Special edition

Written  by Frank H. Lefstad

LAST and LEAST… NOT at LEAST

(a three feet long summer)

"This is a love-story"

Dedicated to the memory

of

Frank Zappa b. Baltimore, Md., Dec. 21, 1940, d. Dec. 4, 1993

and to the memory of my brother John Gustav b. Mar. 21, 1953, d. Nov. 4, 1993 which was found dead in bed the same day FZ died.

[ - I wanna be dead in bed, please kill me, 'cause that would thrill me - ]

The

Adventures of

I ain’t blue no more

oh, oh

Like heaven I said, I said

mm, hmm, hmm, hmmm

(Blow - suck)

Louie sang the last words of a little hymn called "Kandy Korn", from an old (probably the first) album by Captain Beefheart named Strictly Personal, before he curled up in the hay, and fell asleep like a marmot. The hay was the bed only Laffen had slept in since he was signet. - A king with no crown. In Nidarosdomen, Louie said feebly. - I ought to take a trip over there. Just too look.

Louie was awful talking in his sleep He even sang in his most profound sleep. He was not aware of it, until he began to spend the night with an unknown number of women, that woke up from the noise Louie made in the silent hour of the night.

So, Louie had hooked up two tape recorders, and two three hour tapes, that started on turn. He had often recorded himself for many years now.

So, he had plans to release an album when the time was right. Louie himself was really impressed by his skills, but after a number of refunds, he had lost courage. - They don’t know what they are missing, he said, when the topic was up.

Louie's dreamy song.

God Just Died on us yesterday

And I Just Passed Away On Tomorrow

You Must Have Owed Me A Lot

I Had Nothing More To Borrow

But A Six-pack Of Sorrow

You Know -

God Just Died On Us Yesterday

He Had Nothing More To Say

To us

He Just Passed Away On Us

He Took The Bus With Justin

And The Rest Of Us

just in case

You Know -

Justin Case

And The Rest Of Us

On The Greyhound Bus

Heading For Las Vegas

To Rob A Bank

Wearing Masks

And Stuff

(uh … hawk …)

The believers had no faith

So You just kissed the Never Mind People

Goodbye

Fade away and die …

Captain onboard the censorship

Fade away and die …

The fake poet

Tell me another lie …

(Snort … snore …)

I'm a band-leader

The next morning, Louie stood up and found one of the countless showers that was installed in Stiftsgården. It was about time to take a proper wash, he was thinking. It was a long time since he had taken a thorough bodily cleanup. It was no matter of necessity concerning Louie. His body was roughly self-cleansing. But he liked this form of sacred deed, as he often took a shower in company with Billie, that he mostly went steady with, before he left Ireland.

Louie had seldom the opportunity to cuddle with Billie’s tits during the sex act. Only if she bent forwards in the act of love, he was quick to knead her small, firm tits.

A few days later, Louie lost his way, and ended up at Leütenhaven bus-terminal. A couple of buses was standing there. He read above the windscreen where they were heading. O-R-K-A-N-G-E-R It said on one of the buses.

Louie had a logic way of thinking, and translated easily to Arkangelsk. The city under the Archangel’s wings. Where was it located? He wondered, and scratched the beard. Was it maybe the Soviet-Union. Yes! Now he remembered that Norway bordered on Soviet. He entered the central to interrogate about his new country. Louie got in line in front of the wicket. - When is the bus to Arkangelsk going? The man in the window wicket looked up, but did not see anyone. He became absorbed in the magazine he was reading, again.

Louie took a grab on the wicket, and climbed up. The man in the wicket looked up from the magazine with a frightened face, when he caught the sight of the strange creature. - Orkanger? Yes, it leaves in ten minutes.

- Do I need a visa, and how far is it? Louie asked. - What do you need a visa for? You’re just going to Orkanger The bus arrives within the hour, the man said.

Gorbie! Louie thought. Glasnost and Perestrojka. He ain’t dumb, that guy. - Yippee! He let go of the grip. He asked the man in the wicket, if there were any sights over there. - They have just opened a Zoo there, the man said. - Good, Louie said, and bordered the bus. When the bus-driver came to call the collect, Louie said, - Set me off by the animal farm. He looked forward to see all the animals, like a kid. He had never been to a Zoo before in his long everlasting life.

