oh oh. :( I have wasted my saturday. I slept until 12:30 and i only woke then, because my sister was in my room stealing my clothes. I feel really bad because Tim and I were supposed to look for a guitar this morning. I was supposed to call him if I 'want to,' so i fear this may look like a 'i don't want to.' Of course I'll tell him why I didn't call when I see him next, but I felt like such a bore last night, I was hoping I could some how make up for that today. I do need to get a guitar too. I think I would usually just shrug it off, but I feel bla-ish, compliments to my emotional system as of now. So I feel extra bad about it.
I have a headache. I feel slightly depressed for no particular reason, and bummed about my lost day (cuz I have to work later on.) I'm not exactly sure what I had planned for the day, but I feel...not lazy, but listless, unable to do something, just sit here and let my annoyances fester. I've lost my day I can't do anything about it.
I feel bad. Last night I went and saw Tim's play at his school. He didn't want me to tell him if I was going or not, which I thought was strange, because I don't think of him getting nervous, but maybe he does. Since my school was having a spring concert I didn't have anyone to go so I called up Chris to see if he was going, and I was the biggest hyper ditz on the phone, I felt silly, i was so flustered I didn't know what to think of myself. But his whole fam was going so I met up with them. So after the play I went over to the HS to see if the concert was still going, and i saw the last two minutes of it. I kind of missed being in the band. Holly and K got awarded something for being the drum major/majorette people. Holly is so insanely jealous, I couldn't stand them back during football season, cuz holly would freak out. Kathryn got all the attention (cuz she's better and the drum major) and Holly would cry at every game. Holly is beginning to annoy me. I want to slap her and tell her everything I'm thinking about how silly she is over everything.
I think I'm a bad friend. I don't think I'm a very nice person. I'm not a nice person. That sucks. I want to be nice. I don't have any special characteristics to keep me flying at least I could be that nice Danielle. That's disappointing. So after the concert K wanted to hook up and do something. I liked the idea but said I might be doing something with Tim and he was calling me soon. But Chris had mentioned him and this guy scott wanted to go swimming (k has a pool) so I told her they would probably be coming over. And I didn't think Tim had any plans so I was saying we would probably come over and swim. If not we would go to a movie or just drive around and chill. But tim ended up calling, then K called and no one was coming over, and I totally shafted her and went out with Tim, and I felt so horrible about it. I had promised Tim I would go out with him before K, but I'm sure K had it figured in her mind that I was going out with her. I felt so horrible. I don't want to be one of those girls who ditches her friends to hang out with her boyfriend. And holly left to go out of town, and everyone was busy so K didn't have anyone to hang out with. So I felt even worse.
Then Tim was going to a cast party at Rob's house. Which is that "bad" house we went to on his birthday, and the kid owns the house, so obviously there aren't any parents there, so when my mom asked I changed the subject, but before I left she told me to leave if there weren't any parents. So then i was tugging in turmoil. I was really sick of lying to my parents, and i felt really bad disobeying them. I had just shut down my best friend, to go to a party that probably wouldn't be fun so I could be with tim and lie to my parents. I didn't know if I should just (oh i really want to use that four letter word here) it or I should be convicted and not go. But even if i did that and called back kathryn she would still know she was 2nd important. I wasn't sure what I was doing. I kind of got huffy in the car and my eyes flirted with the idea of crying. Or maybe I did cry I don't remember. I wasn't sure if I would get to Tim's and say I had to go home or not. But I ran a story so many times over in my head that by the time i got to his house, I was in "give up" mood and just told him let's go. He knew how I felt and I'm sure he would have done something else had I seriously persued the idea of "hey I don't want to do this." but I didn't want to disappoint him, cuz I imagine he wanted to go.
I feel like this loser girlfriend who can't stay out late. who can't do anything. And even if she has the opportunity she doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs. I was so sick of the smoking. It makes me sick. Not because the smell or anything, just watching people smoke, it makes me sad. I just want to snatch it from their lips and scream how stupid they are. And everyone smokes. Everyone. They were mostly juniors but there was a sophomore there and he was smoking too. Not like the brief age difference had any real range to it, but it felt even sadder for the younger guy to be smoking and drinking too. And it wasn't really a drinking party or anything, there were just a few. But everyone was smoking. It wasn't like it was a bad party full of "bad" kids. For awhile all they did was play cards (and smoke ;). Just sit around and mix music and talk. That's all. I felt boring. I felt so many things I couldn't say, because I didn't know what they were either.
I felt bad cuz Tim thought i was having a bad time. It wasn't a bad time, it was just very unmemorable. I had a nice content blanket on me, and I was fine to watch people smoke or what not. I don't know if I act "wrong" and I don't really care either. He was joking and saying "you don't like my friends." and it wasn't really a dislike, just I didn't have anything to say to them. And I was thinking, I'm not sure if it's sad or not, but I don't really have any friends. I mean i love k and holly, and I know just about everyone at school (but I don't really choose to spend time with them) and my friends are the people at youth group. And I remember last summer he said he got sick of hanging out with the youth group kids everynight, and a lot of people didn't have friends outside of it. Oh, cuz that's me. I don't know.
I've always been a person who has one or two close friends, then I'm just friendly with the rest. But I don't really have a group of friends where we hang out at someone's house and just chill or whatever. The youth group kids do it a lot. But obviously we don't smoke or do all that stuff. I wonder how I'll be in college. I used to think I might go crazy and do all this stuff. But now I've built myself up as a "I don't do that.." that maybe it would be really hypocritical if I started then. I will not smoke I'm sure of that. And who know's, maybe I won't even drink either. That would be so fun if I went through college and remained "good." I would like to go out though, and i do want to be out late. That I will do.
This was actually a Dear James letter, but I just did one in my last entry so I didn't want this one to be another. So if the writing seems strange that is why. Actually I think as for journal and James they are probably the same. But I do know I leave things out or may reword things to fit my personality and situation with James. On my night out with Tim last night I was wearing the cutest lil pink tank top from Victoria's Secret, so I knew I looked cute (I must save my vanity for my journal ;). But Noah one of Tim's friends (who was in the play and in Chris's band) saw me walking into school (to see Tim's play) and he was like "whoah, she's hot." and at first he didn't believe it was Tim's girlfriend, but it was, cuz it was me. :) la la la. See guys say they want you to look and feel comfy, but I know I get a better response when I wear something borderline scandalous. Okay, enough ramble. bye!
