Sahaja Yoga has helped me to overcome many very traumatic experiences. My life is a testament to the power and validity of Sahaja Yoga and its founder Shri Mataji.
When I was sixteen months old I accidentally drank a powerful drain cleaner. Thankfully at the time we were right beside a police station and one of the police drove us to the hospital (by the time an ambulance came it would have been too late). At the hospital they operated. My parents had no idea if I would survive. I had my stomach pumped and they made a hole in my trachae to breath through. I had extensive lye burns in my mouth and on the inside of my throat. I spent much of the next six years in the hospital. For three years I had to eat through a tube in my stomach and for the next six years I had to breath through the hole that they made in my throat which meant I could only speak in a whisper. To deal with the difficulties of my scared throat and my growing body (scar tissue does not grow very well) the doctors wanted to replace my throat with a section of my intestine which would have meant I would never have been able to speak except in a whisper. My mother said no and prayed and prayed to God to heal me. My mothers pray was heard and I healed. By the age of 7 I was able to speak, although with a slight lisp. For a long time I was very insecure and shy to speak, and I would never ever sing. Gradually I regained my confidence to the point where I am now very comfortable speaking in public(I am a highschool teacher). Now I enjoy singing, which is incredible when I think of all those years when I wouldn't sing at all. Sahaja Yoga has played a large part in this process.
When I was between the ages of eight to ten I was sexually abused and raped. After the abuse I was filled with shame and anger. I felt dirty and worthless. I felt vulnerable and unprotected. At night I used to toss and turn in my bed trying to find a position to sleep in which I felt protected. Nighttime was hell. I hated going to my room to sleep. Usually I would end up sleeping between my bed and the wall. I began to have nightmarish images go through my head. Images of torturing and killing the person who abused me and images of torturing and killing myself. These images became worse and worse. I could not control them and gradually they were not only about myself and my abuser but about everyone I would look at or talk to. Eventually throughout the whole day there was a constant barrage of violent imagery. This was extremely painful especially when it the images people that I loved. This constant evil chatter cut me off from others. Try to imagine what it is like to be talking with someone who you love and at the same time have images in your head of raping and murdering them and voices saying "I hate you" over and over again. It was hell. Sometimes the images were so strong I was afraid that I would act upon them. Usually the voices would say the same thing over and over again, sometimes for hours. Things like "I hate myself"; "I am a sexual being", "I hate everyone", or "Everyone is a sexual being". I was drowning in images of rape and murder.
When one has been abused it is difficult to understand what is love without sexual feelings and betrayal. It is very difficult to reach out to anyone.
At twelve I began using marijuana and drinking. By fourteen I had begun to use LSD. The mental torture grew worse and worse. I began to cut myself, often putting alcohol in the cuts to make it hurt more, this made the images less for a while but they always came back.
At fifteen when I was very drunk on new years eve I broke down and told my best friend what had happened. I was crying and crying , "how can I ever trust anyone again?" After this I began to face what had happened to me and was able to regain some control of my life. The images and voices became a little more quiet but were still there all the time. When I was sixteen my kundalini spontaneously awakened (for the full story go to How I Received my Realization). I felt the glory of my spirit and a tremendous love for God and all people. This feeling left after about half an hour. I was desperate to regain this level of awareness. I tried many things but found little success until I met Shri Mataji a year later. When she told me that "innocence is never destroyed" I had hope that I could be free of the hate and self-loathing. Within two weeks I felt again that blissful state of love. I knew I had found what I was looking for. I began to meditate every morning and every evening. I knew I had a lot of healing to do.
It took many years to heal. I had moments where again I would be overcome by self-hatred and I felt like giving up. It was always Shri Mataji and her love that pulled me through those difficult moments. I have a hundred times over experienced the effectiveness of Sahaja Yoga treatments and the reality of the subtle system as I have pulled myself out of depression and continued to progress.
Looking back at the last eleven years of meditating and what I was like before I am amazed at how I have changed. I am sure that anyone reading this who knows me would also be amazed to know what challenges Shri Mataji has helped me overcome. Sometimes I chat online with others who have survived childhood sexual abuse and most feel that you can never really be healed from this trauma, they feel the most you can do is to learn how to deal with it. But I have experienced that with kundalini awakening complete healing is possible. Now my attention is clear. I no longer have violent thoughts or voices. I have learned what it is to feel joy. To smile and laugh just because I exist. I no longer feel ashamed or guilty. I am able to express affection and love to others. I have rediscovered my spirit.
If there is anyone out there(sahaja yogi or seeker) who is dealing with the trauma of child abuse I would be very happy to talk with you and offer what support and guidance I can. I will not say that it is easy to overcome abuse but it is possible (it was only after many years of meditating that the voices and images dissapeared). You can completely heal and again experience pure joy.
