Tim and I have grossly pushed the boundries and the limits of a relationship asking How Far Is Too Far because we are there right now. We've gone too far for someone who is attempting a Christian lifestyle, and we've probably gone too far for a girl ponders breaking up with him every other week.
What is the attraction? Why do i keep putting myself in these situations? And why aren't we just having sex, already?
No one can seriously say that having sex would be any worse than what we are already doing. Perhaps it would scratch of the remainging shreads of the word virginity that we seem to be barely clinging on to, but you can't exactly look at our relationship and consider it chaste and pure. And it's definitly a very sexual relationship, despite the fact we have lacked "going all the way."
I keep waiting for some significant occurance that is going to change things. Either he is going to be convicted, i'll finally get him to orgasm, or we'll just let go of everything and have sex. And it's like i'm worried about myself, because i don't really seem to be thinking, caring or worrying about the losing of virginity. Has sex really come to a place for me, that it would mean nothing for me to participate in it? I don't know if so much that, just that I'm curious and interested in going different directions within our relationship. (As long as i'm stuck in it, right? ;)
Last night together...actually from the moment I saw him walk in the room I was so swept up with--delight? of seeing him. And it was such a nice feeling, cuz I was genuinely excited to see my boyfriend, and I instantly wanted to run over and give him a hug, or a kiss, or both. And the feeling continued all night. I felt sweetly flirty, and cute. I really just wanted to be with him, sharing smiles; hands. Sometimes I'm very attracted to him. I'm attracted to our relationship, and wish it could be something even better. I'm glad i've found this "upcycle." It feels good...and right to be with him. I don't know where anything is going, though.
I don't even know if it needs to go anywhere though. I think my recent inflated affection, and adoration for him should be pursued publically. I think we do need...should talk about our sexual activity, but of course I'm scared to bring it up. It's not that I don't want him to be convicted, I just wish he would see everything differently. I think in our instances sex would actually bring us closer. I think if we could have sex, mutually agreeing that it was "right" and not just a feverish action made in the moment, it would be more meaningful and it would also open doors for other conversations. I don't want to say only sex can do that....but it would be interesting....to have sex. ;)
