
Thales:
Epicurus:
Socrates:
Aristotle:
Descartes:
Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire):
Thoreau:
Sartre:
Freudianism:
In various professions
Mathematician:
Statistician:
Physicist (Theoretical):
Physicist (Experimental):
Engineer:
Chemist:
Biologist:
Botanist:
Economist:
Beurocrat:
CEO:
Lawyer:
Doctor:
Acupuncturist:
Surgeon:
Psychologist:
Programmer:
Social Scientist:
Historian:
Politician:
Waitress:
Teacher:
Dean:
Accountant:
Linguist:
Quality Control Inspector:
IRS Auditor:
Be an expert on the New Age in five minutes!
by Don McLeod
Rule number one for the novice New
Ager is to make sure that a crystal of some sort is visible on you at all times.
You will notice that all of the women will be wearing a necklace of either amethyst
or rose quartz, but for a man, a large chunk of natural, clear quartz that is strapped
to a cord around your neck is far more suitable. If you feel uncomfortable wearing
your crystal in this way, then carrying it in your hand is also quite acceptable,
as long as you remember to look at it appreciatively every now and then, making sure
that others see it too of course. When people notice your crystal they will invariably
ask, "What is your crystal programmed for?" In reply, avoid any macho response
that suggests that you are using it to attract more sex, money, or power, as this
will blow your cover immediately, instead, use the vague, but common phrase, "I
have programmed it to help me to enhance my spiritual growth." This reply will
satisfy the enquirer without encouraging questions of a more specific nature.
To
acquire a new name that reflects your spiritual goals is also quite common among
New Agers, therefore don't be surprised if you are introduced to people with strange
names such as Shekinah, Silver Wolf, or Starlight. To find your own spiritual name,
you can use either of two methods. You could choose a word at random from any New
Age magazine, or you could ask your spirit guide for a suggestion.
To have
a spirit guide is as necessary for the New Ager as having a permanent smile on your
face. If you are asked who your spirit guide is, then it is safest to opt for a Red
Indian guide - everyone else does! Make sure that you give your spirit guide an impressive
name though. You won't gain much respect from your peers within the spiritual development
circles if your guide is called Joe, so give him a name such as Snow Buffalo, Tall
Eagle, or Smiling Rainbow Hearted Mountain Bear. If you want to be a bit different,
or if someone else has already chosen the name that you made up for your guide, then
go a step further and say that instead of a spirit guide you have a guardian angel.
For extra points, use the name of one of the Archangels and the eyes of the people
in the group will light up with awe and admiration. Don't go too far though, as an
inferred conversation with God or the late J.C. will mean that you will soon find
yourself standing alone, looking with feigned interest at the dozen or so statues
of unicorns and Red Indians that the host has proudly displayed on the mantelpiece.
As you settle in for the evening's lesson and psychic exercises (aerobics
for the soul), you will invariably be asked to participate in an experiment on past
life recall. Here is another ideal opportunity to impress your girlfriend and the
rest of the group. Once again though, use moderation in your claims and don't invent
details of a life as Tutankhamen or Henry the Eighth, as the group leader has probably
already claimed both of these. And if he hasn't, then he'll probably be upset that
he has forgotten to include them in his lineage of previous incarnations. It is much
safer to opt for "memories" of an existence as an advisor, astrologer,
or valet to a monarch or famous person, as historical records will not necessarily
disprove the names and events of this lifetime that you suddenly recall.
If you have survived the evening so far, your last test will be the supper. Under
no circumstances should you eat anything other than vegetarian food (i.e. fruits,
nuts, vegetables, or any cooked combination of these that invariably tastes like
warm, wet cardboard), or your plans for acceptance will be sunk quicker than Atlantis
was. As you depart, make sure that you hug everyone at least once, and be sure to
offer deep and meaningful words of inspiration - such as "keep smiling"
- to every person at least twice.
If you have come up with the right sort
of platitudes for everyone and if everything else has gone well, you will probably
hear your girlfriend telling her friends that you are indeed her soulmate, and you
will already be looking forward to the next gathering of these salubrious spirituality
seekers.Good luck - or as the New Agers say - May the Great Spirit be with you!
R U a Redneck Pagan?
Ya know, with so many city folk moving to the country, and the old ways
reading into every corner of America, can it be too long before EVERY segment of
American society is represented in the Pagan community? Will
we someday see REDNECK
PAGANS???
Here are some signs that you, yourself, may be a redneck Pagan...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
If
your ceremonial garb consists of cut-offs and a tube top,
Or if you think
a "family tradition" is a dating club...
If you've reached the 3rd
degree but not the 3rd grade,
Or if your coven's secret names for the God
and Goddess are "Cooter" and "Sweet Cheeks".....
You may
be a redneck Pagan.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
If
your ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it...
If chewing tobacco
is considered a sacred herb...
If your circle dance includes the words "dosey-do",
Or
if your altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne's star on the Hollywood "Walk
Of Fame".....
You may be a redneck Pagan.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now
if your coven chose it's High Priest at a belching contest,
Or if they chose
their High Priestess at a wet t-shirt night...
If your annointing oil smells
like "Old Spice"...
