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One more night, God I've had to fight
To keep my line of sight on what's real
One more day I fear I've lost my way
I don't know how to say what I feel
Someone better hurry I'm all alone
And I keep breaking down
Breaking down, you know?
"Please...whoever the hell you are...make it stop...I don't want to see anymore..." The voice was low in timbre, but very much whimpering in emotional agony in the dark room. "I can't do this?please?don't make me watch again?"
"You did it," the other voice hissed in the dark. "You did it and you had no regrets. Welcome to Hell?Heero."
Prussian blue eyes widened at the inflection of the tone of voice he'd just heard. There was no way that he could have mistaken the teasing lilt it had taken for just one instant. But the usually playful tone was cold and filled with hatred. "D-Duo?" he rasped softly. "But, you're?" His voice left him before he could finish the sentence. But you're dead. The soft sound of wings fluttering in the darkness made his hair stand on end. This is wrong?this is so wrong?Duo's been gone for almost a year and you still haven't been able to put it behind you; now you're hallucinating, or the dreams are getting worse again?
A dry laugh answered him. "Dead? Oh, yeah, I know that," the voice chuckled. "Let me tell you, it's been shit for my sex life, too. So how about you, Heero? Been fucking anyone, lately?"
Heero started to struggle as soon as a cold, cold hand clamped down on his throat. Icy fingers clenched, digging into his neck. It hurt?but not as much as the pain from before. No, the emotional agony was much worse, having to relive those moments as he'd held Duo, dying and choking on his own blood, Heero screaming at him for fucking up, when all he'd wanted to say was "I love you". He wanted to talk, to tell Duo that no, he hadn't. He couldn't bring himself to do much of anything after that.
"So, how 'bout it lover?" Duo's voice practically purred in his ear; so close that he could feel the cold breath play across his skin. "Have you been fucking anyone the way you fucked me?" The other absent hand cupped his crotch almost lovingly, tracing the outlines of spandex?
How the hell did those get on me? Heero wondered to himself. I haven't worn that since?since Duo?I burned them, because I couldn't get the feeling of his blood off them, off me? He closed his eyes, trying desperately to shake his head.
The chuckle swirled around him again, the pressure of the hand on his cock was increasing just enough to make him whimper again. He couldn't hold back that singular thought that it was Duo, his Duo and he was there, touching Heero the way he used to, playfully tickling at the growling bulge. His body arched into that touch, squirming in the bonds that held him to where he couldn't move. Even the pressure on his throat couldn't stop him from choking out his lover's name. "Duo?oh God, just do it?please?"
"Do what?" Duo's voice asked softly, the fingers around his throat lifting, allowing him to breathe again. "What do you want me to do, Heero?" Cold lips traced a familiar pattern down the bruised flesh in way of an apology.
"Fuck me, kill me, I don't care," Heero rasped, his head craning back, exposing his neck. "Anything you want, Duo?"
There was silence for a too-long moment. "Anything?" Duo's whisper sounded so lost, so hopeful, Heero had to force himself to bite back the sob rising in his chest. "Do you mean that, koibito?"
"Yes," Heero replied quietly. "Anything for you, Duo?I love you. I always wanted to tell you?I tried to that day?I honestly did?you said?you said you'd be okay; you promised me, remember? You told me that Death can't die and I believed you. Do you remember that?" He began sobbing weakly when Duo's arms slipped around his back, the American's long braid, evidently restored in death, snaking across his side.
"Do you remember when you went through your denial?" Duo's voice crooned softly to him. "When they locked you up for a while, back then, because you kept telling everyone that I wasn't dead?"
"You're Death," Heero reasoned, whimpering again as Duo's hands began their loving exploration once again. "Death can't die?"
"And you told them I was there with you?sitting right next to you, talking to you and making jokes," Duo whispered, cold lips meeting living flesh for one moment. "Remember when I told you that joke about the Rabbi and the Trids, right when the doctor was asking you if you'd had any unusual thoughts?"
Heero couldn't stop himself form giggling. "And I said, 'Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids'." He laughed even harder at the memory. The laughter abruptly stopped. "And then they locked me in that room?the one with those walls?"
