I'm surfing the crimson wave if you catch my drift so if this gets depressing or rambly or whatever, that's why.
My neighbor...i call them roomies, even though we aren't technically rooming together, anyway, roomie Michelle told me that I was very quirky and Ally McBeal-ish. Am I really?
I feel so weird right now. I'm losing my voice, I don't feel really sick yet, and hopefully this is how it will stay, I don't know. I'm really not up to getting sick especially with Thanksgiving coming up and then Finals. Although I'd rather be sick during break than during Finals, but whatever.
I think I wish I was meeting more boys, more people really. I don't know, I mean it's all slowly developing. I think I really like Mike from work, i hope we can at least go on one date over Christmas break.
Dan is so easy, I don't want to get wrapped up in an idea that just sounds cozy in theory. I think I have been relatively "emotionally free" from any of our actions, but now I've been kind of thinking, well why not? I think I may actually be interested in a relationship with him. And I can't decide if it's because just being in a relationship is nice or if I'd actually be happy in a relationship with him. Probably a little of both, and a lot 'who know's' as well. But don't get confused, when I say relationship, I still say it loosely. I guess if we're both interested than we might as well be something in a little more concrete than what we are as of now, but what then? I think I'd like to be dating him, but without the exclusivity of a "girlfriend/boyfriend relationship." But is that possible? And what kind of relationship is that? And in away, you would consider each other "boyfriend/girlfriend" even though you weren't exclusive. And is that possible? I think I do like him, okay, I know I like him. We get along really well, and I think he feels comfortable talking with me about major things...like a absent dad who recently just came back in his life.
And you know what? I feel the same way. I'd say we've both shared stuff that's kind of personal. Little slips and conversations into each others souls. And it's so nice, because we never could do that before. We are both attracted to each other, so no problem there. He's smart too. Actually I have a hard time defining that. Like he is smart. I really think of myself as book smart, but seriously, I'm not that much. I mean I think I make the efforts and that's why I get by and I do well, but the actual smarts. Well, Dan has them. He's in a honors Engineering program, he's in super high maths...I mean he's a smart cookie. And it's kind of hard to say he's smart, when his actions don't necessarily reflect that. I wouldn't say getting drunk every weekend is smart. And I know justifications are supposed to be the worst things to turn to, if you've gotten that far, but I mean I know it doesn't justify his actions, but most kids do drink.
And he doesn't do drugs and doesn't ever plan to. That's good. That's smart. He does call himself a Christian, but he doesn't really act accordingly. I don't know if that's smart or just the obvious flaw of the Christian ideals. I mean why do so many Christians have trouble living a Christian life. Is it really Satan? Are people just too lazy to care? Or is it just so much of a completely unnatural life, that even if it's something you believe in, natural behavior always wins. It's like the Tao, that I am studying in Asian Philosophy. It is just living the way of life, or the Tao that leads by spontaneous actions and nature.
So why would I want to get involved with Dan. What is the attraction, and what are the opposing forces? The thing about Dan is even though he's really girl crazy, and does corrupt the freshmen in his dorm ;) by taking them partying every weekend, he's a really sweet guy. He's incredibly romantic, would never do anything that would hurt you or put you in a position you didn't want to be in. I mean think about that situation we were in. I imagine most guys would have definitly assumed sex was what was going to happen, and if I wasn't pushing it, i'm sure they would. But Dan didn't.
So what of a relationship. I think it really is up to me at this point to persue anything. He has already bravely laid his feelings on the table, and told me quite a few times, although I was really unsure about everything at the time. And how do you go into something saying hey I like you, I want to be with you and have something with you, but i want to be open to date other people. But to me it sounds like a "test run" which I'm interested in. The fact is, is that i'm not ready to commit, not necessarily because I don't think Dan is the "one for me," but because I think I am too immature for it. I seriously think that me and Dan could have something really cool, though. I don't know why I'm holding back...part I think I'm still interested in other guys, and if that's the truth, then I don't think it would be right to be in a relationship, but how's this....Dan IS a guy I am interested in.
I know what I need to do. I need to talk to Dan. I need to tell him how I feel, but I don't really know what I feel. It's hard to put it all together. It's sort of a conflict of inner feelings. I don't know, I think in my mind I just wanted to go to college and meet new people. I bring home this great guy to Mom, whom she's never met before, never seen. I can tell her all about him, and she can get to know this person she has no preconceived perceptions about.Not that my mom sees Dan in a bad light at all. I think I have put his mom in a slightly negative one though. And even still, it's like I've already been through Dan, I just want to bring in someone new. I'm also not sure if I want to be in a concrete relationship. Once again I really just want to be a floater right now. And also, you've got this guy, that broke up with me for not being a Christian. I'm not sure if he even knows that I'm not one. I doubt it. Do I really want to run the risk of Christian relapses? That's a stress in itself.
I also think I would feel really uncomfortable going back to any youth group functions, or just hanging out with the gang with Dan, because, I don't know, that's weird. Especially in front of Tim. Or even Chris.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I don't know anything. I feel kind of sick, i'm going to go.
