I don't know where to start. I could go anywhere. I'm really getting a hang of this college thing. I think I really like it. Ah, now I can be a part of the cliche of loving college life. But I really do, I can finally answer the question without hesitation, or mumbles, or waving my hand in that unsure way. I really do like college. Infact comparitively (to everything school wise past) I love it! I feel really organized, and incredibly good about myself. You know, getting things done, studying, doing my reading for classes....attending all of my classes, working hard for tests. I've yet to have found myself in a situation where I thought I could have worked harder, or would have done something different. And that's a really good feeling to have.
I ran into this guy I met at Orientation named Elliott. In my mind I always call him "eliotot." I'm not sure why... :) Anyway, he was really colorful when I first met him. Definitly talkable, and involved with people. But perhaps a little overwhelming. I could tell he wanted me. ;) It's all in the eyes, baby. Anyway, so we've passed a few emails since we met at orientation, but nothing really. But he was at the same UVC lecture as I was, and I thought it was him but wasn't sure. Conveniently he leaned to the left, and I was able to sneak a peak from a few rows back to see what his name was. Lovin' my eyes, I hope I never need glasses or anything. It's really nice being able to rely on your eyes..and not necessarily just in instances like this. ;)
Anyway, Elliot, was still a sweetie...actually he seemed a lot less hyper than the first time we had met...which is a big relief, because I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to stand him as a friend. But all is well, I was feeling the best vibes from him. Like he could be a future best guy friend type. Loving the 'Harry Met Sally' overtones! But I'm pretty pumped about that. Coincidentally he lives right on Dan's floor, so that's pretty weird, but cool. Means I'll have a better chance of just running into him, or hanging out. Maybe he'll come to a party with us sometime. I think that would be fun.
You know, for all the times I haven't drinked or "party hardy" and I didn't seem to fit in, there's a million times other that I'm so happy that I'm not a drinker, or whatever. Like just being able to say I've never been drunk, or I'm still a virgin....I mean even though there's nothing really stopping me from going out tomorrow and getting wasted and laid, for the moment, it feels really great to tell someone that. I think people really respect that. This "good girl" thing isn't so bad.
Okay, so maybe I should revise that last sentence to this "good girl image." I mean what I have to tell you next really isn't the workings of a good girl. And whatever, if you've read anything I've written, we all know I'm not really a good girl anyway. I mean I am...but i'm not. But that's the true essence of Aglaia...I'm a contradiction for sure.
Okay so last weekend I go out with Dan and his floor. We held off to some frat party which wasn't all that bad. (Things always seem better in retrospect, but in reality, i didn't think it was that cool...) but whatever, I guess it held potential, but that potential never turned kinetic, if you know what I mean. So we had fun strobe lights, a few holloween costumes, jamming 80s music, and people actually dancing! I have Dan who is flirtin', run into Ushani and Aaron which are hanging, all is cool. I'm drinking a little, but I'm not feeling the love from any of it. I had a spiked apple cider (with "live" apples in it, yum!)--I think I ate a couple full apples actually through the night from it....and then I had a large cup of beer. But nothing really did the trick, oh well. So I danced a little with Dan, but nothing too special, while Aaron looked on. I don't care.
A bonfire starts up, and a rumor starts that the police are coming, so Dan says we might want to leave. We try to round up the posse, but no one really wants to leave, so we decide to go ourselves. So we're just walking down the streets over in "party central" of the campus area and he's kind of mumbling something about how much he likes me, and he'd basically do anything to have me (as a girlfriend or what not) and I'm totally silent (with a dumb uneasy smile on my face probably) the whole time, and at the end I feel really obligated to say something. But what do I say? Oh, that's cool. I mean, I don't know. I'm still mixed up on what I feel for him exactly, so I'm kind of speechless as to how to respond. So I'm not exactly sure if I did the right thing, but I left the words alone and relied on actions alone...Well first let me explain why I did what I did. He's always saying he likes me, and that I don't
like him, and that he has no chance, and yadda yadda, and well, that gets kind of annoying. I mean c'mon, i'm out with him, sure he has a chance, and yeah I do kind of like him. But obviously he has much more of a thing for me than I do for him, so that's where it gets all dicey. So I decide to make an executive decision, so I step in front of him, walking backwards, and grab his hands and pull him forward. I wasn't intending to kiss him, it was more like, "here it's how it is..I DO like you, so stop saying all that junk!" But it didn't quite go like that, I never really got any words out. From the first pull in to me, he just came right up, and we ended up in some kissing on the sidewalk. Oh well. So after that, words seemed a little useless. I think he was pretty pumped about that. So we're walking back still, we've got awhile to go, just being "friendly" with each other. And we get to a point where we're almost at the dorms, and he's kind of like, This would be kind of forward of me to ask you up to my room..... Okay, well really that night was young I mean comparatively...it was like only 1:00 in the morning. So technically it could have been a harmless invitation to hang out. *I* myself had called him at 1am before in the past, just to come over and chill. Buuuut because we were both still buzzing from my kiss, I think we were both thinking something more. So I just joked about how I would "love to go up.." ..and so we did.
