It was eighth grade when i learned the verb "to osculate".
My teacher must have thought it was important to know how to osculate...or at least know what it was, since it was on that 'oh so important vocab' list of his. Perhaps he was right. But not to know the word. Or to know how to spell it. But to know it. Or at least...how to do it.
I'm kind of a mix with relationships. In theory I see this beautiful thing. In my fantasies there are dilemmas but the hero always fixes them. But in reality. In my life, everything gets twisted up. The superficial idea of a boyfriend always sounds nice. Someone to call...someone to call me. May i quote "When Harry Met Sally" when they said having a boyfriend meant having someone around for "national holidays" Yes, in theory, the idea always sounds nice. But it never works. Perhaps I'm too immature for one. I don't like "unmentioned" obligations that come along with commitments.
What i would really like is to just have this really cool guy friend..or actually any guy that i may hang out with, and if the feeling strikes me...or him, that we could go on it. I'm not talking anything racy, just holding his hand if i want (like if we're walking or at a movie alone). Or to give him a back rub without it raising eyebrows, or even giving guys kisses if i wanted to. And sometimes when a bunch of people are just hanging out and you're not doing much, it feels so good to have someone's arms around you.
Um..so why don't you want a boyfriend again?
BECAUSE I HATE THE, well, the weirdness when a relationship starts. And i guess i've yet to make it through all that. It's so hard. Does he want more, do i want more? How should i act? Is he PDA-ish...can i handle the PDA's? What will we talk about. Can i just sit here or should i be talking.. What is he thinking. Why and i so boring?! Should i go over and stand with him...or does he just want to chill with his friends. Am i a bad kisser? Are they looking at us?
Oh God, should i be doing something...how do i react to that? Should i follow him around? Are we supposed to always be together? ohh, i don't even feel like we're dating, should i be all over him? His hand is on my knee. am i supposed to act, or by not acting is it okay. But it is okay, ohh, does he think it's not okay? Should i kiss him? Or should i wait for him... Maybe i should call him. But would be okay, if i didn't?
Tim kissed me tonight. He was so nervous as he walked me back to my car. He kept shaking my hand as a joke, but then he'd let it go. But then he would shake it again. Um, Tim, what cha doin'? We were in middle of conversation when he either drifted or just stopped, and that's when he leaned in for the kill. I can't actually stand back and see him in slow mo leaning in. He kissed me. Real quick. I thought that was it, but he did a little more. Then he broke away, but I didn't leave it at that. I said something...it was probably stupid ;) and then i pulled him back, wrapped my arms around and kissed him some more. I think i was pulling him over though. oops.
I didn't like it. I mean i didn't enjoy it at all. I've been liking this guy for so long, and he kisses me and i didn't even like it. I'm hopeless. What if i don't like kissing? Last two guys i've kissed i've thought more along the lines of "gross..cooties" then "yeah, baby". Maybe they're just bad kissers. ;)
..Or maybe i am.
"How could I be so immature? How could i be so immature?" --Bjork, Immature
