I'm tired. I feel bad. Not bad sickly just bad, down on myself in general. And annoyed. I'm annoyed with everyone. I just want to be done. I just want to sleep.
i'm getting an F for this quarter in pre-cal. I don't know what my parents are going to do. I don't know what I'm going to do. I haven't let myself feel everything that's going on inside. I'd like for it to be nothing, or maybe that's sad to think a "F" is nothing. Because it isn't. And i do feel bad, i think i feel a lot worse then anyone imagines.
So tired. I really just wanna slam on some hella sleep, but I got to work. Not to say I can't sleep, but I'm afraid if I start sleeping now when I'm like this, I may never get up. I know I'm going to head on up to bed though after I write this.
I hate my art. i'm embarressed of everything I do. I'm too hard on myself. I think i'm a perfectionist (although by my shabby work you wouldn't know ;) I think I have so many ideas and workings going on in my mind. I want it to be so wonderful, but instead of risking my time (and coming up with success) I give up, so I can blame (any possible failures..had i missed my mark on success ;) on that. I gave up. I give up.
I wish I could stop doing that. but i'm tired. And I don't want to try. Not right now I don't. I still haven't done my sketchbook. It was due on Friday.
As long as i turn it in sometime, right? Kathryn was annoying me today. I just felt depressed in her presence. Holly said she had sun stroke yesterday which is BS and I don't know why I even fought the issue. If she wants to think she had sun stroke why should I care? But for some reason it really irked me.
God i'm so not nice. and i hate it. and i haven't cried in so long. It really has been a long time since I have I don't even remember. I had that huffy moment during pre-prom but I never did cry. i want to cry. oh, i'm tired.
Why is it I can't seem to get enough sleep?
I want to talk. I want to be with someone I can talk with. I read this article yesterday on love in one of my mags and it was so good. It had so many points I really agreed with.
Tim kind of joked last night, asking if i was a dork, but it actually hurt my feelings. I supose i may be.
But I don't think i am really. I know I don't persue the "cool" people. But not because i'm not worthy of "coolness" I just don't want to be with them. I don't really want to be with anyone right now. I guess i don't like.... I don't even know what I'm thinking.
I'm so selfish. And i'm sick of "proper" social behavior of making lies and evading truth and what not to spare feelings or tip toe around hush hush things. I'm sick of having to work so hard to think or talk, because i'd rather just say it or whatever. I'm sick of holly being so sensitive. i'm sick of my thoughts and the way I treat people. I'm sick of whatever this feeling is. I feel like this awful person and I don't even do anything.
I protect myself from so much, and in the end i still come out nothing like what i wanted. I'm this fake image and i don't know who i am. And i'm tired, so maybe tomorrow i'll be in love with myself again.
