I'm totally bored. I don't think I've ever really been ready for school. I mean even in elementary or in HS, I just never wanted to go back. School actually was a fine place for me. It's not like I hated it. And really, I did pretty good at it. Without too much effort, too. Not to say I didn't use any effort. After all I'm very proud of my sacrifice...a "B" in Art to make time to research for my English class. And well...an "F" in pre-cal isn't exactly doing "pretty good" uh....without effort. Unfortunately, I felt like I was putting out effort...and still ended up with an "F." But on to more positive things...those days are behind me. Ah, good thing. I wonder if I'll have to take math next quarter.[makes a face] Oh well.
But back to being bored and ready...I think I'm sort of ready. I don't know. It's like I don't have any goals or interests of the moment, it's kind of weird. I don't have any projects or "things I need/want to do" lists...although I'm sure there are things I do need to do. And I'm not really ready for college yet. I have yet to buy some of my very essential things I will need for my dorm. (Well if my mom would ever actually go with me, perhaps I could buy them!) I've already bought so much with my own money, and I uh, don't think I'm getting any payment back on those. Better bring out the 'rents, cuz they'll probably pay for it then!
This post isn't really going where I wanted it to go. But I suppose I didn't have a definite direction. Sometime this night I was ready to go to bed, only to look at the clock and realize it was only 10:30. Dude, if I had closed for Jimmy I could still be at work! So I decided going to sleep this early was unacceptable. So I read my Marie Claire and played Civilization for a half-hour; then decided that a journal entry would wrap up the night. I even made popcorn for the occasion.
I was thinking about the power of beauty. This sounds terribly conceited and I apoligize for it. Because it probably is but I wonder what it would be like being me if I didn't look like how I looked. Now I know you can't see me, but I definitly use my looks as a huge part of who I am. It helps me get what I want. It helps me be confident in what I am doing. Often times if I have to approach someone to ask for something, or to do something, I'll reassure myself that you're pretty, it's going to be okay. I don't want to blow this out of what it really is. It's not like I'm "stop in your tracks gorgeous" but I do think I'm very pretty and attractive. But I think that's the bonus of positive thinking. Once you thinkyou are something. You become it. Er...you think you become it. ;)
Aren't compliments wonderful? And it doesn't even have to be a straight up compliment; it can be implied. I love flirting. I love being flirted with, I love flirting with others. Some say flirting is wrong. And it lead to mis-signals, and I totally agree. But I can't stop doing it! It's a huge ego boost, and It's fun to do anyway. I'll admit to flirting just for fun, not because I necessarily like the guy...and I bet guys have flirted with me for the same reasons too. I think it's fine to do so. Flirting has that special way of making you feel desirable. It creates this lovely illusion that you are fun to be with, attractive and worthy of attention. It's when the fine lines of playing and actual romantic interst blur that the confusion and problems occur. I've been victim to it. I bet you have too. I'd say for the most part I can tell what is playing and what is of sexual interest. Of course I also hold a high esteem of myself, and assume every guy wants me. ;) J/K. I know every guy doesn't want me. But it sure is fun to think so. :)
I told Jimmy I was just hoping my boyfriend would dump me and he just looked me up and down and kind of gave me this look and said, "He's *not* going to break up with you." Why, because he may be attracted to me? Now, I'll say first I've read like 6 beauty magazines in the past two days so I've got a lot of junk and bull running through my head, but a lot of it involved "what guys are really thinking" articles. I know the cliches, of all guys think about is sex...and the magazines seemed to really support this, but...is it really true? And if it is, why do I seem so naive and unwilling to accept this?
And I think I have a dirty mind. Is sex really what's always on a guy's mind? Is he really only wondering what I look like naked? Or how he can manage to get laid with me? It's hard to look at guys decently if that's all they're really thinking. But I just....can't really believe that's all that's on their mind. While I'm at work?! ...at school? In the grocery? Is that really going on in all their minds? I have a wandering mind. I have a very imaginative mind and I think I like to play around with my surroundings...and whose in them! And some days, it does sort of feel like 24/7...but, it's not always some days. Some days I don't think about that kind of stuff all the time. Although I usually manage it in sometime during the day. ;)