Towards the end of the trip, the bus stopped right outside the Zoo. - Orkdal Zoological Gardens, shouted the chauffeur. Lousy pronounce they got on this place, Louie thought. But they are just Norwegians.

He had to fork out to get inside the Zoo. Louie stopped and smelled the strange odors that hit him on the nose. He flared his nostrils, and took a deep breath. This is going to be exciting, he thought, and moved further into the garden. Louie wasn’t consistent according to watching the TV, and he had not seen too many animal life programs. It was at the time TV came, he could sit all night long in front of the Television set. But he tired eventually. Now he almost never watched the TV.

It was like he had arrived in to a completely new world, he thought, and burped. This mixture of straw and droppings and fodder and stuff, and the smell the animals excreted, made him dizzy. The Pad padded further on. Suddenly Louie stopped, and turned his nostrils inside out. What was that smell he had got the scent of? - Heat! Said Louie, pretty ascertain. He neighed. But where did the fragrance come from? He put his nose out in a three hundred and sixty degrees spin, and found the direction. The smell got stronger little by little, as he came closer to the source. The smell became a harsh stench, and Louie went almost berserk. And there he saw the animal in heat. Never in his long life had Louie felt such a strong smell. The animal stood in proportion to the smell. It was the biggest beast he had seen in his whole life. It must have been twelve feet tall, and weigh several tons. It faced its ass to him. He could see the heat-fluid drip from its sex organ.

Louie was beyond reason, and with a hard-on as big as a cheap motel, he began to climb over the sturdy fence. At the same moment, the beast turned. Louie stopped dead, and let go of the grip in pure fright. He sat on the ground, staring. The beast had the biggest cock in the world, Louie thought. And that on the same place as himself. In the middle of the face.

It wasn’t easy to climb over the fence, and the hard-on didn’t make it easier, either. But Louie came over.

The beast had watched Louie’s strive to climb the fence, and looked at the droll, little fellow with skepticism, as Louie came stumbling towards itself. The beast lifted the gigantic bat in the air, and uttered a formidable bellow. But Louie misunderstood. He thought it was a "welcome, old friend", and said, - Cobe od, by girl… by big boy?

The beast had no fear at all for the little Pixie, but it was hard to deal with when it was in heat. So it repeated the same denunciatory movement with its cock, which Louie once again misunderstood.

- Yes, yes, take it easy, I ab comig.

It started to rain. He climbed up on a tree-log, which he assumed had the appropriate height to obtain copulation with the gray beast. The beast scowled at Louie. And he allured, - Cobe od, baby, cobe, cobe. Cobe to Louie! Does she take the stick? I wonder, Louie thought. And response he got.

- Eeeuuuuuu. Oh! God. What big teeth you got! Was all he managed to say, before the beast came jumping at him.

Fortunately the gray beast stopped, and came carefully with the dick. Sensitively and searching. - You breath with the dick, he said, and the beast swung it in the air, and roared so that Louie almost fell off the log.

At Louie’s biggest surprise, the giant beast turned its ass to him. Louie lifted the abdominal section floppy skin flaps. He was quick to put it in. He felt it was room to move in there, and started to pump blood in the already blood-filled sex organ. Little by little Louie’s face became more and more red. He took a breathing break, before he continued. Soon Louie got purple, later green, till he got all gray in the mask, and fainted. The three feet long dinger, slowly glided out of the beast. Louie fell on the ground.

While Louie had got his most original sex act in his life, since he fucked the shame into a scabby fox, down in Ireland, he and the beast had got spectators. Soon a crowd was gathered outside the fence, in intense discussion over the seance. One and all was certain about that it must have been an elephant birth. They believed the baby elephant had come with the feet first, and that it had problems getting the trunk out. One and all agreed, too, that the infant was stillborn, when the elephant mother gave up a disappointed trumpet blast, and trampled away from Louie. One and all agreed that it was a strange baby, that probably was a disfigured monstrosity, and it was probably for the best that it ended this way, after all. The rain poured down. The sky cracked down angry. Thunder and lightning rips the sky, ravaging black clouds up there. People ran to find shelter.

Two of the keepers at the Zoo, and a gardener, came in a hurry to the elephant yard, when they heard about the sensational event. None of the people which had to do with the elephant, had any idea that the elephant was pregnant when they got it to the Zoo, just a few months earlier.

