I figure the most I've got going on is youth and beauty. What will happen to me when I've lost both?
Sometimes I wonder if one day I'll get in a car crash, or get caught in a fire and be scarred or marred forever all over my face. Either as God's punishment for my vanity (and perhaps putting it above or before God) or as a test of faith. Sure it's easy to love God, and be happy with life, when life treats you well. How would I fare if I were to ever really be thrown amongst life's wonders?
I do depend on my looks. A lot. It's how I define myself. It's how I carry myself. I often attach my self-confidence and audacity to it. It's a part and way of life. Today at lunch Michael said it would probably suck to be a girl, and that I probably wished I were a boy. I told him, nope, that I liked being a girl. And if I had a choice. I would choose it again.
Of course I have no real basis for comparison. Uh, I've never been a boy after all. ;)
But Michael was saying that girls have so much worldly pressures on them. So much is always placed on them being beautiful and thin and what not. It's terrible. I almost answered in return, "But I am thin and beautiful so I don't have to worry about it."
Do I really believe that? (Well, yeah, I think I'm thin and beautiful but.... ;) But my thoughts kind of threw me into reality. And this sounds so horrible and I hate it, but....What does it feel like to not look this way? And I imagine the pressures of the world are horrible. And I suppose even I do strive to be the best of what I am physically. (Well okay, those double stuffed oreos and junk only diet stragies probably aren't "striving for the best" but...). I mean I enjoy the "girly" things of life. I like make up. I like coloring and fooling around with my hair.
Of course there's been days I wished we were all cone heads but....It never lasts long. I enjoy being pretty. And frilly. Men may appear to hold the control with brute and force. But us.... Oh yes, us; we girls have the power of seduction. I love the amazing sexuality of being a girl.
We have these bodies that scream art. So many curves and mysteries. I love seeing the reaction of walking into a room when I feel great about myself. You instantly can see the attraction from others. And I suppose a guy can get that too, but.... I still think it's different for a girl. A girl can be beautiful and know it without being a jerk, without being a snob.
It could be nothing more than another boring teen angst story, but I still have the "What's wrong with me" complex. I know there's more to me than my looks. And although it seems to occupy a lot of my thoughts, I think in general when I'm with my friends and people I'm not thinking about how I look, I'm just being me.
So who is me?
I still can't figure it out. I have no idea who I am. Who I want to be. Who I think I will become. Is it me or does everyone feel like this. Does anyone think about this? They must I figure.
But it most often pinpoints back to my relationships. Who do I want to be in my relationships? Who am I looking for? What do I want? And why would anyone like me? Do I continue to find myself in relationships that don't really work, because the people trying aren't good for each other, or is the problem really with me? Do we not share our souls, because I never share mine? Is my life really so lifeless that I have nothing to talk about to chit chat with? Am I unconsciously nervous and/or holding back? Do I really have no personality?
I seem to talk fine with my friends. So what's missing? It could be the people. Maybe because it appears we don't have anything in common....we, uh, really don't! So why can't I find anyone I really click with? Am I just being silly because I am so young, and never really persued or looked? Or obviously soulmates don't wander by everyday, and why should I be so lucky anyway to have found somebody who was that awesome?
I know I use my looks at first. And definitly they play a part in any initiation--from either sides. But there's nothing wrong in starting things out like that. But where my looks end, where does my real relationship begin? Is there anything interesting about me? I feel so passionate about my love for God, my interest in life. I feel involved. I can be athletic, musical. I'm interested in all the arts. You would think there would be some substance there to work from. Maybe I'm being too difficult. Goodnight.