And if you have ever refilled your chalice from
a keg...
You may be a redneck Pagan.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
If
your Goddess picture says "Miss September" at the bottom,
Or your
God statue looks a little too much like Elvis Presley...
If you have ever
written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu...
Or if you have ever cancelled
a coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-View wrestling on TV...
You may be a redneck
Pagan.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
If
your children and your dog have the same magical name (Skeeter! Get on over here
and cast this circle!)...
If your cakes and ale consist of moonpies and a
cold "Bud"...
Or if your coven sword says "Power Rangers"
on it...
You may be a redneck Pagan!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
If
your Book Of Shadows has a picture of Kyle Petty or Dale Earnhart on it....
If
your divination kit consists of a picture of Dionne Warwick and a 1-900 number...
Or
if your idea of a pilgrimage to a sacred circle is going to the Indy 500....
You're
probably a redneck Pagan!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now
if your ceremonial head-dress has a bill and says "Chevrolet" on it,
Or
if your Sabbat Queen's head-dress is made out of those little nylon flowers the veterans
hand out in front of the supermarket...
You're probably a redneck Pagan.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
If
you chose "Jim Bob" or "Stormin Normin" as a magickal name...
If
you think charging is done with a Master Card...
Or if your Balefire says
"Coleman" on it...
You might be.........
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now,
if your covenstead says "Winnebago" on the side, you're NOT neccesarily
a redneck Pagan, but if your covenstead's up on blocks,
well......
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now
if you Goddess visualizations look too much like Pamela Anderson.....
Or if
your initiatory ordeal consisted of being blind-folded with a confederate flag and
leg-wrestling...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
If
your idea of a Pagan festival consists of a tailgate party and tickets to the superbowl...
Or
if your ceremonial chants are by Garth Brooks...
You're probably a redneck
Pagan!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
If
your coven's guided meditations start out with a burger at "Hooter's",
or
if you think a "Gerald Gardner" is farm equipment...
You are definately
a redneck Pagan!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
And
finally, if you have ever called the National Enquirer because you raised a potato
that resembled the Willendorf Goddess,
Or if you have EVER worked love magick
on livestock......
...AND FAILED....
You are definately a Redneck Pagan!
10 ways to anger a pagan....
2.Be considerate, rearrange their
altar so it will look neat.
3.Blow out their altar candle if it is still day
light. (No need to waste a good candle!)
4.Pick up their gems for a closer look.
5.Sharpen their dull black-handled knife.
6.Witness to them about the "true
religion".
7.Untie the knots in their cord.
8.Take hold of their jewelry
for a closer look.
9.Play card games with their Tarot cards.
10.Ask them
if they are Satan worshippers.
Circle Etiquette
* Never put asafoetida on the rocks in the sweat lodge
* Do not blow your nose on the sleeve of your neighbor's robe during an
initiation.
* Do not attempt to walk more than 10 paces while wearing all of your
ritual jewelry, dream bags and crystals at
the same time.
* When proposing to initiate someone, do not mention the Great Rite, leer,
and say, "Hey, your trad or mine?"
* Never laugh at someone skyclad. They can see you, too.
* Never, *ever* set the witch on fire.
* Avoid stenciling True Names on underwear and personal effects
* Looking at nifty pictures is not a valid path to mastering the ancient
grimoires. Please read thoroughly and
carefully from beginning to end so that your madness and gibberings will
make some sense.
* A good grasp of ritual and ritual techniques are essential. In the event
of a random impaling (see next rule) or
other accidental death amongst the participants a quick thinker can
improvise to ensure successful completion.
* Make them another sacrifice. Demons like those.
* Watch where you wave the sharp pointy bits.
* Avoid walking through disembodied spirits.
* Carry an all purpose translators dictionary in case the ritual leader
begins talking in some strange and
unknown foreign language.
* Avoid joining your life force to anything with glowing red eyes.
* If asked to sign a contract or pact and you are experiencing doubts or
reservations, sign your neighbors name.
Malevolent entities rarely check for proper spelling.
* Blood IS thicker than water. Soak ritual garments an extra 30-45 minutes.
* While drunken weaving may be mistaken for ecstatic dancing, slurring the
names of the Dark Lords is generally
considered bad form.
* If the ritual leader should ask for a volunteer, resist the urge to raise
your hand. While volunteering will likely
gain you stature and prestige amongst the group allowing you to advance
quickly through the ranks, it is equally
likely to get you strapped to a table and eaten alive by a drooling demonic
horde.
Letter to Dr Laura....
View Our Guestbook
Email us at kimandq@caliph.net.au
MENU
Home Page.
About the Temple of the Sacred Spiral.
About Us.
Aboriginal lore.
Articles.
Bibliography.
Corresp Tables.
Crafts.
Creeds.
Crete.
Crystals, Gems and Metals, etc.
Divination, Tarot and Runes.
Events.
Herbs, etc.
Links.
Meditations.
PaganFAQ.
Pagan Humour.
Pagans in Qld Media.
Rituals.
Sabbats.
The Sanctuary.
Songs.
Spells.
Syllabus.
What's New.
Witches' Kitchen.
E-mail us.
since 15th July 1997.