A circus owned the elephant whom had become ill. Therefore a deal had been made with Orkdal Zoological Gardens, which involved the Zoo to find out what was wrong with the elephant, and treat it at the best ability.

The elephant was now cured, and was just waiting for the circus to pick it up.

The three guys approached precautionary the stillborn elephant baby. - What in the innermost spruce forest is this! The gardener broke out. Louie’s dingdong was still a half dangler, and could be mistaken for being a trunk.

The rain had made him properly wet and dirty.

- Oh! Great Lord and Master of the universe, the gardener broke out, once more. - Look at the fur! It must be a mutated baby. It’s a … it’s a mammoth. An albino mammoth!

The three musketeers, approached Louie with great eager. Louie lied there in the dirt, passed out from pumping most of his blood into his dinger.

- Is it dead? Look if it’s alive. Anyway, this is the sensation of the year. Think about the situation, guys. "Elephant Baby born at Orkdal Zoological Gardens". Think about the headlines in the newspaper tomorrow! "Elephant gave birth to mammoth!".

- Cut the crap, dude, said one of the Zoo keepers, and walked all the way up to Louie. Louie laid on the back, with the head turned to one side. The foreskin covered most of the dick-head, so that the half a meter long dick, became a trunk in the Three Musketeers eyes.

- I think it’s dead, the Zoo Keeper said, and bent down to examine the infant closer. - Damn! It must be deformed. But it is still living. Jesus! It’s alive. It’s alive! It is probably exhausted from a long, hard birth. He is very small, too. It’s possibly born premature. We better get it inside.

The gardener, and the other Zoo keeper, lifted Louie up, and carried him to a room, that functioned as an operating room for the animals at the Zoo. They placed him carefully down on an operating table. The gardener ran out, and returned before the other two even noticed he was gone. The gardener had a camera between two big and strong hands. With trembling fists, he put film in the camera, and, snap, snap, he captured and immortalized Louie from the most complex angles. - This is for the paper, the gardener said, while he snapped away.

- Apart from the trunk, it looks little or nothing of an elephant baby, don’t you think, George, said Zoo keeper 2 to Zoo keeper 1.

- Yes, it’s a human character over it, George said. - Look at the front feet. They look like hands. And this looks by God like a stocking cap, he said, and touched the tassel carefully.

As the guys explored the odd elephant baby, Louie started to wake up to live again.

He moved a finger. He waved his toes. He grunted weak.

- Hey, it comes around. The gardener cheered. It was written GARDENER JORGENSEN, with big white letters all over the back on the green overalls he was wearing. A dressmaker had designed the overalls especially for him. A dozen overalls of the same design, hang in his wardrobe.

Louie grunted one more time, and touched his forehead. - Oh! Oh! Gee, what happened?

- It speaks! He speaks! Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Now I have seen it all. A talking mammoth, yodeled GARDENER JORGENSEN.

- This was without doubt the biggest pussy I have had the honor to screw in my life, mumbled Louie, and opened his eyes, and looked bewildered around.

- Where am I?

- You are in Norway, Sir, George ceremoniously informed.

- Oh, shit! Yes, sure. Now I remember, Louie recollected.

- Now he speaks Norwegian, too, said GARDENER JORGENSEN, and understood even less. - First now I don’t understand anything, he realized, GARDENER JORGENSEN.

GARDENER JORGENSEN continued his quiz, - What in holy the virgin Mary’s name, is this? Who are you? Where do you come from? And what are you doing here? How can you speak, when you are a new-born baby, GARDENER JORGENSEN asked.

- Take it easy, now. Just let this … ugh, creature get the opportunity to recover, before you bomb him, George said.

- Let’s just let him take a rest, for a while, said Hans, often called Lazy-Hans, because of his sad effort concerning physical initiative. This type of work was definitely not his cup of tea. But since his father was the general manager of the Zoo, and was of the opinion that the best way to become something, was: " - From the bottom and up! It’s only one way". This way, Lazy-Hans had to go through purgatory, as Lazy-Hans preferred to call this apprenticeship.

