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Do not drink, or eat anything while reading this story. Keyboards do not take to being sprayed with Powerade from laughing readers. *G*
Quick note:
**Denotes commentary from the peanut gallery**
This is a tale about a tail?a tail that belonged to a little red squirrel and his name was Nutkin.
**"My name's not Nutkin! It's Duo!"
"Shut up or I'll let Old Yuy cut off your braid!"
"Talk about playing dirty, Kit?jeez?"
"And now, on with the story."**
Okay, the squirrel's name was Duo (are you happy, you evil little brat? Now put the scythe DOWN!) and he had a brother named Quatre, and a great many cousins; they lived in a wood at the edge of a lake.
In the middle of the lake there is an island covered with trees and nut bushes; and amngst those trees stands a hollow oak-tree, which is the house of an old owl who is called Old Yuy.
One autumn when the nuts were ripe, and the leaves on the hazel bushes were golden and green?Duo and Quatre and all the other squirrels came out of the wood and down to the edge of the lake.
**"I am NOT going out there."
"WuFei, go out there or I'll pair you up with Lady Une or something. Besides, you don't see Trowa complaining, do you?"
"He never talks anyway!"
"Do you prefer handcuffs or scarves?"
"FINE!"**
They made little rafts out of twigs, and the paddled away over the water to Gundam Island to gather nuts.
Each squirrel had a little sack and a large oar, and spread out his tail for a sail.
They also took with them an offering of three fat mice as a present for Old Yuy, then reconsidered and replaced the dead animals with an even better offering of three bundles of plastique upon his door-step instead.
Then Quatre and the other little squirrels each made a low bow and said politely, "Old Mr. Yuy, will you favor us with permission to gather nuts upon your island?"
But Duo was excessively impertinent with his manners. He bobbed up and down like a little red cherry, singing?
**"Ooh, now this I could get used to!"
"Duo! Put your clothes back on!"
"But it says?"
"Just dance around and say your lines, okay? You can do that later."**
So, Duo bounded around, restraining himself from doing a strip show and subsequently began wiggling his little squirrel tail as he sang?
"Riddle me, riddle me, rot-tot-tote!
A wee little man in a red, red coat!
A staff in his hand, and a stone in his throat;
If you tell me this riddle, I'll give you a groat."
Now this riddle is as old as the hills, and completely incoherent. Mr. Yuy paid no attention whatever to Duo. He shut his eyes obstinately and went to sleep. Probably because he wasn't getting a very good show and Duo was spouting nonsense.
The squirrels filled their little sacks with nuts, and sailed away home in the evening. Quatre finally went back about midnight and untied Duo from the tree where WuFei had left him, but politely refused to remove the gag as they sailed home.
But the next morning they all came back again to Gundam Island; and Quatre and the others brought a fine fat mole, decided against that once again and laid a shiny new .357 Magnum on the stone in front of Old Yuy's doorway and said, "Mr. Yuy, will you favor us with your gracious permission to gather some more nuts?"
But Duo, who had no respect, began to dance up and down, tickling old Mr. Yuy with a nettle and singing?
**"Anou?that's going to hurt quite a bit, isn't it?"
"Nah, Heero likes pain, Quatre, I'm tellin' ya. In fact, just the other night?"
"Enough! Just do it and let's get this over with so I can take this stupid costume off!"
"Wu, I never knew you were such a little hentai?"
"Shut up, Maxwell and sing your little rhyme before I cut your braid off!"
"Touche?shit?"**
"Old Mr. B! Riddle-me-ree!
Hitty Pitty within the wall,
Hitty Pitty without the wall;
If you touch Hitty Pitty,
Hitty Pitty will bite you!"
**"But only if you ask really nice and promise to use the fuzzy handcuffs, 'cause the other ones chafe?ITAI!"
"???"
"FINE!"**
Mr. Yuy woke up suddenly and carried the .357 into his house.
He shut the door in Duo's face. Presently a little thread of blue smoke from a wood fire came up from the top of the tree and Duo peeped through the key-hole and sang?
"A house full, a hole full!
