So why do I hate my mom? I'm bubbling so bad right now, it's hard for me to type. I just want to scream, and curse like crazy, so if this email turns out to be that; i'm sorry. Oh mom. You bitch. I hate fighting. i hate how I know when i'm a parent she's totally conditioned me and i'm going to do the same horrible thing to my kids. And i don't want to do that. I don't want to. And i'm so scared that's how i'll be. I really do dislike my mom. Like it's not just in the passion, I seriously don't like her. And that's so unhealthy. I hate our relationship and I hate what she's doing to me.
What kind of kid do I have to be? I don't do drugs, I don't do anything "bad" I'm reasonably respectful to my 'rents, and most definitly to other adults. I do well school and i'm a "joiner" to make them look good. She's not so strict it's crazy, but seriously mom, just let me do what I want.
I have graduated.
graduated. ARE YOU HEARING THIS? I'm sorry that I want to stay out to....no, not go to a party, no, not go be scandalous on the town..no. I just want to FUCKING STAY OUT TO FINISH OUT A DAMN MOVIE AT THE LOCAL THEATER. OOhhh, I'm so angry, i'm crying. I am crying. I am crying because I have so much anger. So much it's just building and building, and I hate anger because it is so useless. And it so overwhelming I choke on it. It gags me to death, because I can't do anything with it. I can't share it with her. I can't use it physically. so instead i let my anger emotionally abuse me.
Instead I just let it eat me up. And i'm frustrated. And that, my friend, is the worst feeling in the world. Frustration. Because it is completely useless. It can't be healed...if there was a solution you would be doing it. You're frustrated because there is nothing to do. And you dont' know when there will be something to do, and usually at the time you don't feel like there will ever be anything to do. I don't want to fight with my mom for the rest of my life until I'm out of college. YOU BITCH!
God, if there's anything good that can come of this, at least let it be that when I have children I'm not like this. C'mon, good kids get Shit. Don't get the wrong impression. I NEVER curse. (Well this is a time, so i guess it's not never..but rarely.) and never in verbal conversation. i look down on it, and I just don't do it. But when I'm madly frustrated it starts a comin'. But never to the person it's directed at. Just to myself. Just to share how much i'm hating. okay, this is making me sick. i hate.
"All misery is the root to sin." So aglaia if you're hurtin'..you're sinning. Figure it out and give it to God. Forgive me.