GARDENER JORGENSEN followed grudging out for a cup of coffee, and a confidential chat about what they should do, concerning the creature. GARDENER JORGENSEN’s dreams which had just arisen during this "birth", broke into a thousand pieces in less than a minute, as first as last he, didn’t understand a thing. Neither did George or Lazy-Hans, in their red overalls.

When the Three Musketeers vanished out the door, Louie took the slowly shrinking penis in a closer look, and wondered if it ever would go back to its original size. It was still annoyingly big, was Louie’s opinion, where it dangled at the point of the chin. But his mind was set to more important things right now. How should he get away, from this place?

And it before these quiz-dudes returned. Louie went over to the window, opened it, and climbed out. So far, so good. He went sneaking along building walls, under bushes, over fences, and was eventually unseen outside the Zoo.

To Louie’s greatest rejoice, the bus back to town came five minutes later. He covered his nose the best he could, when he boarded the bus.

When Louie finally got indoors, in Stiftsgården, he was pretty exhausted, and climbed into a chair. He decided to never set his foot inside a Zoo any more.

Two days later, Louie’s penis came to its normal size. The day before, he had got back his walking stick, whom he had left at the Zoo, by performing some great magic. GARDENER JORGENSEN had taken charge of the walking stick.

Louie sat by the window, watching the traffic. People hurrying back and forth. He had lit the pipe, and sipped the beer. All the stressful people, Louie thought. Suddenly he got his eyes on Rita. He said, - Strike the poem, and waved his magic posture, and opened the prophesy of Captain Beefheart’s old hymn:

- Debra Cadabra, say she’s a witch.

Rita whom walked unsuspectingly with her own baffling brainwork, disappeared from the street, and all of a sudden inside Stiftsgården, along with Louie. This transfer Rita involuntarily was involved in, made it so that she did not react straight away. She just carried on, till she stumbled into a chair, and fell over in it. Rita looked bewildered around at the room she suddenly found herself in. Poor, little big Rita, Louie thought.

She became terror-stricken now. She could not make a sound. Her mind buzzed like a confused fly. Rita heard the fly buzz. Louie remained in the chair, and admired the catch of the day, for a while. If he had taken the time to look out the window, he would have seen many people that stopped, and looked puzzled around, after the disappearing act. Rita walked  seldom unnoticed round about in the streets.

Louie found the time sensible to announce his presence.

- Here, he said. Here I am. Here we are. He waved the cane.

- What… what… ha - happened? Rita asked, was if possible, even more confused than ever.

- I knew it! Louie said.

- Knew what? Rita asked.

- That you are special. You are quite unique.

- What’s so special unique with me, then? She started to cry. Louie did not seem to bother the least about Rita’s crying scene.

- I knew it, I knew it. He clapped hands, and jumped down from the chair.

- What has happened, cried Rita. - What has happened? What has happened?

- Just some simple magic, he said, and walked towards her. - Just some God-fucking simple magic, Rita. It is exceedingly easy. And you have the skills to learn.

Rita sat with her head in her hands. She said, - What is it that has taken place, here? Can you please answer me that, Louie?

- It is probably a rotten way to do it this way, but I just had to see you again. I just said a little magic rigmarole. Louie explained.

- Just like that? You just recite a magic rigmarole, and whoops, and I am here? What is a rigmarole, Louie? And where are we anyway? Rita asked, and lifted her head. She looked at Louie. She wiped her nose on the sleeve. She dried her eyes with the other sleeve.

She looked at Louie, again.

- Where are we?

- Isn’t it Stiftsgården it’s called, Louie said, and laughed a bit.

- Stiftsgården?

- Yes Ma’am!

- Damn, I was on my way to the square, Rita said. - I was gonna meet a friend there. You know, it is Trom’s funeral Friday. Fuck! You can do magic, man! Is it true everything you jabbered about, the first time we met?

- It was mostly credible stuff, he said, and took Rita’s hands in his hands.

She started to cry again. Louie stroke her raven-black hair, and kissed her on the nose, with his black lips.

- You’ve got bad breath, she said. - Like the dog next door. I mean, when you said you were an Irish Pixie, and all that. You are not from out there, are you? Rita said, and pointed out the window, and up at the vault of heaven, past the sun, and farther out, beyond our galaxy, and way, way, way, out there, to a remote planet, where all the little Louie-look-alike aliens running back and forth, talking, singing, dancing, preparing the UFO for takeoff clearance.

