hey james
Don't have all that much to say. Hmm 37 days til I graduate. Just need to last every day. It's like every period I just keep repeating that it's almost over. Just need to get through the day, so I can start the next so it will be all be over. I passed my 12th grade proficiency test. that's good. I got honors in writing and citizenship. missed it in reading by a couple points, darn.
Kathryn asked me if I was Christian. I hate that question. Fear the question. It makes me feel hopeless in this endless tumble of I Don't Know's...
There's this song we sang at youth group, but then i ended up hearing it on Radio U (Christian station) but I really like the song. I know the chorus but I don't kow the first and last stanza. Except for the begining two lines.
In the secret, in a quiet place
In the stillness, you are there.
And I love it. It's sort of my theme song for God. I totally believe in a personal relationship. not that church is bad, i think the fellowship is important, just that my relationship with God will always be found in a quiet, secret place, definitly in the stillness. Actually think that's a bible quote...In the stillness know that I am God.
Anyhow the chorus goes:
I want to know you
I want to hear your voice
I want to know you more.
I want to touch you.
I want to see your voice.
I want to know you more.
I don't know why it's so cool. The sound is really great, it just has this total sincerity while singing it. But it's simple. And it leaves Jesus out of it. (well it could be Jesus...) But it doesn't say so. It's just God, I want to know you more! Maybe that's what I'm crying. Just want to know you more.
I think with Kathryn..I just feel bad. I feel like a disappointment, and it would really nice to just be accepted. Just accept me as who i am. I wonder how that makes her feel though. That her best friend isn't a Christian.
And i don't know who Jesus was. I thought I was approaching a higher understanding, but the more we worked out conflicts on the CWG board, a guy kind of summed it up, and it was a big surprise to me. At least until then i had different interpretations of what he said and who he was. But now, i don't really have anything. The only thing I can say is He Was Wrong. And I don't know. But I don't feel all that great saying, Jesus you were wrong. Not only that Jesus, but I AM right. Some of the CWG stuff I'm totally into. And I think right now, I was really digging to deep by it, not as bad as some, but I was still putting myself above everything. (It teaches not above..but we are equal with God.) Right now I really want to work on being humble before God. I don't know. I mean i know the author wrote the book with his own personal filter, but saying is Jesus was at the total enlightenment,...but being wrong. I mean if that is wrong in the book, what else is? It's kind of falling apart with me.
But I still don't believe in hell.
Don't tell me I'm back to where I was in the beginning. I just need to learn more. ("I want to know you more..."). But learn what? Where do I go from here. I'm beyond arguing with Christians. I had gotten to a stage where I didn't need to prove my point. I still don't feel I have to. If someone is searching, I'll be sure to offer my view of God, but still. I can't explain Jesus. I can't explain judgment. My God has no judgment. There's no judgement in love. His all creation is perfect, and it is we who create the "right/wrong". That wipes out sin. But that also is terribly hard to say aloud. I have no sin. (ooww) How does that sound, for making yourself sound extra special. yeah, not only do I not have sin (i'm perfect!) I'm also equal with God. Yeah, and did you know Jesus was wrong?
It's killling me. I have all these conflicts. CWG brought up so many wonderful ideas and I still will stick with them. But it's left me in mystery. The lil people just tell me to pray and God will answer me. But that's B.S. to me. To me that just sounds like you don't have a clue either.
I just wish I had some answers. It would make me feel a whole lot better to be prepared. That whole, I don't know who Jesus is, just isn't gonna work for me. Enlightened yes, but as everyone loves to tell me Jesus spoke more than anybody on hell and judgement. It still sounds like a bad plan though. And I'll never be able to buy it.
bye
I wrote this letter after yesterday, and I hadn't talked to James yet, so some may have overlapped. This was a more "real" Dear James letter. I think it's a lot of me, and a lot of my journal too. Less of a rant and more of a whine today! ;)