"The one where that orderly came in to see you every night," Duo confirmed. "The one that gave you your night meds? The one that waited until you were too doped up to know which way was up, and then he'd take your pants off?" Spandex slithered off his hips and thighs until there was nothing there except air. Slowly, Duo's hand began to stroke along his lower abdomen. Oddly, it wasn't cold anymore. Heero whimpered again.
"And then he'd touch you everywhere, right?" Duo asked, running his hands along Heero's body that had miraculously become naked. He nipped at one hard nipple. "Like this, remember?"
Heero choked back a scream. "Yes?"
"And then he'd just flip you on over and have his merry little way with you, wouldn't he?" Duo purred, lips barely touching Heero's length. "He fucked you until you bled and then he'd leave you there, except for that one night. Remember that night, Heero? The night when he gave you these?" His fingers traced a gentle pattern up along Heero's arms, over now-healed burn scars.
Heero's voice was shaking. "I?I remember?he did it because I screamed?"
"What did you scream, Heero?"
"Christ, Duo, I screamed your name," Heero whispered in horrified realization. "I screamed your name, because he was taking me and I didn't want it from him?"
"But you let him do it," Duo's voice accused sharply. "You let that bastard fuck you; you gave him what was rightly mine."
"What you wanted, I didn't have to give you, Duo," Heero corrected softly, closing his eyes as he felt the tears welling up. He could hear the shocked hiss of Duo's gasp and could practically see his lover's violet eyes growing wide in disbelief. "That got taken away a long time ago."
"But?but you said?I thought?" Duo stammered.
"I said I would give you what I'd never given anyone else," Heero told him. "Duo, I meant my heart." He certainly wasn't expecting what happened next; a sharp pain flared across his jaw, accompanied by the sound of a very audible crack.
"Shut the fuck up!" Duo hissed angrily. "Just shut your Goddamn mouth, Heero! I don't want to hear any of your bullshit excuses. Now answer me, why did you let him fuck you?"
"I couldn't do anything?I?" Heero pleaded weakly, trying to make Duo touch him again.
"Heero, don't lie to me," Duo snapped. "You've shrugged off dosages of sedatives that would knock me out for hours; there's no way in hell that you could be that doped up!"
"I wasn't?at least I don't think I was," Heero admitted. "But I just wanted it to be over with. I thought maybe he'd get too rough, kill me, then I could be with you again. I couldn't kill myself; you made me promise, remember? That night, when we were at the cabin?"
It had been snowing that night and the cabin had been cold. Heero had managed to let Duo talk him into starting a fire and they had retired to the front room, stretched out on blankets before the fireplace. Heero had closed his eyes, letting the sensations of Duo's warm mouth tracing along his body, fingertips brushing over every sensitive spot his mouth wasn't. He was thoroughly enjoying himself, letting his resolve leave for a while.
Abruptly, Duo's lips drew away from his cockhead, leaving one very frustrated, very grumpy Heero. "That's not funny," Heero threatened, grasping handfuls of the long unbound chestnut hair within his reach when he heard Duo chuckle at the whimper of disappointment he'd let out.
Duo's eyes were shining in amusement at the positively adorable scowl on his lover's face. Not that he'd ever tell Heero that observation; play time would be over. If there was one thing Duo wished at that moment, it would be for Heero to be able to see himself as Duo did; beautiful, free, completely letting go of everything and surrendering to his lover's touch. "No, but now I've got you right where I want you," Duo teased lightly, planting small kisses along Heero's skin.
Heero sighed in exasperation. This old game was one of Duo's favorites. If he really wanted something, he would tease Heero to an unbearable level and abruptly quit any needed stimulus until Heero gave in to whatever he wanted. More often than not, Heero relented early, since he didn't want a repeat of what had happened when he'd stubbornly refused Duo's demand of going out dancing one night. He'd wound up tied and teased to the point of almost passing out before the American had made him break after several hours. "What do you want, Duo?"
"Now what makes you think I want something?" Duo purred, running his fingertips over Heero's chest, lightly plucking at his lover's nipples and carefully biting at the inside of his thigh. He started laughing again when Heero's answer came out as an incoherent growl. "Well, I suppose?" he said finally, sitting up and looking down at Heero.
The Japanese pilot half-glared up at Duo before realizing that his lover wasn't playing around any longer. Full lips were drawn into a tight line, bangs half-obscuring normally sparkling eyes. "Duo, what is it?" he asked, knowing full well that this was going to be more than a plea to go play video games at the mall in the next town over in the morning.