- No, hell! I am not an alien, if it’s that what you mean. I am no ALF.

Rita calmed down a little, and broke a vague smile.

- There is one thing I got to tell you, he said. - You wouldn’t like it, not to begin with, anyway. Until you get used to it. Damn! Haven’t you noticed that you are special. Very special.

- Get to the point, now. Special and special. Everyone feels they are something, I guess. Tell me what is so special about me. Tell me!

- You are… you are… you are a witch! Said Louie, and waited anxious for the reaction.

At first Rita became speechless. Then she started to laugh.

- You are the funniest person I have ever met in my life, she said, and broke out in laughter again.

- Witch! I am a witch. Watch yourself! I’m coming to get you, she said, and turned fingers into claws. The red nail-polish, and the mascara smeared outside her eyes, made the seance perfect, Louie thought.

- Yes, you’re a witch. You are a full-blooded witch.

- Fuck! I believe you are serious. Rita said, and became serious.

- Sure. Of course. You got witches brew in your belly.

I felt it the moment I saw you. Damn it! I got skills I am completely aware of, and I take advantage of it from time to time. Your aura is very strong. I felt you long before I saw you. Aura as strong as the beast I met the other day.

What beast? Rita wondered. For the second time she became curious of this odd person.

Louie told willingly about the big beast. - It was as big as the European Union, he said. - And I had to fuck the EU. People don't know what EU is about. When all of Europe is one, and everyone is friends, then hell will break out. Have they not read the Holy Bible? Norway may prevent this world to go under, by staying on the outside. Louie got carried away. Rita had to get him back on track.

She eventually realized the beast must have been an elephant. She said so: - I believe it must have been an elephant you tried to fuck. And she laughed again.

- You are crazy, she could say. And later, - You are pretty nuts. And, - You're one of a kind. And he said; - I sure am.

They were to become good friends, Louie and Rita. Rita and Louie. Very good friends. - Walk with me, said Louie. And Rita walked with him.

In time, Rita accepted that she might as well could be a witch, when Louie said so. Rita began in school at Louie’s Royal residence. He lead Rita into the world of witchcraft and blue magic. He taught her the most profound matters. Some of the sorcery, he was not particular efficient to perform himself.

For example, he had practiced in becoming invisible, when he wanted to. Only once he had succeeded with it. At that time, he was invisible for more than one hour. - It can be absolutely great to become completely invisible once in a while, he said. And then they laughed.

- But it must never be misused, Louie said in a warningly tone.

- Twin Peaks, said Louie, the first time he saw Rita tits.

Since then, he said Twin Peaks every time she revealed her tits .

He baptized her tits in the bathtub one morning they took a dive.

He said: - In Louis Thi Lepered Condign’s name, I baptize thee Twin Peaks. And then he pushed Rita into the water, and Rita burst out in a merry laugh.

Next he had to explain to Rita about his birth-name and etymology.

- But why do you call yourself Lepreconde, when you are a Pixie? Asked Rita.

- It is quite logical, because Lepered Condign sounds a little like Lepreconde, and most people don’t know the difference between a Pixie and a Leprechaun. If the ever saw one. It is not funny being born to a name like "born Lepered as bloody well-deserved". Especially when the prophesy failed.

The "woodpecker" was Louie’s favorite, with many variations. When Rita wanted to ride the cock horse, he said; - OK, let’s take a "Sitting Bull". The "Leapfrog" required so much of the opposite party, that he was only able to perform once every leap year. - Every leap year. It rhymes. I ought to make a limerick of it, he could say. - Good old Limerick!

- Did you know a was a nymphomaniac, too, Louie? Rita asked, after an intense hour of love. - I bet you read it in my eyes, she added.

- Quite right, quite right. He said. - You are a quick learner. Yes, I saw it in your eyes, Rita. Nymphs has a special radiation in their eyes, which is not to be mistaken. These things you learn little by little.

One night when Rita and Louie was "on the town", like they often were, Louie was talking straight from the liver, as usual. He sat there talking about a sensitive subject as religion, for a change. He had changed his mind concerning the afterlife. He spoke big-time about the other side of the universe, that life on earth was just the beginning of the great being, in one with "The Supreme Being", when a guy, sitting by the neighbor table, a huge, magniloquent, shaggy dude, with an adult pub-muscle, became so pissed off by Louie’s bullshit, that he had to intervene. He said: - Hey, Fuckface! What the fuck are you trying to prove?

