So I'm thinking about God. Which as previously mentioned in the last entry is still in my mind. Most likely occuring because of K's ripping apart my soul of the "Are you a Christian" question. And it's a good question. I mean if I was a Christian I'd be asking people. Well..I ask people now, and I'm not a Christian. As I read last night from the board, I'm a Christian in context. So, yeah, basically not a "real" Christian in all the sense. But enough that we want to be recognized as moral people. As people who seek God and want to learn more about Him!
Which is what's making me crazy with the Kat situation. I just wish I could scream every arugment I have. It would probably be totally healthy for me to just let the festering out and get it all out on display. It would probably be good if Dan was there, cuz I know I still got issues with him. And that's a whole 'nother story. Oh, K. I hate feeling like this, cuz it just tears me apart.
I don't know. I don't know anything! I would be an awesome Christian if I believed it. I'd be total fanatic. I even have a "story" to tell while giving my testimony! Sure it's not drugs to magic girl, but at least I'm not a typical "church girl" so I had to go through some different channels. But, OH, I'm still not a Christian.
And why not? Well, I have this little problem with hell. I find it completly faulty. Oooh, that was a good plan God, lets invent a place for eternal suffering. But you know, he loves you when he lets you CHOOSE. Fuck that! You know I don't curse very much, but FUCK YOU! Religion used to make me curiously interested. Now it just makes me angry a lot of time. (Uh oh, Eric rubbing off on me?). I can't help it. You would be mad to if someone told you were going to hell.
Okay, not in so many words. Actually in more words. But basically yeah, that's where I'm going. And hey, my whole family is gonna go to. I'm a wreck. I hate it! I wish they could just leave me alone in my discovering. Please, pray for me, I'd love it! But don't harass me cuz it eats me up. And it doesn't make me more turned on to the idea of Christianity, it actually throws me further off course of my spirituality and my relationship with God! I'm battling Jesus, and I don't want to. Can't we all be friends? No, because I'm going to hell.
I wish I could just scream it from a mountain top: I'm going TO HELLLLLL. And right in front of the youth group. It would be refreshing. at least while I was doing it. It'd be torture to come down from that mountatin, but I don't like hiding sometimes. And I try not to be a hypocrite. I try to say GOD everytime, not Jesus. Christ is our savior. Jesus is a man. Only after he rose did he break down the wall of the impossibilities of death.
I'm sick of arguing. I'm following what feels true to me in my heart. And if had some people opposing it wouldn't be the worst thing. It's when the strip me of my only strength, when they say i'm a NON-christian, incapable of being moral, unable to live life "right" and most definitly without the holy spirit, and out to bring Christians down. That's when my hurt starts to burn. Don't take that from me! Don't take God away from me! Don't say I'm nothing. I know nothing. I am nothing. You know, all my friends are Christians, and when you begin to abandon me from everything because I'm a NON, I cry to the world, and I cry to God, that I least I have Him. But when you take Him away from me it hurts. And I know he's not gone. But that fact that you think I don't know him, hurts me too.
