Somehow I've turned sour. I feel so unpleasant, and I'm disappointed I feel this way. I've got that reflective/thought feel. I need to go sit down and just think. I don't have time to think though. Should I make time or ignore myself? Will this turn into a funk if ignored, or will pursuing it make me unhappy? Or maybe it's nothing, and just an unpleasant feeling, because I got to thinking about my mom.
Tim thinks I'm scared of him, and won't talk. (Doesn't he know I don't talk to anyone? ;) I don't know what to do with that. I just feel...
I don't know. Am i just tired? I wish i could just go to sleep, but I can't make myself go to sleep. Not when I have so much to do. Not when I can't seem to make myself do anything. Not when I'm fighting to stay awake for some odd reason.
Maybe I need to cry. I feel bad. I want to talk to Tim. I don't know what about. I think....nothing, I don't know. He asked me about hell. I need to figure it out. I need, i hate, I...i'm falling apart with school. Not really. I'm just going and waiting for the next day to come so I'm finished. We are all. It's not just me.
I wish so much. I wish soo much. I think I'm going to cry and I don't even know why. I need to talk to god. I need to do my homework, I need to learn pre-cal. I want to talk to God. I just want to be with him. I just want Tim to hold me, for a million minutes, and not to say a word. I want to pray. I want Rachael to come to youth group next week and I don't know if she will. I want Kathryn to understand. I want my mom to let me go. I want my mom to disappear. Or understand me.
I wish I knew more. I wish I could read more. I wish I could sit and talk with a friend and learn more about them. I wish I could talk to Tim, but when he asks me, my mind is blank.
My mind is calm.
I have so much I need to give up to God. I wish they understood. I wish I could share my faith. If I had one. I wish I could share so much, without being a hypocrite. I wish I was nice.
I wish my mom and I could get a long. I wish I liked her, because I really don't. I wish I didn't feel so sick, or wouldn't get this way. I wish it was easy. I wish it was easy just for awhile. I'm so tired.