Shining in his English knowledge. As drunk as a trønder can get. Louie became stiff as a poker, and started on his retreat, by climbing down from the highchair. - Bad camping, bad, bad, Louie mumbled. - What have I got into now? In time, as he had visited mostly all the places he could take a beer, and preferably something to eat, he often had his regular spot, including highchair. It became a sort of trademark.

- Shut up, bitch! And rose from the chair. - Take it easy, now, Louie tried, and took a gulp beer inadvertently.

- Cut it out, now, Rita said admonitory. The bogeyman punched his fist at Louie. Louie curled up, and the bogeyman hit the stocking cap, so it flew across the room, and landed on a table.

Rita was quick as a weasel, and beat her fist in the bogeyman’s belly. He collapsed, and she rammed her knee in his face. The bogeyman staggered backwards, and in the fall, he knocked down a chair, another person was sitting on. He got up on his feet, and wiped blood, running from his broken nose. The "beast" in Rita came awake in full speed. She executed hits and kicks, she never believed was possible. She had never laid a hand on another person in her life.

Charva

Rita literally hit him out of the doors. And before anyone managed to see the end of the beating, she had spirited the bogeyman away. The phosphorescence sparkled in her eyes, when she sat down. She rubbed her sore fists, and took a well-earned beer Louie had ordered in the meantime. Her hand was shaking.

Louie was directly impressed over Rita. He said: - Witches brew. And said no more concerning that matter. Instead he invited to a sing-along. It was no ordinary form of sing-along. It was more like humming, rambling, drivel, and hatcha.

- Mmmmmmm, Mmmmmmm alala, started Louie, and got quickly response.

- Mmmmmmm - alalalaaa, the choir repeated. Louie stopped, and said: - Men only. Ladies just keep quiet. Rita laughed.

- Aaaaamamamammaama Louie tuned in.

- Aaaaaamamamammamaaa, the male choir chimed in.

- Kattsjakatanka, Louie lured.

- Kattsjakatankaaa, echoed the male choir.

- Iiiffilitsji, Louie howled.

- Iiiffiiliiitsjiii, the choir howled.

- Hookisooki, Louie trolled.

- Hoookiiisoookiiii. Roared the choir.

- Lemisemilaa, Louie chanted.

- Leemiisemiilaaa, the choir chanted.

- That’s good, said Louie.

- Thaat’s goood, sang the choir.

- Great thing, Louie sang.

- Great thiing, the choir sang

- OK, OK, hold it, hold it, said Louie.

- Oh key, ooh key, hoold it hoold it, the choir sang.

Louie threw himself overboard. He was back in Ireland. It got beyond expectation.

- It’s a kind-a la-la-la, Louie driveled.

- Itsaa kindaa la-la-la-laaaaa, resounded the male choir.

- Old woman with the stick, high in the mountain thick, eight and nine and ten… sang Louie.

- Oold wooman with the stiick, high in the mountaain thick, eight and nine and ten, the choir sang.

Just like that they kept on for half an hour, and it ebbed away with that everyone was sitting splashing beer on each other.

Rita clapped hands with the rest of the pub.

Late at night, the two of them walked on home.

- Your place or mine? Louie asked. - Yours, Rita answered. And they spirited away into Stiftsgården.

It was no necessity to seduce Rita, but Louie was so proud of her, that he had to praise her. - You must be the most beautiful women on this earth. You have got the perfect anatomy.

- Hold on, now, Rita protested. - I look like a Swedish cow.

Look at my legs, they are much too long, she said, and stretched her legs towards the ceiling. They laid in the King bed. - My feet are too big, too. She waved her toes. I use size 8 ½. And my upper part of the body is almost not there, she said, and patted her belly.

Louie had to laugh. He had got so much respect for Rita, that he refrained from alleging anything else, even though he still meant what he just said.

- It must be a red Indian in you, said Louie.

- Quarter Yokuts, Rita answered quickly.

- Is it true? He asked, surprised.

- Have I ever lied to you? She asked. - Tell, he said. And Rita told him all she knew about her ancestors.