"I want you to promise me something," the Deathscythe pilot demanded, reaching down between Heero's legs from his vantage point, slowly working one finger into the tight opening he'd found. Watching Heero's eyes intently with his own, never once breaking contact with that cold Prussian blue stare.
"Duo, what's wrong with-?" Heero finally snapped, only to be caught off-guard as the long-haired boy pushed his legs up to rest against his shoulders. He automatically tensed as he felt the tip of Duo's head press against his ass. He started to struggle a little, but Duo had him in enough of an awkward position that he couldn't do much.
Instead of pushing into Heero like he wanted to, Duo slid forward, leaning himself across Heero's body, their arousals rubbing against each other. He knew Heero wasn't far off from an orgasm, particularly with all the time he'd spent teasing him to the brink all evening. "Promise me, Heero," Duo pleaded, kissing Heero's neck. "Promise me you'll never try to kill yourself again."
Heero's eyes flew open at the words. He was trying to figure out where the hell that had come from and slowly realized that it was something that had been eating away at Duo for some time. He was about to answer when Duo's words cut him off.
"I mean, every time you go, I know that you might die because some asshole might get lucky," Duo explained, slowly grinding his hips against his lover's. "But I'm always afraid that instead of fighting, you'll just decide it would be easier if you just gave up?if you decided to self-destruct again, and you wouldn't live through it." Duo's head raised and he looked right into Heero's eyes with an intense stare the moment he felt his partner's stomach tighten. Giving one forceful thrust of his hips, he rasped, "Promise me!"
Heero's mouth opened, but all that came out was a low moan. His eyes closed and his fingers clenched onto Duo's shoulders, bruising the pale flesh beneath them. Duo couldn't help but cry out as well, Heero's reaction sending him over the edge.
Afterward, Duo fought to hold back tears of anger at his loss of Heero's promise. It was the one promise he'd ever want from his lover, and now the chance was gone. He buried his face in Heero's chest, wrapping his arms tighter around the other boy's waist. Well, he thought sullenly. At least I have him for right now?
"Duo?" Heero's voice shattered the calm near-silence of the cabin's rooms.
"Mm?" Duo didn't trust his voice any further to actually speak words.
"Duo." Heero's voice was sharp enough to make Duo's head snap up unwillingly. Heero's eyes were gentle as his gaze met his lover's. "I promise."
"Nani?" Duo was too afraid to get his hopes up, but he couldn't hide the note in his voice.
"I promise, Duo," Heero whispered, kissing the violet-eyed boy softly. "I promise I'll never try to kill myself again."
"Honto?" Duo's eyes had gotten impossibly large, as did the grin spreading across his face. "Do you really mean it, koibito? Never again?"
"Never again," Heero's voice echoed in assurance. "I promise you, Duo."
"Yeah?yeah I remember," Duo sighed. "Too much, I think. I mean, that's all I got time to do these days. I thought about you a lot, you know. About what it would be like to hold you, be with you just one more time. So I broke the rules a bit and came looking for you, and what do I find? You're in a fucking nut-house, being raped almost every night by some guy that likes boys."
"I didn't want it to end up this way, you know," Heero said after a long moment. "I just wanted to be with you, too. But I couldn't break my promise to you; not when I know how much it meant to you, but I would break it in a second if you asked me to."
"You said I could have anything, Heero," Duo whispered in his ear, gently nipping at the lobe. "Did you mean it?"
"Yes." Heero's eyes closed and he bared himself to Duo. "Anything."
Duo carefully maneuvered himself to kneel between Heero's legs, kissing the prone boy softly at first, then harder as Heero responded. Their tongues met, dancing carefully around each other, then meeting in an intimate caress. Slowly, the exploration of each other's bodies began as though they had never done so before.
Soft touches, playful nips, tips of tongues and fingers, stroking and cupping, kissing and sucking; all of it felt like an ethereal experience. Finally, Heero's voice whispered into the darkness. "Duo?"
"Hmmmm?" Heero could feel him grinning around his cock, the vibration of his voice making it hard for him to keep his thoughts coherent enough to ask the one thing of Duo he'd wanted for so long.
