Well, officially a college student, I will be starting my third week starting on Monday. What can I say really? It's completely the cliche that they portray to you in the movies.
It's been sort of an interesting experience so far. I feel completely normal being here. The only thing that feels weird...is the fact that I don't feel weird about it. I don't know, I guess just another step of life I assumed would take place, and now it is. I don't know why it doesn't feel weird to not have to check in with mom & dad, or be home by curfew. I don't know why it feels normal to be sleeping in my dorm room which is now considered home, with a girl I barely knew from high school.
I heard from my mom, who had talked to another mom, that K was feeling really lonely here. Which is interesting, because last time I talked with Kat she said she was loving it all. (Another cliche?). I don't think I told her, but I was lonely too. I on the otherhand, haven't been telling the world, that everything is great and wonderful. The thing I really enjoy is just being able to make my own choices, about where I go, who I hang out with, and when I go out. I think I actually do prefer to be living with my parents and fam and in the house. If it was close enough to campus to walk, I might have considered it. Commuting sucks.
I mean I'm a good girl, I've gone to parties, but I haven't got drunk. I've stayed out late, but on average I'm home pretty early...even early enough to make my curfew at home. ;) See, I've been thinking....you guys could have trusted me to make my own decisions.
Of course, truth let it be known, I am curious to the wonders everyone seems to be experiencing. I'm not saying I wish I was getting "trashed" every night, but I wouldn't mind having a personal story of "getting drunk" or even....getting high. Not so much that I want to "belong" just I want to know what everyone is talking about. I don't think that's such a strange way to be.
Can I talk about sex? Not to just add it to the list of drugs and college life, but I am also curious about that at too. Not that I just want to go out and do it with someone, but like any normal 'teen it's on my mind a lot too. I've been talking with a friend recently about the "easy girl" vs. "the girl who just doesn't care." 'Is there a difference?' was the question posed. He said yes, I said I wasn't sure. Our recent conclusion was that the easy girl persued and actually could have feeings afterward about what happened. But the girl who didn't care...well, she wouldn't care. I'm not easy..am i? But I don't care.
I went out with an old ex two weeks ago, and we were incredibly touchy feely the whole night, which led up to some kissing at the end. He was half-drunk, at least he had an excuse. The next day he's apologizing and what not, but the thing was.....was that I didn't care. I didn't care what he did, and it has me wondering, would there have been a point where I would have cared? Back to the best question in the world....how far is too far? Is there a point for me? Can you go too far with me? Am I that easy? I kind of feel like it. I mean I'm not going out and trying to find some guy who'll sleep with me, but...if a guy was really sought out in the idea of sleeping with me...would he have much trouble...getting it?
I think I do care. But I don't know how much. And I think half of it is that I think I should care, more than I really do. Dan's roommate and his girlfriend were leaving the room for the night when we were out, and I knew that would leave two sexually sparked people alone in the room. So I did what I thought was the mature thing to do; I left. Of course...he escorted me back to my dorm and we kissed, but whatever. ;) But I mean, I wonder what would have happened had we been left alone. I know we would have made out, and who knows what else, although I like to think, we wouldn't have..or at least gotten to a point where sex became a real issue. See, I do care, if we had been in that position, I know I wouldn't have slept with him. But if we started to form some kind of relationship, how long would it take me to sleep with him then? I don't think it would be that long.
And Tim. I would definitly be having sex with Tim if he wasn't a Christian. Do you think i purposely seek out Christians, because I know that leaves no real threat of ever losing my virginity? And what am I holding on to? If i'm not a Christian, then it isn't an issue really. I mean you can think of the practical side of it...no disease, no pregnancy, but if I really don't care, would I experience the emotional side of it? Would I experience the emotions because society has taught me I should? Perhaps it is good Tim and I don't have sex. We would be having it right now..outside of a "committed" relationship if so. I know it. Especially with me in a dorm, almost always alone with him. We definitly have the opportunity.
But I don't want to do it just to do it. I do want to be in a relationship, I do want it to be with someone I care about...with someone who cares about me. I don't want to be used, and I don't want to be the user either. But I am unhealthly wrapped up in it.
So who's in the line up for future traumas, dramas? We've got Dan, Tim, Mike and Matt...I'll keep you updated. ;)