That her great-great-grandfather was not a famous chief, whom had fallen in a battle against the white man. Her great-grandfather on the other hand, was suffering under king alcohol. - Grandpa I have never seen, either, Rita said, with a disillusioned expression over her full, unpainted red lips.

- He died the same day I was born.

- At the same moment. I knew it, Louie bursts out discreetly.

- He drowned when he stumbled in an attempt to catch a duck with his bare hands. He probably hit his head on a rock, and lost his conscious, for then to drown in the swamp. They caught birds by setting out replicas of ducks, which made the real ducks to sit down nearby. He wanted to relive life as it used to be, said Rita.

- How did you end up in Norway, of all places? Louie asked.

- How did you end up in Norway, of all places? Rita asked.

- It’s your turn, now, said Louie.

Rita carried on:

- My mother had half of her relatives in Norway, and spoke often about this beautiful country, with its mountains and fjords, and the clean air. And when daddy took mama’s life away, I took the first plane to the promised land. My aunt came over and took me to Norway. I was six. Daddy was a heavy drinker, she said.

- He was half Indian, half white.

- I see, he said, and crawled farther up on her shoulder. He looked at her hair, and discovered a red hair between the black. - I see a red hair, he said.

- You do? Well, my mother was a redhead, she said.

Rita was a heavy sleeper, and almost never woke up of Louie’s talking and singing.

- We are created for each other, he could say. And Rita chuckled.

Rita loved Louie. - You are my little cuddly bear, she always said.

- Where did he go, the dude you beat up? Louie asked Rita the morning after.

- I have no idea, she said. - I had to spirit him away, and I have no idea where he ended up.

- Damn, Louie said, - you gotta be very careful. What if somebody saw it.

- No fear, Rita replied, - The guy was totally unconscious, and there was not a living soul in the vicinity . I am sure of it.

Louie settled down with it, and criticized Rita no more after the competent answer. He trusted completely her ability to take decisions on her own.

The next day, Rita read in the newspaper that a roughed up man was observed on the roof of Trondheim square. The man had been taken care of by the police, and he could, according to the police statement, not explain his appearance on the square roof. The poor man had a blackout. Something he alleged he often had after a drinking event, the bogeyman explained in a confusing interrogation.

In the same paper, was a strange little headline:

Talking mammoth born in Orkanger?

There was a little picture of Louie. It showed Louie from the side, with the trunk hanging down to the floor.

- It is the worst I have seen, he said, and crawled into Rita’s lap, and read, too.

Under the headline, it said amongst others: A mentally deranged man came up to the editors office, and told a confusing story about an elephant that had delivered a mammoth… a talking mammoth…

One thing Louie and Rita never acquired knowledge of, not that it at all would interest them insignificant, was that; GARDENER JORGENSEN ended up, because of this event, in a sanitarium, and should be declared insane. He should never be discharged from the asylum for as long as he lived. The cane he should use as evidence, in addition to the pictures, and which he wondered very much about the connection the walking stick had with the mammoth, had suddenly disappeared out of his hands, when he held it up in the air as a trophy, in his detached house. It put a full stop of GARDENER JORGENSEN’s mental health. But from this magic spell, Louie got back his magic-wand-walking-stick.

Early one morning, Louie woke up, and discovered Rita hanging in mid air over the bed. At first he believed he was still asleep, and rubbed his eyes.

During the levitation, Rita started to talk. In English. She chanted poems she had learned as a child. She chanted poems she had not learned as a child, too.

- Do you see me!...

Do you all help me!

My words are tied in one

With the great mountains,

With the great rocks,

With the great trees,

In one with my body

And my heart.

Do you all help me

With supernatural power,

And you, day,

And you, night!

All of you see me

One with this world!

Pause

In the house of long life,

there I wander.

In the house of happiness,

there I wander.

Beauty before me,

with it I wander.

Beauty behind me,

with it I wander.

Beauty below me,

with it I wander.

Beauty above me,

with it I wander.

Beauty all around me,

with it I wander.

In old age traveling,

with it I wander.

On the beautiful trail I am,

with it I wander.

short break

- Pleasant it looked,

This newly created world.

Along with the entire length and breadth

Of the earth, our grandmother,

Extended the green reflection

Of her covering

And the escaping odors

Were pleasant to inhale.