And you cannot gather a bowl-full!"
**"Must be talking about the nuts around here?and I don't mean the Hazelnuts, either?"
"Why you disgusting, disrespectful, scruffy little?!"
"Oh, shut up and keep chewing, *Princess*! Leather can't be that hard to bite through!"
"Don't worry, Une, Relena, you'll get a turn next time. Now leave the straightjackets alone."**
The squirrels searched for nuts all over the island and filled their little sacks, taking care to ignore the two screaming madwomen in the corner of the forest, especially Zechs and Trieze. But Duo gathered oak-apples?yellow and scarlet?and sat upon a beech-stump playing marbles, and watching the door of old Mr. Yuy.
On the third day, the squirrels got up very early and went fishing; they attempted to catch seven fat minnows as a present for Old Yuy, but the fishing was terrible, so instead, they just went to the local Terrorists R Us and bought him a Do-It-Yourself Self-Destruct Kit. They paddled over the lake and landed under a crooked chestnut tree on Gundam Island.
Quatre and six other little squirrels each helped drag the Do-It-Yourself Self-Destruct Kit; but Duo, who had no nice manners, brought no present at all. He ran in front singing?
"The man in the wilderness said to me,
'How many strawberries grow in the sea?'
I answered him as I thought good?
'As many red herrings as grow in the wood.' "
But old Mr. Yuy took no interest in riddles?not even when the answer was provided for him.
On the fourth day the squirrels brought a present of six coded disks, full of Oz information for Old Yuy. Each was carefully wrapped, so that Trieze and Zechs couldn't see exactly what they had brought Old Yuy. But Duo sang as rudely as ever?
"Old Mr. B! Riddle-me-ree!
Flour of England, fruit of Spain,
Met together in a shower of rain;
Put in a bag and tied round with a string,
If you tell me this riddle, I'll give you a?"
**"DUO!!!"**
"ring!"
Which was ridiculous of Duo, because he had not got any ring to give to Old Yuy.
**"Well, if he really wants something?"
"Here we go again?"
"Wha-at? I was just going to give him this handy combination self-destruct button and coffee grinder?"**
The other squirrels hunted up and down the nut bushes; but Duo gathered robin's pin-cushions off a briar bush and stuck them full of pine-needle pins.
On the fifth day, the squirrels brought a present of wild honey; it was so sweet and sticky that they licked their fingers as they put it down on the stone. In fact, there were a few that were licking each other's fingers, but that was stopped IMMEDIATELY and was to be saved for later. They had stolen it out of a bumble bees' nest on the tipity top of the hill.
But Duo skipped up and down singing?
**"Oh, are you kidding?! And I can't just jump on him?!"
"Behave, Duo?just wait, okay?"**
"Hum-a-bum! Buzz! Buzz! Hum-a-bum buzz!
As I went over Tipple-tine
I met a flock of bonny swine;
Some yellow-nacked, some yellow backed!
They were the bonniest swine
That e'er went over Tipple-tine!"
Old Yuy only gave a brief "Hn" at the impertinence of Duo. Then he deliberately scooped up a fingerful of honey and, never breaking eye contact, sucked his finger clean in a rather provocative manner. Watching Duo's face turn absolutely beet red, he smirked and gathered up the honey, going inside and shutting the door as Duo's nose began to bleed.
The squirrels filled their little sacks with nuts. But Duo sat on a large rock, trying to staunch the blood flow from his nose and lay there, whimpering piteously, hoping that the fic writer would quit torturing him and just let him play with Old Yuy and all that sticky, sweet honey?and promptly re-started his nose bleed.
On the sixth day, which was Saturday, the squirrels came again for the last time, they brought a new-laid egg in a little rush basket as a last parting present for Old Yuy. But Duo ran in front, laughing and shouting?
"Humpty Dumpty lies in the beck,
With a white counterpane round his neck,
Forty doctors and forty wrights,
Cannot put Humpty Dumpty to rights!"
