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Bob's ChiliCook-Off
I've been getting many e-mails from numerous people to send the "Oh Firehouse" funny again. So to all of you that have been wanting it again here ya go....enjoy along with my favorite chili recipe
Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table watching Charlotte serve at the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when adored by all.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
| Chili #1 | Mike's Maniac
Mobster Monster Chili  |
| JUDGE ONE: | A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. |
| JUDGE TWO:. | Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. |
| BOB: | Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Charlotte gave me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy. |
| Chili # 2: | Arthur's Afterburner Chili  |
| JUDGE ONE: | Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. |
| JUDGE TWO: | Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. |
| BOB: | Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what
I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. Charlotte poured two glasses of beer down my thoat and started to give me CPR. |
| Chili # 3: | Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn
Chili  |
| JUDGE ONE: | Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. |
| JUDGE TWO: | A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. |
| BOB: | This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located
a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Charlotte pounded me on the back so hard now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. After she wiped my tears.. |
| Chili # 4: | Bubba's Black Magic |
| JUDGE ONE: | Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. |
| JUDGE TWO: | A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. |
| BOB: | I felt something scraping across my tongue but was
unable to taste it. Charlotte was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. Charlotte took my cellular phone to call our insurance agent and make sure my life insurance policy is up to date. (Real funny Charlotte ha ha ha) |
| Chili # 5: | Linda's Legal Lip Remover  |
| JUDGE ONE: | Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground
adding considerable kick. Very impressive. |
| JUDGE TWO: | Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. |
| BOB: | My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my
eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Charlotte saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming. |
| Chili # 6: | Vera's Very Vegetarian
Variety  |
| JUDGE ONE: | Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. |
| JUDGE TWO: | The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. |
| BOB: | My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous flames. No onee seems inclined to stand behind me except Charlotte. |
| Chili # 7: | Susan's Screaming Sensation
Chili |
| JUDGE ONE: | A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. |
| JUDGE TWO: | Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress. |
| BOB: | You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the
pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one
eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing
water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Charlotte, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our kids I'm sorry I am not going to be there for them anymore. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. |
| Chili # 8: | Helen's Mount Saint
Chili OMG |
| JUDGE ONE: | This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. |
| JUDGE TWO: | A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. |
| BOB: | Wow I see a bright light in front of me--everything
is peaceful and I feel as though I've left my (now destroyed) human body. I reach out for the warm, soft light light that I know is my reward. My hand grabs a HEADLIGHT attached to the PARAMEDICS van. Charlotte waves goodbye as they shovel up my insides and they take my tounge and I away. |
Ahhhh.. well.. as you can see, I survived the Chili-Cook-Off and I will be eating solid foods soon. Below is my favorite Chili recipe. Follow the directions closely and I am sure you will enjoy it as much as I do.
BOB'S BELLY
BOMBER 
Chili and Nuts Recipe:
| You'll need the following: | |
| 1 cup of water, 1 cup of sugar, 4 large eggs, 2 cups dried fruit, 20 large tomatoes 1 teaspoon baking soda, |
1 teaspoon salt, 1 cup brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, (to make it crunchy) 2 cans chili beans a bottle of whiskey. |
Sample the whiskey to check the quality.
Take a large bowl. (Charlotte where's the bowls?) Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is of the HIGHEST quality, pour 1 level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Find the mixer. (Charlotte!! Where's the... oh I knew that!) Turn on the electric mixer, (if I were to have bought the damn mixer it would have been a Craftsman!) mix all but 2 of the eggs in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar and the 2 cans of beans and beat it again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Try another cup.
Turn of the mixer. Break 2 leggs and and the bowl and chuck in all those tomatoes. Mix on the turner. If the tomatoes gets stuck in the beans and the beaterers pry it looose with a screwdriver. (Oh Siht!!!)
Hide the blendr from Charlotte. (thas my wifs nane )
Sample the whiskey to check for authenticiicity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt...ooorrr someting. Who rares? Keck the whiske again.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain you nuts. Add 1 table. Spoon of sugar or someting. Whatsoever you can fine! Nwo it tasteded chrunchy!
Greeze the stove. Turn the pot pan to 350 degreez.
Don't forget to beat of the turner. Thow the bowl out the window, then: cover teh stove with a blanket.
Checker the wicky agin and bed to go.
Charlotte, I heard a bugugrlar in teh kihcten I bet he was a
vandol! OUSH!!!!
Updated February 15, 2006
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