"Duo?make me right again," Heero pleaded softly. "Fix me. Take the hurt away?please?Duo?I don't want this anymore, I just want to be with you, I don't want him coming after me anymore?"
"Shh." Duo had abandoned his earlier perch between Heero's legs to position himself above the short-haired boy. Leaning down, he kissed trembling lips ever-so-gently. "I'll make you better, Heero. I'll take all the pain away; I promise," he vowed, wiping at the sudden rush of tears under his fingertips. Shit, he's way worse off than I thought, Duo commented inwardly. Oh, you son-of-a-bitch, whoever you are, I will make sure you are going to pay for what you did to him?
"I won't let anyone hurt you anymore, lover," he promised, kissing away the remaining tears, then began a slow journey of kissing every inch of Heero's trembling body he could. Taking one nipple into his mouth, he suckled gently at first, then started nipping occasionally as one finger began its intrusion.
Heero wasn't sure where the hell the lube had come from, but he was grateful for it. After several nights of being thrust into dry and without preparation, he had been left with terrible wounds, sometimes. But this was different; it was Duo, and he was taking his time, being so tender and careful with him?something he hadn't quite imagined of his partner, since Duo more often than not preferred it hard and fast, without much preamble. Yes, Duo could take his time, but Heero had always figured that was just for the sole purpose of tormenting him.
Duo proceeded carefully; if he was going to grant what Heero truly wanted, there could be no room for error. Nothing to remind him of the countless rapes he had suffered. Nothing but letting his beautiful angel know that he was making love to him, not taking him in any other way. A second finger eased its way in beside the first and he felt the beginnings of serious clenching from the ring of muscle tightening in fear. "Shh?it's okay, Heero," he murmured softly, kissing him once again, cupping his chin with his free hand. "I won't ever hurt you?not ever?I love you so much?"
Heero's body arched unexpectedly as Duo's fingers found that spot inside of him, sending shockwaves of pleasure through his entire body. Oh God, yes?right there, Duo... The fingers retreated a bit, then carefully pushed back in, tickling that perfect place again. He couldn't stop his body from rocking against those probing fingers that began to stretch him and prepare him for the next intimate invasion. "I love you, Duo," he gasped, forcing his own eyes open to gaze into violet orbs that seemed to glow in the dark room. He could actually see Duo, now, hovering above him, lidded eyes looking at him with so much emotion that it hurt.
Duo removed his fingers and ignored the thrust of Heero's hips against his own, never once breaking eye contact as he positioned himself at the other boy's entrance. He raised an eyebrow as if to ask the question, but spoke it nonetheless. "Are you sure this is what you want, Heero?"
Heero pushed upward with his hips, rasping, "I love you, Duo?I trust you. Please, make me whole again." The initial push hurt, regardless of the preparation, but it didn't hurt as much as he had been expecting. The feeling of being filled so completely made him see stars for a moment, gasping uncontrollably until he felt Duo's hips meet his own. Shifting, he felt the press against that spot inside him once more and he moaned out loud, trying to thrust upward, his sex trapped between their stomachs.
"Careful, love," Duo whispered into his ear, starting an agonizingly slow rhythm. He didn't want to hurt Heero at all and was being as careful as he possibly could without driving himself insane from that beautifully tight grip. "I want you to know what it's like to be loved, for once. More than anyone or anything in this whole world and beyond. I want you to know how much I love you?how much I've wanted to be with you, to touch you, anything?" He hadn't even realized that he'd started crying until he felt Heero's tongue catch a tear before it fell from his cheek.
Heero gasped when Duo's mouth suddenly clamped over his own, starting a long, slow, sweet kiss. Closing his eyes, he surrendered everything to the beautiful apparition above him, opening his mouth, waiting for his lover's tongue to skirt inside to tease and caress his own. He didn't have to wait long; Duo's mouth and hips moved in perfect synch, every thrust just the same, slow, gentle and almost curious.
Keeping himself under control, Duo kept the slow rhythm, listening to Heero's ragged breathing beneath him, feeling those minute changes of muscle and skin. It was so beautiful, so perfect, so right that nothing else could have existed at that moment, even if he had wanted it to. Without either one realizing, the pace picked up, the sweet kisses becoming hungry and frantic, erratic thrusts and cries drowned the world out, bodies tensing, then the inevitable release.
