The Galactic Standard and Times

Mt. Olympus, 1998. Father Zeus, President and Chairman of the Board of Galactic Olympian Deities, Incorporated (GOD, Inc.), announced at an unscheduled press conference at the Parthenon this morning that he had accepted "with a heavy heart" the resignation of Jesus of Nazareth as President and Chief Executive Officer (CEO) of planet Earth. "But," he added, "I am delighted to announce that Enlightened Revolutionary and U.S.A. Founding Father Dr. Benjamin Franklin has joined the Galactic team, and that he will be succeeding the Lord in that key post."

Jesus tenders resignation

Outgoing Head Jesus, Whose sacramental, Hands-on management style had burdened Him for nearly two-thousand years with micro-managing the affairs of Earth and with maintaining a daily presence there, could not be reached today for comment.

Said Zeus: "The Lord did the best job anybody could ask for — under the circumstances: those Earthlings are a mean-spirited bunch. But the Good Lord, bless Him — and I only wish He could be here to tell you this for Himself — wholly supports the Board’s assessment, and its decision, that for Earth the Time has Come. That it is long overdue for a fundamental change."

Asked if Jesus had a future at Galactic Inc., Zeus said:

"He’s agreed to hang in there as long as GOD, Inc. requires His Services. He’ll be on board as Executive V.P., nailing down our newly-created Office of Ethics Management, a totally new market for us. The Lord and I go back a long way: you could say, ‘to the very beginning.’ And I have no doubt — none — that we will continue to work together on problems of mutual interest until the very end. The Man is Irresistible," he added, killing a quick grin.

"But I assure you, ladies and gentlemen of the press: this time, the Lord will be advising the GOD Inc. Board; specifically, on how to make practical use of the Force generated by the Holy Trinity."

Asked what that meant: "Maybe we’ll build a couple of yuppie townhouses with it: Trinities," he quipped, "3-story townhouses," as usual, winning over the jaded press with his irreverent wit.

However, the no-nonsense Olympian suddenly turned grim and ended the historic press conference on a note that sent a chill through the press: "Before I leave you, let me make one thing perfectly clear: this restructuring — or whatever you want to call it — marks the end of the Christian Era. Two thousand years is quite enough. Effective this morning, I have accepted the Lord’s Resignation; though I do so with a heavy heart."

"He’s a damned good Man. Too good," he finished.

Hostile takeover of Earth thwarted

Swift action taken by GOD Inc. Board of Directors

On deep background, the Galactic Standard and Times — and, "off the record," president and CEO Zeus — has linked the swift action taken by the Galactic board to noises made by a group of "disgruntled Yahoos" to take Earth private in a leveraged buyout (LBO) for its breakup value.

[Reports just in from several High- ranking Biblical sources reveal that for some time there have been serious Dissenters in the Lord’s Camp: one group of Prophets and Evangelists have challenged Him about Holy Doctrine and about His policy — or His lack of one — on Sunday Worship.]

The final solution

Chairman Zeus, ignoring reporters' questions about television evangelists and dissenters in the Lord’s Camp — at this critical, historical moment — assured the press pool that he had "rejected out-of-hand as absurd" a bid from a management-led group of "cynical investors," headed by Titans and Old Testament Prophets, to buy Galactic Inc.’s solar subsidiary, Earth, "to liquidate it for its precious metal and mineral assets."

CEO Zeus assured the dead that he is — as he has been — "pledged to fight the sacrifice of four billion Earthlings with a global restructuring of the planet — and with fresh, rational leadership by Dr. Benj. Franklin."

"Benjamin has my undying support," said the Immortal. "He has hands-on experience in restructuring the affairs of nations. And I expect he will do the job that he was hired to do. THAT, OR HIS ASS WILL BE HANGING FROM A TREE, chuckled the Olympian, famous for having led the only successful revolt against Cronus, his father and one-time CEO of Time Inc.

Neoclassicists take control

Expanding on a question asked by The Darwinian Dispatch, Zeus confirmed reports — which he called "unofficial news leaks" — that the Executive Board had given Franklin what amounts to a blank check to build up Earth’s primary business, which he defined as "the moral, intellectual, and physical ascent of man."

The GOD Inc. CEO struck a bright note when he said that he had "high hopes" that Franklin’s plan — with its mandate to restructure the planet and maximize shareholder value — would "spark the interest" of Earth’s darkest critics.

On the Highest Authority, The Galactic Standard and Times learned today that the GOD Inc. Executive Board has unanimously approved The Philadelphia Project — as it has been code-named — which, unfortunately, was not available at press time. Reported one highly-placed, confidential source: "We’re confident that with Benjamin it’ll fly."

"I see a bright future," said The Great Olympian, "one in which the neoclassicists — who, don’t forget, founded The United States of America and wrote The Constitution — will do for the World what they once did — and did so well — for the Nation.

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Symposium

(A digression)

On the steps of the magnificent Parthenon, bathed in the golden light of dawn, a Symposium of sorts spontaneously sprang to life when St. Augustine of Hippo and St. Thomas Aquinas, who had already begun to stoke each other's fires, paused in their walk to query Socrates.

St. Augustine began, directing his remarks to the Father of Western Philosophy: "I’d say the Lord has a big problem," said Augustine. "He's gotta straighten out those crazies — those goddamn extremists on the Right — eh, and on the Left. Am I right? In the Name of God — God, Socretes — they commit horrendous crimes, those bastards. They kill 'babies’ in the womb. They kill the doctors who abort them. They're both nutcakes. They're both guilty of surgical slaughter."