Rita took deep breaths

Her voice went into metallic blue

The lands around my dwelling

Are more beautiful

From the day

When it is given me to see

Faces I have never seen before.

All is more beautiful,

All is more beautiful,

And life is thankfulness.

These guests of mine

Make my house grand.

Pause

You see,

I stand

in good relation

to all that is

beautiful

You see,

I stand

in good relation

to you

- That's really true. Wonderful, wonderful., whispered Louie.

Rita ended the seance with:

- When the last red man shall have

perished, and the memory

of my tribe

shall have become a myth

among the white men,

these shores will swarm

with the invisible dead

of my tribe...

they will throng with the returning hosts

that once filled and still love

this beautiful land.

The white man will never be alone.

Let him be just and deal kindly

with my people,

for the dead

are not powerless.

Dead, did I say?

There is no death,

only a change of worlds.

Rita was breathing heavily now.

- I shall vanish and be no more,

But the land over which I now roam

Shall remain

And change not.

Slowly the levitation decreased. She came down slowly as the sunset, on the bed.

Louie did not speak for a while. He got up and put on the coffee. - You levitate better than me, he said to himself. - It was the most beautiful poems I have ever heard, even when some of the predictions failed.

Later he put the coffee-pot, two cups, and a dish with cookies on a tray, and carried it up to the sleeping accommodation. Rita slept soundly on the bed. Louie crawled into the bed, and pulled her hair gently. She grunted something uncomprehending. He pinched her carefully on Twin Peaks. She opened her eyes, and looked into Louie’s eyes. She smiled, and stretched her body, that was even too long, and too short at the same time.

- Do you feel like a cup of coffee? He asked.

- Yes, thank you.

Louie climbed down from the bed, and picked up the tray. He pushed it into the king bed. and said;

- Congratulations!

Rita wiped the sleep off her eyes, sat up, and said; - Why? It’s not my birthday, today.

- But it’s a fine day, he said. - It seems to be a fine day, anyway.

- It has had a good start, it sure has, said Rita, and smiled. - It is not often I get coffee on the bed. She smiled again. He poured the coffee, and bid her cookies. She took a biscuit. She dipped it in the coffee cup.

Louie had to bring forward a confession to Rita. But he did not know how to place the words.

Rita got out of bed, and disappeared into the bathroom, as naked as the day she was born.

She came back, and slipped between the sheets.

- Yo, Rita, he said, and sipped the coffee. - I have something I just have to tell you. Rita just looked at him. She had got used to that he "just had to tell her something". She had got used to his elements of surprise.

- Winter will come soon, he started.

- Winter? It is midsummer, yet. Well, late summer, anyway. What do you mean? said Rita.

- Damn, I… you gotta understand, Rita.

Coffee break.

- Shit, I gotta say it in English. I can’t make it in Norwegian. I have forgotten the word. What I want to tell you, Rita, is that I must prepare for hibernation, when the first snow falls. I come from Hibernia, therefore I am a Hibernian, and therefore I must hibernate.

- Winter sleep? Said Rita. - Are you telling me that you must prepare to spend the winter sleeping?

- Yes, my dear, Rita, I must say I do, he said, and sighed.

- But… but.. do you have to do that, then? She asked.

- Yes, I am rather season depended.

- Can’t you just skip only one hibernation, huh, Louie?

- No, I haven’t tried it before. It is natural for me to go into hibernation, when the winter arrives. Spring is here before you know it, he said comforting.

Rita became frustrated. - What am I gonna do, then? I can’t stand having sex with a man, far away an insane dildo, after making love with you, Louie. Well, maybe a dildo, then.

- Young witch with the broom, fucks in the royal room, eight and nine and ten…, Louie started to sing. Rita slapped him on the ear, with a big "smack!".

- Be a little serious, for once in your life, Louie, she said. - Fuck it! I’m a nymphomaniac, you know. You are the best for me. You know that, too.

- It’s over in just a few short months, Louie said bewildered, and rubbed his red ear.

- I love you. I love you, my sweet, funny Louie. I love you so much, Rita said, hoping that it would alter the case.

While Rita chattered along, Louie remembered another rigmarole from Trondheim.

He just reflected on it:

Old woman. She was pretty poor

Made a cock of clay

Lubricated it with fish oil.

Indeed she got a baby on the floor

This I gotta do some more