Duo opened his eyes first, his lips pressed to the heated flesh of his lover's neck. "Little death", he chuckled to himself. There was nothing little about that! He managed to sit himself up and look down at Heero's face. It was so peaceful in the dim light he couldn't stop from smiling and leaning down for one more kiss.
He grew somewhat puzzled when he got no response, then felt his heart constrict when he realized that Heero wasn't breathing. "Oh Christ," he whimpered, trying to force air into his lover's lungs. "Please, Heero?don't do this to me, not now?"
"But I thought you wanted me with you," a voice accused calmly from behind him.
Duo's eyes grew wide as he whipped around. "Heero, what the hell are you doing?"
"Getting ready to go home, where I belong," Heero replied simply, moving forward to wrap his arms around the braided pilot's slim waist and pull him close. "I don't belong here anymore, Duo. I can't ever function outside in the world without war if you aren't there with me. This is the first time I have ever been really free. And I'm free to be with you, now."
"You're sure about this?" Duo seemed wary of Heero's decision.
"Duo, it's not like I can reverse any of this," Heero pointed out, leaning his head forward so that their foreheads rested together. "And I wouldn't want to." Before his lover could object, he pressed their lips together, making his choice as clear as he would ever be able to.
"Aa," Duo whispered, resting his head on Heero's shoulder. "Let's go home, koibito; you've more than earned it, ne?"
"I'm still not sure if I deserve you."
"Like hell you don't! If nothing else, having to listen to me babble for all eternity would be enough of a penance."
"So, I can't change my mind, huh?"
"Heero, did you just make a joke?"
"Hn."
"That was a joke, right?"
"I see. So he passed on in his sleep. That's good; at least it was peaceful." The young man sighed, rubbing at his eyes. "Thank you for notifying me; I shall be there shortly to make the arrangements, but I need to let a few others know of the situation?very well, I shall see you then."
Chang WuFei hung up the phone and removed his glasses, letting them drop carelessly to the desktop. Quatre was going to be upset, there was no doubt about that, but Trowa would make sure he was safe and taken care of. He felt a bit guilty when he considered for a brief moment of giving someone else the unpleasant task of passing the news onto Relena; he had no idea what to do with a hysterical woman and there was no way he could do this over the phone. Perhaps he could enlist Noin and Zechs to accompany him for the visit. Not bothering to keep his helpless feelings at bay, he picked up the phone one more time and dialed the Arabian's home estate.
"Hello?"
WuFei winced. Oh, Quatre, why did you have to be the one to answer it? he thought bitterly. He took a deep, shaking breath and said the words he'd dreaded. "Quatre, the hospital just called?Heero's gone." He felt the somewhat alien sensation of a sharp sting at the back of his eyelids as he spoke. "They said it was peaceful?in his sleep?he?"
Quatre stared at the receiver for a long time and felt his entire body go numb. No, that's not right! I would have known! I should have? He sat down hard, right there on the floor and tried forcing himself to breathe.
"Quatre-sama? Quatre-sama? Someone get Trowa," Rashid ordered, taking the phone from the Arabian boy. "What is this? What's going on?"
"Is he okay?" the rough voice asked, before answering any questions whatsoever.
"Who is this?" Rashid questioned suspiciously. The voice sounded somewhat familiar, but?
"This is WuFei," he replied tiredly. "Heero?he?died last night in the hospital. It is my duty to inform everyone, as I was the one listed to be next of kin, or for emergencies. I just got the call."
Rashid's face fell along with his heart. "I'm sorry," he said simply, not knowing what else he could do. Glancing down, he saw that Quatre had managed to curl himself up into a fetal position against the wall, his entire frame shaking, but he made no sound at all. "I'll let Trowa know; he's here visiting and I've already sent for him. Perhaps I can at least make one passing of information a bit easier for you."
"Thank you," WuFei told him, closing his eyes. "Please make sure that Quatre will be alright?I know Trowa will take care of him, but I?I'll call when I have information about the funeral," he finished quickly as his throat began to constrict once more. Barely mumbling a farewell, he hung up the phone and lay his head in his arms on the desk and breathed slowly and carefully until he got himself back under control.