"To the contrary," said St. Thomas Aquinas, "those defending the Right-to-Life bomb the others to Kingdom Come — but only if the 'Holy Spirit' moves them," he mocked. "If a plumber happened to be at work in the office, they'd kill him, too. If the plumber's child happened to be there watching her dad at work, they'd kill her, too, happily. Lord! The plumber could be a card-carrying, dues-paying member of the Righteous, Radical, Rotten, Religious, Republican, Right. They don't give a damn. They don't ask for I.D. They commit these fucking crimes in His Name. In the Name of Our Lord, Jesus Christ! Are these assholes crazy? — stupid? — Are they not Eric Hoffer's True Believers? Are they not miserable? Are they not perverse? I don't know what to call these self-styled executioners," St. Thomas said.

"To abort a fetus is no joking matter," said Socrates; "but I do not believe that anyone takes that decision lightly. No, not the doctor, nor the clinic, and certainly not the unfortunate, pregnant woman. But — and here I believe you would agree — we have a serious contradiction."

"Yes," said St. Thomas. "To adopt a Pro-Life or a Right-to-Life position, then to commit murder or mass murder in defense of it, does not sound logical to me."

"And in a nation of laws," asked Socrates, "are we talking about a premeditated act?"

"Yes, Socrates, we are," said St. Augustine.

"But to do this because a doctor or a clinic has legally performed or may legally perform an abortion? Where's the logic? Where's the sanity?" asked Socretes. "Are we to assume that these unhappy people are unaware of the Law?"

"Not likely," said Thomas.

"Are they indifferent to it?" Socrates asked, continuing his line of inquiry. "Are they Acting on a Higher Principle? Are they Mad? Therefore, innocent of any crime? Therefore, to be pitied? Therefore to be protected by the State, and, finally, to be given treatment and not punishment?"

"I don't know, Socrates," said Augustine.

"Are they acting outside the Law or within the Law," continued Socrates.

"They are angry, dangerous people," said St. Augustine, "and they have a legitimate case to argue in a Court of Law — if they want to bring an end to legal abortion — but they are clearly acting outside the Law."

"They are criminals," said Aquinas. "What about the doctor's life? Taking it while advocating a Right to Life is arrogant." He spoke quietly, in a crisp, chilling voice with a whisper of menace in his logic. "It is hypocrisy. It is tyranny. I t is fraud," he said. His cold argument sent a chill down this reporter's neck. "As I see it, Socrates — and my brother Augustine, my partner in Christian Charades — the tragedy is that the Right-to-Lifers or Pro-Life advocates are not doing the Lord's Work. They are doing their own — the devil's work. Not mine. Not yours, and certainly not His. They are doing it for themselves: they want martyrdom and sainthood. They are prepared to kill and die for it. That — That's lunacy."

"Then, you must agree," said Socrates, "that they are not sociopaths, not criminals, I mean — not descriptively — but psychopaths."

"Yes," said Augustine. "Thomas, cheer up. Don't you agree with our old friend?" He nudged him. "They do not see that they are giving God a bad Name, but that is because they cannot think nor see past their delusion, past their insanity. Bombing clinics? Burning Planned Parenthood Association offices? Murdering doctors in their cars? In their homes? That's the work of maniacs. That's not God's work. That's the devil's — if ever there were such a beast. Thomas, they . . . they can't do things like that in His Name," he lamented. "Only poor, demented fools would follow in God's footsteps if that's what He stood for. You'd have to be a psychopath. A screwball."

"A jerk," said Thomas Aquinas.

The small, impromptu symposium of secular and religious giants had drawn a giant crowd, though the philosophers had not been aware of it. Socrates scratched his head and smiled when he saw the size of the audience. He waved to the crowd. St. Augustine and St. Thomas Aquinas embraced the Father of Western Thought and waved "Goodbye" to the crowd.

A cheer went up, and while they walked off together, Socrates noticed Aristotle in the crowd and chided him for not "jamming" with them. "None of it makes any damned sense," Aristotle whispered.

The Man on the Street

A Calvinist in the crowd, a young lad, said to a reporter who asked: "What do I think? You want to know what I think? They’re getting away with murder. They can’t handle all that freedom down there."

A Transcendentalist, who declined to blame the Lord for the "irrational" behavior of Earthlings: "Too much emphasis gets placed on hand-clapping in Church — And too little on starving babies in Ethiopia, Romania, Bosnia, Somalia . . . You name it."

A Nigerian, who apparently takes the "acceptance" speeches of born-again Christians at face value: "If you believe what they say — and I do — then the Lord spends altogether too much time on those American Music Awards. He's gotta be working overtime, making all those singers and dancers so-o-o-o rich — and making all those jiggling bimbos such big, commercial successes. Hey, I'm talking about the Lord's Winners here, those 15-minutes of fame celebrities. They’re the first at the alter and the loudest to confess. "Lawd!" The first Word out of their mouths condemns them:

‘I want to thank my Savior, the Baby Jesus — yeah, suh — for givin' me this Award. And for al-l-l the success He’s givin' me.’

"My Sweet Lord!" the Nigerian continued. "If you ask me, He’s looking for the glitzy glory and the big-time TV thank-yous. I guess there’s no profit in starving babies," she scowled.