I wasn't sure what was up. I wasn't even thinking. Well, I was thinking, a little. I was talking to God in my head, asking him to keep me safe. I wasn't sure what going to happen, but I trusted God to have me make the best decisions for myself. So we go up to his room. Small talk for like a minute, while he's flipping channels on his tv. He sits down on a chair, but i guess i'm kind of "ready to go" so I kind of do a lean in on him, and start kissing him. I think he's kind of surprised by my forwardness. And then I'm sitting on his lap, half watching tv, and half kissing from time to time, he says he has to go to the bathroom and leaves.
I bet that was an interesting conversation---er, had i gone to the bathroom, i would have been so talking to my reflection in the mirror. So he comes back, and i've situated myself on a bean bag on the floor. So now we're making out on the floor, and he doesn't take too long to work his hands up my shirt. And hey, who needs a shirt anyway (or a bra!) so that's coming off. And he doesn't need a shirt either....
So then we are there...doing all that jazz, and he moves to unzipping my pants, and (hello!) his hands are going places, i'm not sure even Tim ever tempted. He asks me to stay the night, and why not, so i say yes. We decide to change into some night clothes (that was fun wearing his clothes!) and go up to his bed. But we take awhile getting up there. We're standing for quite a long time, just kind of kissing, and uh..other stuff, and it's all very nice actually. He seems very sought on making me come, which is kind of fun to have someone so enthusiastic for your pleasure, opposed to their own. Or even better...his pleasure is seeing me in pleasure.
We finally get up to his bed, and he seriously just makes love to my body. I mean I'm not talking about sex, but he's just all over with kisses and everything, and it all felt so good. And eventually he's giving me oral sex, and it's really incredible, but i don't come, but still, an experience. More making out, yadda yadda, and we go to sleep. I think we both are waking up in the night, so by the time morning came there wasn't any weird "morning after" because we woke together, and just kind of held each other or whatever, not really speaking, but it was cool. So then i got dressed and I went home. And that was the big [last] weekend.
I wasn't exactly clear on the "what next" question. Still left undecided with the way I felt about him, although i knew I was interested in other people as well as him. And I'm just not looking for a concrete boyfriend/girlfriend relationship thing. I ponderd the question if i had "used" him or not. (Or if he had used ME. He is sort of a player/flirt after all!)
He called me then on Sunday. Which I was glad about. I wasn't sure when he would call, or how it would go. And we had a really nice convo and talked for a long time, just about stuff in general, not necessarily what had happened. But he did let me know how much he had enjoyed having me there, and how he thought i was "awesome" and yadda yadda. There was a point he was telling me how great I was and such and then he says something like "I hope you feel the same way about me..." and the phone was totally silent. I had no idea what to say. I mean I can't say "i don't know." or " i'm not sure." He had already asked me, when I was there last night, why "the change of heart" or why I was doing any of these things with him. I told him I didn't know then. And I sort of don't. Hey, i'm a slut? I'm just having a good time? Who know's, I think i was abusing the situation a bit in my favor, but not completely selfishly. I mean I was sort of doing it all...because I could...and I knew he liked me, so I figured I might as well have fun, while he's enjoying himself as well. I know he was totally thrilled the whole night. Anyway, so I just huffed something, and told him I had a good time that night. Hoped that flew. It sounded kind of cheesy though after he just said all these things, and I threw in a one liner.
That's been it. Haven't heard anything from him since. I hope to see him sometime this weekend though. Although hopefully, if all goes well, tomorrow I will be living out a 'teen dream with a guy named Pete. But more on that later. :)
"You are, my fire, the one, desire. Believe, when I say. I, want it that way."
That song does not make any sense! Listen to it!