After a long while, he sat back up and realized he couldn't make the calls alone. It was hard enough to deal with things as it was. He hadn't recognized the number he was dialing until he heard Sally's voice on the other end of the phone and he finally broke down, not even bothering to speak at first. Somehow, she had instinctively known it was him and had promised to be right over, then hung up, leaving him with nothing but the sound of the disconnected line and his own cries.
"It's hard to believe he's gone," Quatre murmured, watching as the casket was being lowered into the ground. Trowa hadn't left his side since he had learned the news four days previous. There had been several sleepless nights on the part of everyone that had attended the funeral; the remaining three pilots, Relena and Mirlando Peacecraft, Lucrezia Noin and Sally Po. It seemed to be a rather small gathering for one of the greatest war heroes in the past few years?one that helped end the war itself, code named for a man of peace.
They had all been there the day Duo had died, the pilots. He'd gotten caught, not watching his back like he should have been, more concerned with keeping Oz's soldiers away from Heero. He'd been grabbed by the braid as soon as he'd realized someone was behind him. When he'd tried to turn to fight, the soldier had cut his prize possession away from his head. He cried out in absolute pain and rushed forward in a blind rage. He'd forgotten about the other soldier's knife; and it slid right up and into his body not once, but several times, puncturing his lungs and several other internal organs.
When they'd found him, he was lying in a pool of his own blood, choking on it, trying to get up. Heero had rushed over and picked his lover up as gently as he could, but it didn't stop the harsh words from spilling out. He told Duo that he was a fuck up and it was his own fault for not keeping an eye out for himself. There were several reprimands on the Japanese pilot's end, including one agonized scream that Duo had better not screw up any further by dying.
The American had given him a weak smile, but managed to choke out that he was Death; and Death didn't die. He'd be just fine, Heero'd see, and he'd make up for his mistake. His fingers had reached blindly for his severed braid, which WuFei had carefully stepped forward and handed to him somberly. Clutching his pride and joy in his hand, he gazed up lovingly at Heero and whispered something only his lover could hear, then closed his eyes.
Needless to say, Duo was carried out and the base was utterly destroyed as a result.
"For everything that he endured, who would have thought that Heero would have died from a broken heart?" Relena added softly. She remembered the night he'd showed up at her door, hysterical and completely insane with grief after Duo's funeral. He hadn't shown up for it, but it was apparent he'd been to his partner's grave from all the mud and grass he was covered in. It was that night that she had finally realized that she had never had a chance; Heero Yuy belonged to Duo Maxwell heart, soul and body. It was as though he had died with Duo that day.
She had been there as much as she could, until even she couldn't control the violent outbursts or the hours of sobbing, but they were far better than the periods of terrifying silence. Consulting the others, it was concluded that there was no other choice but to make him seek psychiatric help. In the end, he had been institutionalized for his own health; he was becoming dangerous to himself and everyone around him. He had gone completely over the edge, giggling and carrying on conversations with his dead lover, speaking to nowhere in particular. When he was somewhat lucid, he would insist that Duo wasn't dead; you couldn't kill Death.
After three visits, Quatre stopped going entirely; he couldn't handle seeing Heero in such a state and Trowa stayed away as well. Relena continued for another few months, until it grew far too painful. The only one that had visited regularly, even up to the day before his death was WuFei, who would patiently listen to Heero's soliloquies out in the garden of the institution. Every now and then, the Japanese pilot would be coherent enough to have a few serious conversations over a game or three of chess and the Chinese youth had been grateful for those times. He had missed Meiran terribly, but helping Heero come to terms with the loss of Duo had been therapeutic to himself, as well. He had finally learned to let his wife go and get on with his life; he had only hoped he would be able to return the favor, only to find that he had been too late.
Saying their silent goodbyes, the small group of mourners let Heero rest beside his beloved Duo, who's epitaph had read, "There to abide with my Creator, God, and sleep as I in childhood sweetly slept; untroubling and untroubled where I lie; the grass below--above the vaulted sky." Heero's had read much more simple, the single phrase, "Whom the gods love die young." The willow tree they had planted had been Trowa's suggestion, and had been wholeheartedly embraced by the others. It stood straight and tall in the afternoon sunlight, it's branches seeming to wave to them as they walked away.
There'll be one more night and things will be made right
Again I'll hold you tight my dear
One more day and I'll collect my pay
And soon be far away from here