Now Old Mr. Yuy took an interest in the egg; they had finally brought him something else to eat than that honey and he was starving from only eating nuts and he had exhausted every recipe in his "101 Ways to Cook Nuts" book. He opened one eye and shut it again. But he did not speak.
Duo became more and more impertinent?
"Old Mr. B! Old Mr. B!
Hickamore, Hackamore, on the King's
kitchen door;
All the King's horses and all the
King's men,
Couldn't drive Hickamore, Hackamore,
Off the King's kitchen door!"
Duo danced up and down like a sunbeam; but still Old Yuy said nothing at all. Duo began again?
"Authur O'Bower has broken his band,
He comes roaring up the land!
The King of Scots with all his power,
Cannot turn Aurthur of the Bower!"
Duo made a whirring noise to sound like the wind, and he took a flying leap right at Old Yuy, glomping him for all his little squirrel body was worth!
Then, all at once, there was a flutterment and a scufflement and a loud "Squeak!"
The other squirrels wisely scuttered away into the bushes. When they came back very cautiously, peeping round the tree?there was Old Yuy sitting on his door-step, quite still, with his eyes closed, as if nothing had happened.
This looks like the end of the story; but it isn't.
**"You're darn right it isn't! I haven't been able to do anything to Heero at all and this is really getting unfair! What the hell's the psychopath doing to me anyway?"
"Duo?"
"I know, I know?Omae o korosue."
"Hn."**
Old Yuy carried Duo into his house, and held him up by the tail, intending to skin him; but Duo pulled so very hard that he broke his tail in two, trying like mad to get away. Unfortunately, he had forgotten about his long brown braid, which Old Yuy grabbed and halted his exit immediately.
"Ow!" hollered a very unhappy Duo. "What's wrong with you? That hurt!"
Old Yuy said nothing, but studied Duo for a long moment, his piercing blue un-owlish eyes looking over the little squirrel that had been driving him up the wall all week. Then he strode over, ripped the squirrel costume off of Duo and proceeded to put good use to the honey.
Hours later, the other little squirrels were back in the wood, enjoying nice hot bowls of soup that Trowa's sister Catherine had made them and were afraid that if they didn't eat it, she would slap them around and burst into tears. Finally, Quatre looked up, noticing that it was wonderfully quiet for the first time in years. "Alright, where did you leave Duo tied up this time, WuFei?" he asked, a cute little scowl on his cute little squirrel face.
"I did nothing of the sort," WuFei interjected, trying to hide from Trieze, who was whispering back and forth with Zechs, both squirrels chuckling evilly and making not-so-discreet glances at him. "Remember? Old Yuy took him and we never found him."
"Oh," Quatre sighed, remembering the horrible afternoon. "Well, I certainly hope Old Mr. Yuy isn't doing anything too bad to poor Duo?"
Back on Gundam Island, Duo and Mr. Yuy were cuddled up in bed together. There were two discarded costumes on the floor and honey everywhere. "Duo?"
"Hm?"
"I thought you said you liked feathers."
"Ne, Heero, using feathers is one thing," Duo chuckled, burrowing under the covers. "But using the whole owl suit is just too freaking kinky, even for me!"
Kitsunehi: There, Duo are you happy, now? You got to jump Heero.
Duo: Yeah, I suppose, but you know?it might have been kinda?you know?fun if you'd have let him keep the owl suit on?
Kitsunehi: That is really more than I needed to know, Duo. Now, leave me alone; I have a Logic mid-term tomorrow and I need to study.
WuFei: Evidently.
Kitsunehi: Oh, just shut up and go back to tormenting Trieze or something. I've had enough of your little suggestions, too, you little hentai?and don't deny it; I heard you yammering away the other night with Sally and Noin over too many fuzzy navels?
WuFei: *faints*
Heero: *wanders in and snickers, then hauls Duo off, wearing the owl costume*
Kitsunehi: *crawls over to her logic book and tries to get that little image out of her mind* Gomen, minna?I have no idea where that came from? *Ends up falling asleep on the couch*
Quatre: *peeks out from behind the couch, holding a cassette recorder with an evil little grin on his face* I do! Now, what to "suggest" to her next??
