What's up? It's been awhile. I'm not sure if it's because nothing has happened, I've been too busy, or I've just been venting to other outlets. Probably a little bit of all. Tonight's topic? What is Love?
At a youth convention about a year ago we discussed love, and the definition they gave us was: "Love is a complete commitment to loving unconditionally and getting real." I think this most accurately is a defnition of God's love. And since we should be striving to be and live as our God does, we should also act on this definition. I'm not sure if humans are capable of unconditional love...or if they even should. I think in general terms, yes, we should try to love unconditionally but in relationships, if the love isn't coming from both directions I don't understand why you should stay. If someone beats you, and never pays attention to you, should you continue to love them...in a romantic and loving way? I believe love for humankind is different than the love experienced between two people. It is a uniquely human experience.
Which makes me wonder. Can Jesus emphasize with feelings of lust, and romantic love and confusion? Did Jesus ever love a woman? I think he was far too consumed with his love for God--himself, his father. The church will say he struggled and lived with a love far greater than any love we have, and I believe it. But did he ever experience love for another human in the sense of romantic passion? I'd like to think God understands his creation. But in Jesus' case I don't think he could personally understand it. (But since he is God he must understand it abstractly, I suppose. The trinity does get confusing in this sense.)
But I mean really, does Jesus understand the human love between one another. And not the family love. The lustly love. I wonder if Jesus ever lusted. I always wondered what was going on with Jesus before he started doing the "Jesus thing." You know, before he opened up, and was with John the Baptist and started doing his thing. Was he "human" before then. Experiencing what we experience? Did he always know who he was? They say he never sinned, but...never? We don't know anything about his younger years. Who's to say he didn't sin? We don't really know.
But back to love. I think I am falling in love with Tim. Which is incredible to think of, because I had already assumed in my mind that we could never be in love. I think there is something that happens between two people when they are with each other for so long. But I don't know. I still don't think I could say "I love You" to him. I can't explain. It's like...it's love, but...it's not. An immature love? It's growing...or maybe he's just growing on me. I certainly still look at other guys. If we broke up, I would be sad, but not crushed. I think I would be alright infact. Is this a poor sign of love, or am I just "enlightened" by my CWG blah? I don't know love.
I mean I think it's happening, but it's not The Love. It's not the ultimate. I'm having a horrible time trying to get my thoughts to make sense on the subject. Perhaps there are different degrees to love, and i'm slowly creeping up on them? I think about him a lot. More than I realize. Our relationship is going but...
But where is it going to? Our words still aren't flowing. I don't know if I'm unconsciously holding back, or there's really nothing to say. Or is there something to say but we are just not finding it? Am I merely attracted to the idea of love, rather than actually finding myself in it. I don't think I could say I love you to Tim, and mean it the way the definition explains itself. I think I care for him.
And I think that's a start.
Someone once asked me if I cared for Dan, my ex-boyfriend. I was.."upset" about the break up, but not so much because we were not dating, but how we broke up. And I asked myself the question, and it kind of halted me. No..I didn't really care for him. We never really had a chance to dive into any...well anything at all. It was a weird relationship. So many things held us back, so maybe it's better we didn't try to do anything with it. I've changed a lot since him. He was..very nice though. Not "nice guy" but dating him was nice. Being in his arms was just a really great feeling.
See i'm already talking about someone else. ;) I'll have to see how Tim and I go. I'm just not sure. I really want our relationship to develop, and become something. I would love for there to be a time for me to say "I love You" and to really mean it. I would love to experience a relationship that meant a lot to me. I would love to share my heart and ideas with him. I just hope an opportunity appears for something like that to happen. I think I hold in a lot in general. And even my friends don't hear a lot of it. But I'm not sure a lot of what I think is really meant for friends anyway. Do I ever have anything other than superficiallity to offer to anyone? I hope Tim and I can find an outlet to just...get real. And to love. And for me, to find the desire to commit. I'm still pretty immature on that one. I love you God.
